Ice cream and garbage, that was our lesson for the night.

Some of the students went to get ice cream cones while the rest of us picked up litter as part of our adopt-a-park service project. It sparked a great conversation on what “fairness” and “justice” mean.

What I didn’t anticipate was the public backlash on Facebook the next day from parents of teens who didn’t get ice cream. They seemed irate that their child didn’t get a treat, and I was baffled at the accusations. As I connected with disgruntled parents, it became very apparent that my failure wasn’t in dishing out treats to only some of the students. I had failed by not building a relationship with those parents in years as a youth pastor. They didn’t know me, so they weren’t sure if they could trust me.

Foolish is the youth pastor who only pastors youth. Working with parents is a non-negotiable, fundamental, essential part of doing good youth ministry.

There is no greater influence of faith than a parent. Good or bad, the faith perspective of parents will always carry more weight than any youth worker. You have no greater ally than a parent who also wants their child to grow in faith, and there are few obstacles more challenging in youth ministry than an apathetic or antagonistic parent.

Fortunately, gaining credibility with parents is relatively simple and brings great rewards. Here are three steps for connecting with parents.

Infiltrate

The most successful way to do any kind of ministry is to “go where they are.” For some youth workers this means going to lunch at the local high school or hanging out at the coffee shop. Many youth workers are great at knowing where to connect with teens, but don’t apply the same approach to connect with parents.

One of the best things you can do is just be with parents of your students.

When I first started as a youth pastor, fresh out of college, I was eager to connect with the adults of my church. I joined a prayer meeting that met Wednesday mornings at 6:30am. Connecting with adults was awesome, 6:30am was not. It only took a few months for me to realize I couldn’t pull 18 hour days every midweek, but even in that short time I was able to foster connections I never would have made, and it allowed church members to see me as a pastor and a fellow church-goer instead of just the guy who hangs out with their kids.

“Infiltrating parent places” is a great idea, but how to we actually do that?

Join a Small Group

This can be hard as a staff member, and it may take some time to find a group that’s a good fit. But once you do you’ll have an “in” to hear how the faith of adults in your church is developing, plus it is important to feed _your_ soul by participating in something and not always leading the spiritual discussions.

Go to Men’s/Women’s Ministry Events

If your church has events specifically for adults (a men’s breakfast, a women’s retreat, etc.) make it a priority to attend. Attending these events shapes your perspective, and it allows for plenty of informal opportunities to connect with the moms or dads of the kids you serve.

Change your Lobby Crowd

It can be easy to connect with your youth in the lobby after a church service. Most youth workers I know are naturally drawn to students in an intergenerational crowd. You should always be on the lookout for good student connections, but the lobby is a great time to kick that trend and find some parents. Even a 60-second conversation can go a long way in building relationship. This one’s simple: stand in the lobby after church and seek out every parent that is heading toward their car, shake their hand, and wave at them as they leave. That quick connection will fill your ministry pocket with tons of relational change.

 Head to a Game or Concert

I love watching students perform and compete. I think every youth worker should make a point of supporting their teens by attending a few extra-curricular events. My favorite is when the parents are in the bleachers too. It’s a great and natural time to connect. 

Invite Them Out

Sometimes the straight-forward approach is the best. If you have a parent in mind that you want to connect with, invite them out for lunch or coffee. Offer to meet them near their office during the workday, and explain that you are just working to get to know more parents (some might be afraid you “have a concern” or want to talk to them about an issue, go out of your way to assure them you have no agenda except hearing about their life.)

Communicate

Communication is the grease that keeps the gears turning in your ministry. Providing timely information not only demonstrates your competency, it also communicates your respect for parents. Informed parents are happy parents.

You’re aware of the crazy schedules most families keep, and I’m sure you’ve had something lost in translation when counting on students to inform parents. Finding out about a deadline or an upcoming event at the last minute brings stress for parents already working to balance all the competing needs of family. As often as possible, you want to be the one who alleviates stress, not the one who causes it.

Communication is often sacrificed when “life happens” or the ministry calendar gets busy. It’s hard work, and sometimes you just can’t get around to it. The times in my career when I’ve felt most partnered with parents were the times I was good at communication. The times I was most frustrated with parents, usually, were the times I wasn’t doing a good job communicating.

Here are some great tips for communicating with parents.

Offer One Location for Information

As much as possible, make sure there is one place to get all the important information about your ministry. This will look different based on your church’s communication practices. I maintain a separate website just for youth group stuff. It could be a blog, Facebook page, page on the church’s site, the bulletin, a mailer…Whatever it is, it must be easily available and regularly updated.

Email Often

Regularly emailing parents is an excellent practice. It is time consuming, but the reward is great. When parents trust that important information will be delivered to their inbox, they’re less likely to worry.

OVER-Communicate

I dare you to drive a parent to saying, “Please, stop telling me what’s happening in the youth ministry. I know, I know!” Surely you’ve had the situation where you made posters and sent letters and emails and posted it on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram and the church bulletin and announcements and on and on… just to have a parent say, “Oh, I didn’t know that was this weekend!” It’s frustrating, but it’s the price of doing business. Accept that you will have to communicate far more than seems reasonable, and then just beat that drum every week. Yes, it’s unfair. No, there’s nothing you can do about it other than extend grace and keep over-communicating.

Advocate

Youth workers are uniquely positioned to be an advocate both to youth and for youth. When talking with students you are in a place to bolster advice their parents have given, when talking with adults you’re able to share a teen’s perspective but they may be more receptive to it. You can advocate for both sides, and perhaps help bring a bit more perspective for everyone.

Here are some tips for advocating to parents and students 

Say Nice Things

Parents rarely get a call to say how great their kid is. When a student messes up the phone rings by the end of the day, but many of a teenager’s finer moments go unnoticed by their parents. You are in a unique position to highlight the things their teen is doing right. Imagine how simple it is to improve someone’s day just by telling them something specific their child did that you appreciated or admired. As a bonus, your students will trust you more if they know you share the good along with the bad in communicating with their parents. 

Take the Parents’ Side

When a student is talking about how their parents are “so unfair!” it can be easy to just go along. The temptation to be on the teen’s side is strong, as youth workers we are desperate for things that we feel unify us with our students. It can feel good to be the “fun one” and agree with how “it’s so dumb you got grounded.” I know I’m guilty of taking that route, but it’s the lazy way. Instead of piling it on the parents (who already have an uphill battle), try advocating for the parents by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Even if you don’t understand a parenting decision, you can ask questions like “why do you think they felt that way?” or “What do you think would have been an appropriate response?” to get the student thinking about their part in whatever is unfolding. Assume the parents had a justifiable reason for their actions, and help the teen consider a new perspective.

Be Up Front

At our parents meeting each year I tell parents “we know we’re only getting half the story.” Some parents are afraid what their kids will say, I get it. Our youth leaders earn a special place of trust, and it can be intimidating to know that their teenager might be sharing the not-so-great moments from home.

Our Children’s Pastor told me something he once heard during a preschool orientation. A teacher said, “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll believe half of what your kids say about what happens at home if you believe half of what they tell you about what’s happening here at school.” Telling parents you are their partners in wanting what’s best for the teen, and that you aren’t jumping to conclusions with just one perspective, is an important part of building trust for all three parties involved.

Infiltrate, Communicate, Advocate. Committing to these three principles helps build a solid foundation of trust and mutual respect with the parents in your ministry, and sets you up to do some really great work with both your parents and teens.