“Can I talk to you in private?” is a question that always gets my mind racing.

At first I wonder if everything is ok, or if I did something wrong, but my mind usually ends up in the same place. Whether a student is pulling me aside while the band is rehearsing, or a parent is asking to talk in-between services, I always assume the subject is sex, and more often than not my assumption is right.

Teenagers talk about sex. Their parents want you to talk to them about sex. If you aren’t careful the way you talk about sex can turn teenagers against you and maybe even the church.

Here are five things teenagers want you to remember when talking to them about sex:

Treat me and the subject seriously

Talking about sex, especially with teenagers, makes most people uncomfortable, but your comfort is the least of what is at stake in these conversations. Trying to lighten the mood or cracking a joke might come across as making light of a situation that is weighing heavy on you student’s heart.

The easiest way to show empathy to someone is to take seriously what they take seriously, so take their thoughts, ideas, actions, and questions seriously. Teenagers know when they are being treated like children. Reducing their emotions and decisions to childish crushes or impulses communicates that you don’t think that they are capable of dealing with the struggles and decisions they are facing.

This doesn’t mean the conversation has to be tense and uncomfortable. Keep your sense of humor, but don’t make light of them or the situation.

Even if you don’t condone my actions, don’t condemn me

God’s word is very clear about sex and sexual practices, but the standard of “not even a hint,” espoused by Paul, is a standard that is rarely reached. The teenagers that need to talk about sex don’t need to be reminded of their shortcomings. When John introduced his readers to Jesus, he said that he was “full of grace and truth.” There is no better example of this than Jesus’ interaction with the woman caught in adultery found in John 8. Jesus tells her: “I don’t condemn you,” your immorality will not define who you are, and “sin no more,” what you did was sinful, don’t repeat it.

Teenagers need to experience the same kind of grace and truth from their churches and youth pastor.

Save the particulars for science class

Most teenagers have been through health class, sex education, and several rounds of biology. They don’t need to discuss the particulars of sex with their youth workers or student pastors. They do need spiritual and relational guidance and emotional support from their youth workers or student pastors. They don’t want to give you all of the details and you shouldn’t want all of the details either. It is awkward enough for a teenager to come to a youth pastor to discuss sex, don’t make it more awkward by using terms that will make you both blush. Listen to what they have to say, and ask questions about the relational and emotional factors, but leave it at that. Focus on the spiritual issues, not the biological ones.

Don’t freak out

Reacting to surprising news is natural. It seems almost counter intuitive to not react when a teenager confesses something to you about sex, but if teenagers think that they are shocking you, you’ve lost them and they will look for someone who will be a little less shocked to talk to about sex. That someone else will usually be outside of the church, so don’t freak out. Despite what you are feeling or thinking, this conversation is about them, not you.

Teenagers need you to remain calm and steady so that they can share their struggles, concerns, and questions with you, with out wondering if you are appalled or scandalized by them.

You can communicate your concern, disappointment, and even sadness while maintaining your composure, but the second you lose your composure you lose them.

Let me know that there is always a place for me

Teenagers need to know that there is a welcoming place where they can feel a sense of belonging and acceptance. One of the biggest fears that students have is that the church will no longer be that place for them if they are open and honest with you about sex. Do everything you can to assure them that this is not the case. Let them know that they can always talk openly with you. Let them know that you want them to be a part of your church no matter what they have done or decided. Let them no that nobody inside or outside of your church is perfect. Let them know that the church is a place where second chances are given and forgiveness is practiced. Let them know that the church is a place for them.