It was a simple lunch at Olive Garden that only took an hour and a half, but it was a special beginning to a new season for my daughter and me. We enjoyed our favorite Italian dishes and talked about changes coming in her life. I did most of the talking that day, and I can’t say that I shared the information about puberty as effortlessly as I can in front of a whole group of girls. I certainly stumbled to find my words a few times, feeling a bit of pressure to get it just right because it was my own daughter.
That lunch date with my sweet sixth grader was a beautiful turning point for me in two ways. First and most important, it began an open and (I hope) lifelong conversation with her about human sexuality. Second, I realized that even as a youth pastor who has led all kinds of conversations with kids about sexual topics, it was still a bit scary and very personal when that conversation began with my own daughter. That gave me a great deal of compassion for parents who don’t feel equipped to have these talks with their kids and inspired me to try and encourage other moms to sit down and start these conversations with their daughters.
Below is a short list of ideas I’m sharing with parents in hope of helping them be fearless and gutsy in talking to their kids about sexual maturity. As a parent, my focus is my own conversations with my daughter, but this list can be adapted and used with fathers and sons, too. If you are a youth worker, parent or both, maybe there is someone in your life who you can cheer on as they begin the journey of guiding their child through adolescence.
1. Be the first voice in her life. Your daughter will hear about human sexuality and her own growth and development from lots of people. Her school will present scientific information; her youth leader most likely will tackle the topic; her favorite sitcom and musicians will have something to say about it; and certainly her friends will be discussing it. She needs you to be the first intentional voice she hears. Your role is not to be the only source of information, because that is not realistic; but your role is to provide insight for the information she will receive. That means as often as possible, she hears information from you before she hears it from someone else. It also means you are the primary person to offer open and honest insight into all the information she is getting. She needs a safe place to go with concerns and questions. Being intentional about taking that first step and initiating that first conversation communicates to her that sexual topics with you are normal and healthy.
2. Protect and guide the flow of information. There is no way to completely shut down the flow of sexual information that seems to take on a life of its own by the time our kids reach fifth or sixth grade, and it can be so intimidating that we may give up trying to manage the constant onslaught of messages she is getting. This is the most important time to be intentional. A few ideas to consider:
• only plan sleepovers with friends who you know and trust the media/relational boundaries of the family and offer positive alternatives when you feel uncomfortable with a sleepover invitation;
• computers and TVs always are used in a public place at home with a natural dialogue occurring about what she is learning or enjoying on the websites she is visiting;
• handheld media devices with Internet access need filters and boundaries. Sometimes parents take great precautions on home media devices, but don’t put any safety nets on mobile devices, which is probably even more important beceause our kids have access to their iPods and mobile phones regardless of whether we are present. iPods offer simple age appropriate filters that can be set and password protected. There are several inexpensive apps available that can help set Internet boundaries, usage times and monitor site visits.
3. Don’t throw stones at the media. Inevitably, your daughter is going to encounter media messages about human sexuality that frustrate the lessons you are trying to teach her. However, it’s really important that to approach a conversation about sexually explicit lyrics or a popular fashion trend that oozes sexuality without disdain or judgment. As our daughters mature, we will have less and less control over the information they take in when they are away from our protective boundaries, so we need to teach them to critique the information and opinions they encounter and weigh them against their own values and beliefs. If we are reactionary to shocking media, it can discourage girls from asking questions or sharing information in the future. If we are responsive to the relevant issues raised by a questionable media source, we model healthy critique and frank conversations for our daughters. Helping them make healthy choices will be more effective than abruptly making the choice for them.
4. Be visible and vocal in her friendships. In an effort to give our kids privacy when their friends are around, we often encourage secrecy without realizing it. We don’t want to be compared to the silly, unsophisticated parents often portrayed on TV, so we make the mistake of giving them too much space because we don’t know much about their favorite music or can’t keep up with their adolescent dialect and all the texting codes. That’s when our girls’ conversations can become insulated with only each other and culture to give advice and direction.
The truth is, our girls need us to know their friends, and they need us to delve into adolescent culture and do our homework so that we know the music/fashion trends and recognize their spoken and written lingo. They need to hear and see us interacting with people and media to which they feel connected—it’s another way to stay connected to them and be invited in to offer insight when it’s needed. So take opportunities to watch and discuss her favorite show with her. Invite her and an influential friend to teach you about a new iPod app or go on an outing where you can interact with them and hopefully leave a relational imprint for later.
5. There is strength in numbers, but there’s also strength in just the two of you. I am witnessing parent/child events everywhere: Father/Daughter Dinners, Mother/Daughter Teas, Dad/Sons retreats, Guys Rites of Passage Events, etc. As someone who has planned these events and is currently helping put one together for seventh grade daughters and their mothers at my school, I see the value in setting aside a special time to teach and bond with our daughters alongside other moms and daughters. It’s important for us not to rely solely on a group event to say all we need to say to our girls. My daughter and I have done two parent-child retreats together, but she only opened up and really talked to me at the second one. I’m convinced it’s because of the Olive Garden conversation. That honest, sometimes awkward conversation a few months earlier told her that whatever is going on with her body, in her mind or deep down in her heart, I’m willing to go the distance with her. If I don’t have the answers to her questions, I am willing to help her find it.
This is just a humble reflection of a youth worker figuring out what it means to parent my own daughter spiritually. I am certain of this: The beginning of the conversation can feel strange and unsure, but the bold questions she has asked me and the information she has shared with me since then have all been worth the discomfort of those first few sentences at Olive Garden. I encourage every mom of an early adolescent girl to start planning the lunch date!
