Back in 2006, I stepped into my first paid position as youth pastor.

I was hired to lead both the children’s and youth ministries of a large, African-American congregation in Minneapolis, MN. It was an incredible opportunity, one that I still cherish tremendously.! Now, after more than a decade, I look back and humbly realize just how much I didn’t know about ministry, life, or leadership at that time. To say that I lived off grace in those early years would be a gigantic understatement.

One of the most glaring examples of how green I was is the way I viewed the parents of the students that I served. I simply didn’t understand how parents fit into the ministry picture.

I was young with too much energy and an oversized sense of calling. Despite having zero experience successfully raising any living creature, I thought that I knew a lot more than I actually did about ministry to youth. And, I thought that I knew more about teenagers than the other adults in their lives. Imagine that.

Back then, parents fit into one of three categories. First, there were The Expendables. Their presence had no real impact on my ministry. I mostly ignored them. Next, there were The Burdens. They seemed gifted at making my job harder than it had to be. I went out of my way to avoid them, keep them busy so that they would stay off my back. Last but not least were The Threats. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Somehow, I saw them as opponents of my ministry. They need to be ‘defeated’ – whatever that means. Just, awful right?

I thought that my team and I were the great Gospel hope in the lives of the kids, and I did very little to relate to their parents. I was so off base, and a decade later, I still see this as the biggest mistake of my early ministry years. When friends and I recap youth ministry horror stories, I don’t have stories to share about trips to the emergency room or the police station. My greatest bonehead moves as a young youth pastor all tie back to opportunities that were missed because I miscalculated how important parents were to the discipleship of their own kids.

After a few years of going all out in ministry and not seeing the results that I had anticipated, I began to question the entire model of ministry that I had adopted.

I realized that I was not a superhero that God had sent in to rescue students from their circumstances. More accurately, I began to see my role as one who would partner with families to disciple their own children.

Every program, every initiative, every decision from that time forward was filtered through several questions that helped me to determine if we were helping parents to disciple their kids or making it harder for parents to have real impact on their faith development. I was changed. Our ministry was changed. Finally and with time, I began to see life change in the students and in their parents.

In general, moms were early adopters of this shift in ministry philosophy. I realize now that when it comes to youth ministry, moms are, generally, engaged and can be very helpful. Peel away the layers of most healthy youth ministries, and you’ll most often find a ministry that has figured out how to leverage the interests, time, and talents of moms. By helping to provide food & transportation, opening up their homes, volunteering as small group leaders, and so much more, they are an invaluable resource. Unfortunately,  we aren’t always so sure what to do with dads. If dads are engaged in the life of the church at all, we’re often dumbfounded about how to get them involved in youth ministries or in the overall discipleship of their children. Figuring that out, regardless of your context, is a game changer. I’m happy to share a few things that I’ve learned about helping fathers to engage in the discipleship of their children and other youth of the church.

Craft a Bigger View of Discipleship

As we think about ways to help dads grow as disciplers, it’s very important up front to broaden our definition of what counts as discipleship. For many, discipleship equals Bible study, and that’s about it. We equate a person’s ability to disciple someone with their ability to stand before a group of kids and teach a lesson. While group teaching is an important part of discipleship, it is not the sole method of helping a student mature in Christ.

When I think about discipleship, I think about information, connection, and experiences. At our best, we work to help students grasp important truths about the God, the Bible, the world, and themselves. At our best, we work to help students develop trusting, life-giving relationships with their peers and caring adults. At our best, we work to help students discover their gifts and talents, so that they can serve in the world. As you create rhythms where those three things can happen, students experience spiritual growth that cannot be experienced simply by listening to talks each week. As we broaden our understanding of what discipleship looks like, we begin to see many more places where men, including fathers, can engage in the discipleship process. With a broadened view of discipleship, we remind fathers that discipleship begins at home and includes the very normal routines of the family’s week. Whether inviting kids along on a trip to the store or working together on projects around the house, we remind fathers that their lives are full of opportunities to simply be present and active with their own children. That, too, is discipleship!

Craft an Environment where Fun is Allowed

Alongside a bigger view of discipleship, we’ll see greater engagement of fathers as we reclaim the “ministry of fun.” Many dads would rather lose a finger than stand before a crowd of students. At the same time, most dads that I’ve encountered are really good at simply showing up and having fun. How does your ministry acknowledge and leverage that tendency in fathers?

Remind fathers that the fun times that they spend with their children and other youth in the church are formational and valuable.

I’ve seen fathers come to life at baseball games, while explaining the game to their kids and other kids. I’ve seen men light up while working alongside teens fixing up old cars. The activity, itself, is not as important as the change you’ll see as fathers come to understand that those fun things count, as well!

Create Easy On-Ramps

Give dads clear, straightforward opportunities to get involved. Men are unlikely to engage when the commitment appears indefinite, and when it’s unclear what is expected of them. You’ll see greater engagement of fathers if you begin by creating one-time opportunities for them to show up and be with their kids and others.

Secular culture has figured this out. Father-daughter dances are popping up all over the country and are extremely popular. These are incredible opportunities for churches and nonprofits to create space for dads to be the hero in the eyes of their Daughters. Another example of this is the annual Father-Child retreat that my denomination, the Evangelical Covenant Church, offers through our camps. For three days, dads and their kids are given opportunities to worship, enjoy nature through games & activities, and foster relationships with each other and other families. Perhaps the most transformational  aspect of the weekend is that fathers and their children are able to create shared memories that far outlast the weekend.

As pastor, my daughter will not likely remember any of the sermons that I preach or the stern lectures that I give her, but she’ll cling to the memories that we’ve created as we danced at her first father-daughter dance or attended father-child camp. 

Reclaim Fatherhood

Having been a long-time youth worker, I understand the pressure to find the perfect program or event that will immediately lead to a massive number of fathers becoming more engaged – both at home and in your ministry. The truth is, though, that there are no “ silver bullet” program ideas for what I’m suggesting. Beyond any specific program, what I’m suggesting is that we reclaim fatherhood as an essential part of God’s good design and plan for forming young people.

In 2014, I was honored to be one of several dozen Christian men who collaborated on a book called Father Factor. This multicultural collection of men, coming from nearly every stream of Christianity, wrestled with the ideas of fatherhood and faith. Using narrative essays, we delved into the ways in which our role as fathers has been impacted by our faith in Jesus, while also reflecting on how fatherhood impacts our own spiritual formation. Personal bias aside, it’s a tremendous resource. The impetus of my involvement with the book was an overwhelming sense that society had a distorted view of fatherhood that was hurting our families and our churches. The book was an opportunity for us to re-affirm fathers and fatherhood, reminding us of the significant role that fathers play in every facet of society, especially the church and the home.

As the book makes inroads into the public sphere, I’m convinced that it is an important contribution to similar efforts that are arising all over the nation. These efforts are aimed at challenging the notion that the contribution of fathers is a “nice to have” in the development of children. Instead, Father Factor and numerous other efforts like The Urban Dads, Dads United, Dads on Duty, and Strong Fathers are saying that fathers are essential to the lives of young people. There is a resurgence happening and its potential impact is exponential. Our churches and ministries have an incredible opportunity to join in this work.

I realize that youth pastors have no shortage of important things to think about, but few things seem to rise to the same level of impact as encouraging fathers and helping them to become better disciplers of their kids and the other youth in our churches. The work will not be easy or quick, but it’s worthwhile and will transform your ministry to students and their families!