Watching Carly come to faith was a great joy in my early years of youth ministry. Watching her walk away was equally as painful.

Carly had been invited to our youth group by a friend. She made a commitment to Christ, attended our mission trip, joined our student ministry team, and was herself beginning to minister to others. Then she started dating a student who had also recently come to faith. Though slowly at first, they began pulling away. During a youth group “dating talk,” they left the church abruptly; and we rarely saw them again.

Their departure broke the hearts of their friends and leaders. We talked about the best way to respond. Do we call them out on their sin and lack of faith and “hand them over to Satan,” so to speak, as Paul phrased it in 1 Corinthians 5? Or do we ignore their behavior and try to continue loving them?

Fast-forward six years. We began to see Carly around. She was no longer dating the same guy. We got a heartfelt Christmas card and a phone call. She shared with us about her newfound faith, then accepted an invitation to join our small group and even traveled to Mexico on a family mission trip.

The question is: What made this “prodigal daughter” feel comfortable returning home?

Restoring Gently
There is a delicate line that must be walked any time a student you love shows signs of turning from her faith. Paul dealt with this in his letter to the Galatians. In the sixth chapter, he advised that “if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (v.1, NIV). What does that mean?

It means that scare tactics used to jolt the wandering student back to her senses are inappropriate. It means respecting the student’s struggle and being willing to walk alongside her through it.

The situation Paul addressed in Corinth was one where the church members not only weren’t upset about sin in their church, they were proud of it. And even in this situation, Paul’s advice to “hand the man over to Satan” was for the purpose of saving his spirit (1 Corinthians 5:5).

A friend of mine sat down with one of his friends and basically told the friend he was going to hell if he didn’t turn from his sin. My friend felt like he had “done his duty,” but it was actually selfish. In his mind, he could stand before God and be able to say, “I did all I could!”

Three Scenarios
If a student has shown signs of a genuine commitment to Christ, a subsequent rebuttal of that faith is usually a symptom that he or she is struggling with one of three things: doubt, sin, or a conflict with another member of the group. Do everything you can to respectfully ask if perhaps one (or more) of these three scenarios is in play and see if you can help. But understand that when a student has made a decision to walk away, your own desire for the student to avoid the ramifications of a life apart from Christ can’t lead you to bullying him or her into repentance.

If the student clearly has no intention of returning, remember that the story of the prodigal son was written especially for him. The father in Luke 15 was watching for his son’s return, but he didn’t try to find him and force him to return against his will.

Our role as representatives of God’s love is simply to shower the student with grace; refuse to burn any bridges; and make clear through our actions that if our presence in his life is ever again desired, we will be there. We must shift our attitudes from accountability to understanding and model the love of a God who waits patiently for His sons and daughters to come to their senses and return home.

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A native Texan, Syler Thomas is the student ministries pastor at Christ Church Lake Forest in the northern suburbs of Chicago.