We forget sometimes how much we have learned about young people. Actually, this is a blessing—the moment we think we can do youth ministry in our sleep is the moment we forget we work with people, not products. What we know about students never is meant to put us on a pedestal as experts, but to be shared with others so we all can keep learning. What follows is a portion of a five-part series I wrote in a weekly newspaper column I’ve been blessed to have as a window to my community. I owe many of these insights to people who mentored me, and I offer this to you to share with others in your life who see kids everyday but don’t necessarily know how to guide them toward Jesus.
I changed the opening line to this article 12 times.
The first attempt was, “Did you hear about the tragedy that happened to those kids?”
Of course, you may have wondered, “Which one?”
We all know it’s been a tough year for many families, students and schools in regard to fatal and debilitating accidents. There are no adequate words for those left behind from the loss of a young person or the realization that someone who used to run around may not walk again.
That’s why I tried to change the opening line. Honestly, I don’t mean to sort through stories that are fresh and still painful from some birdseye perspective, but I do need to point out these tragedies affect kids more than we often realize. Adults generally compartmentalize the continual string of bad news in the media, yet many adolescents don’t have this skill.
It’s one reason why I want to spend this month talking about understanding tweens and teens. Honestly, they deserve it…not just during a critical window of hurt and loss, but also in regard to the transitions they’ll face as they grow.
There’s so much happening in their world that we simply don’t get. For instance, take a look at the world of teenagers (ages 13 to 19):
• Number in the United States around 33 million.
• Spend an average 48 hours each week on a computer.
• Daily post their lives in word, picture and video online. One poll showed 20 percent of teens have posted nude/semi-nude photos of themselves by phone or computer.
• Four out of five own their own cell phone.
• Watch about three hours of TV a day, accounting for more of their time than any other entertainment. Sexual content appears in two out of three of their programs.
• Puberty means their body isn’t sleepy at 9 p.m. anymore, but 11 p.m. Early school schedules, extracurriculars and homework mean they lack the ideal 9.5 hours of quality sleep.
• One of 10 suffer abuse in romantic relationships.
• In cases where a girl aged 15 to 17 gets pregnant, more than 50 percent of the time an adult male is the father.
• Constant praise growing up has created overconfidence, leading to reckless choices.
In contrast, consider what is going on in the lives of tweens (8 to 12):
• Number about 21 million in the United States (projected to hit almost 23 million by 2020)
• 70 percent consider their mom and/or dad to be among their best friends.
• 82 percent and 69 percent regularly watch Nickelodeon and Disney respectively.
• 83 percent spend at least an hour a day online; 68 percent spend at least an hour per day watching TV; 92 percent enjoy recreationally playing outside.
• On average, spends $2,047 of their own money each year (total annual purchasing power of this age group is $43 billion).
• The percentage of alcohol use doubles between fourth and sixth grades (largest jump comes between fifth and sixh grades).
• Nearly half own their own cell phone, obtained by ages 10 to 11.
• 61 percent regularly deal with verbal abuse.
• 36 percent know someone who was pressured in a relationship to do something uncomfortable sexually.
My oldest son is one year away from being a tween. Right now, he takes part in the children’s ministry of our church, but next summer he’ll move up into a new bracket for kids in grade 5 to 6.
I’m absolutely freaked out.
Keep in mind, this age group is a large part of my background. I’ve worked with teens and tweens for years and have an advanced degree in adolescent development. I’m the guy who’s always striking up new friendships with kids.
Yet this is my kid…and as well as I know him, there are days that it feels as if I know nothing, as if I’m guessing at something for which I should have a playbook.
I am clear, though, about what God has charged me with: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord” (
What we’re talking about in all of this is parenting, “the intentional act of being a parent…on purpose…with intention…not on auto-pilot.” (If you aren’t a parent, substitute it with the word mentoring.)
Since I began this article talking about the tragic news we’ve continued reading about this year involving young people, let’s take some steps there together in understanding their world:
• Help your young person identify who they want to talk with. I can’t imagine my kids going through something tough that they won’t talk about with me, yet I know they’ll need an outside person to turn to at times. It may be a friend or another adult, such as a guidance counselor or youth worker; so partner with this person and let your child know you will be checking in with him or her as a trade to giving some space. Sometimes the best thing we can do is verbally fly fish with our kids, quickly throwing some conversational bait out there and pulling back until at some point they bite down and pull us closer.
• When real loss has happens, real life needs to take its place. Kids often turn toward something artificial when they’re in pain, be it an illegal substance, music, premarital sex, video games or the Internet. Find ways to help them take part in healthy, real-life experiences through your relationship with them. It may mean a hike together on the weekend or a regular night each week when you cook a meal together. The goal isn’t the activity but the connection you make doing it.
• Tactfully bring up spiritual matters. A lot of parents don’t talk about God with their kids because they had a hard experience with religion growing up. Rather than avoid the topic, talk about it and include that leg of your journey. You don’t have to have all the answers, as the goal is more to help your child articulate his or her questions so you can pursue them together (perhaps with the help of a trusted minister). For all you know, this may help you get back on track spiritually, as well.
• Bite your tongue. As much as you may know what your child is going through, it’s not always helpful to tell them that you do. Young people like to think their experience in life is unique, so often our attempt to identify with them ends up belittling their feelings. It’s better to say, “That must be tough. Tell me more,” versus, “I know exactly how you feel.” When you sense the time is right for you to share a story from your past, ask, “Does that sound similar to what you’re going through?” instead of claiming that it does.
Of course, none of this is meant to replace the need for professional or pastoral counseling, so don’t be afraid to ask if you need some extra perspective. In the meantime, know I’m praying for you and look forward to sharing some research next week that may deepen your relationship with the young people in your life.
Until then, see you next week, if not around town.
Fully-Alive Living offers weekly insights to serve you in taking another step forward in matters of the heart, soul, mind, body and relationships. With more than 20 years of experience and advanced education in working with people of all ages, Tony Myles and his family live in Medina, Ohio, where he serves as the lead pastor of Connection Church.
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