YWJ: In Contemplative Youth Ministry you tell the story of your 4-year-old son starting something called Slow Club. One of the rules of the club was “No hurrying.” In your speaking and writing, you seem to advocate that youth workers also should become members of Slow Club. I have to be honest. Something such as a Slow Club not only feels counter intuitive, it also sounds like something that would get me fired. The slower I move, the less productive I’ll be, which equals me getting fired. So, can you say more about the guts of slow?
Mark: The Christian faith, in my understanding, is a religion of relationship. To practice Christianity is to be committed to the practice of relationship—with God, with self, with others, with difficult others. The highest form of relationship that we can experience in this life is love. So we struggle and work to cultivate love in our relationship with God, in our relationship with ourselves, and in our relationship with others. So if you want to define slow as a speed, my questions to you would be: In your experience, what is the speed of relationship? What is the speed of love? If God is love, we also might ask: What is the speed of God?
My son Joseph started Slow Club as a little boy because he was trying to hang on to his sense of wonder, curiosity and presence to the world around him. He wanted to stroll, not sprint, to school so he could look at bark chips, lines of ants, wilting flowers, and all the amazing, interesting, and beautiful aspects of the world. He was trying to resist the constant pressure from his mother and me—and society—to rush from activity to activity. In youth ministry, our work is about presence, not productivity. It is our presence—more than our words—that awakens young people to the possibility of God. That’s why I want youth workers to be in the Slow Club, so they can be present to the wonder of God in the present moment, so they can be present to their own grieving and creative hearts, so they can be available and present to the suffering and beauty of the kids they serve.
YWJ: Aren’t some of us made for fast, yet deep, relationships? Why is slow so important for hearing God?
Mark: I’ve never seen or experienced a “fast, yet deep relationship.” I move fast all the time. Every morning, I run around helping my kids get ready for school, but my relationship with my kids is grounded in lots of slow moments of presence: reading together, playing music together, lots of listening. What I notice is that when you are in love, you want to move at a much slower pace. Lovers stroll, they linger, they savor, they seek to engage in leisurely activities with one another. When we are in love, we want to bask in each other’s presence. It’s the same thing in loving relationship between a parent and child. Children want to be held, snuggled, talked to, wander, play, examine things and be together. Children want their parents’ full attention. They don’t want to be rushed from place to place, activity to activity. Don’t all parents feel they are doing violence to a young child when they yell at them, “Hurry up! Faster! Get going!”
When we move at a harried pace, we don’t feel as much, our senses are blurred, there’s no space to allow emotions to bloom—sadness, grief, gratitude, wonder. We become numb, less alive, more distracted, less human. We can see image after image, read story after story of violence, injustice, environmental destruction and not feel anything. At high speed, people become objects to navigate, manipulate, network, use or discard. To move quickly is to move at the speed of loneliness.
YWJ: I know we lose a sense of connection with God when we live at warp speed, but do we lose anything when we always live in the slow?
Mark: Yes, we do. The truth is that we become less productive. If I am always living at the speed of our caffeinated culture—multi-tasking, running from one activity to the next—I can get a lot done. The question is How effective is the activity? The truth is that Jesus would be fired from most church jobs. He would be fired from most youth ministry jobs because He doesn’t do enough. He doesn’t look productive enough. I easily could imagine Jesus called before a church board and told, “You are spending too much time in prayer, too much time in solitude, too much time with that one small group of 12. You need to get more small groups started. You need to systematize your activities. Write more material. Start a training program.” On and on…
Jesus is not efficient, and He is not operating at maximum productivity. Yet, Jesus is incredibly effective. Why? Because He is willing to be fully present to people, to suffering, to joy, to need, to God. He lives and serves at the speed of God.
When I talk about slow, I’m referring to more than speed. I’m talking about presence. The yearning for slow is a yearning for presence. Most of us in the West are missing our lives. Our lives are behind us, trying to catch up, and we’re out front running. Teenagers feel this. They constantly are told they need to move faster, work harder; they are told to be anxious, afraid, fearful of falling behind, fearful of becoming one of the losers. Ghandi once said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” Yet, we no longer question the pace of our lives, the fractured attention span, the damage this pace does to our families, our sense of self, meaning, our relationships, our spiritual lives. Why is the church dying? Well, maybe the biggest reason is no one has time for God.
YWJ: OK, but as I read the New Testament, I read that Jesus traveled from town to town healing the sick. The image I have is of a Savior who never tires. While I don’t think being over-productive is healthy, I also don’t think being unproductive is healthy either.
Mark: Yes, He teaches, He serves, He heals, and responds to questions and needs. He also gets tired, He sleeps in the boat, He wants to sit in people’s homes and be fed and cared for; He needs time away from the ministry, time away from the disciples. He often goes to the mountains or to the lakeside or someplace away from the harried crowds in order to rest, pray, remember, recollect Himself, allow grace to nurture His body and spirit. All of that is there in the text. What’s interesting is that we ignore those parts of Jesus’ life. We ignore all the ways in which He is living out the Sabbath; and that’s damaging, because we miss that Jesus’ activity flows from these quiet moments of rest, prayer and sabbath. Jesus’ activity flows from a deep sense of communion with God. It is these moments of downtime that give Jesus the patience and capacity to see, hear, feel and respond rather than react. Jesus lives from His soul; the old monastic way of understanding the soul was that it is in a state of “holy leisure.” His body moves, He travels from town to town; but His heart, His soul is attentive, awake, present, available and in wonder.
The questions we should be asking are: From where do our ministries flow? What is the energy that drives our ministry? I notice most ministries are driven by anxiety—driven by the anxious expectations from parents or pastors or false expectations that we project onto God.
YWJ: Do you really think it’s possible to live at a different pace in the church, in families, in ministry? I mean, aren’t you really painting an idealistic picture? Don’t we have to live within the realities of our present culture? The truth is we live in a fast-past, multi-tasking culture, so we have to minister where people are, not wish that life were more bucolic. I mean, you can tell youth workers to live more contemplatively and counter-culturally, but all that will do is get us fired.
Mark: You ask: Is it possible to live at a different pace? I’m not talking about speed. I’m talking about effectiveness. The real question is: Can anyone be present to the kids they encounter, to God’s Spirit, to their own yearning heart in a fast-paced culture? Have you ever met someone who was really present to you in a way that touched you or opened you? Someone who had space, patience and time to listen to you? It’s memorable. It is irresistible. In this day and age, I might go as far to say it’s a miracle. My guess is that person had lots of time for you and was patient, attentive, unharried, relaxed and open.
What does your marriage need in order to grow if not presence to one another? What do your children need to grow in love, if not your full attention? What do you need to grow in God if not time to wait, rest and dwell in the Spirit?
You say “this is counter-cultural.” You’re right. So is the gospel. The gospel isn’t a counter-cultural belief-system. It’s more than that; it’s a way of life that is rich with meaning, joy and relationship. It’s not a productive life, but a meaningful life. We don’t need more productivity in the church. Haven’t we produced enough? How many more hundreds of youth ministry books, curricula and training programs do we need before we can go and be present to teenagers?
All I’m advocating is that we follow Jesus’ methods as much as His message. I mean, look at all Jesus isn’t doing. Why didn’t He work harder? Why didn’t He produce more? Because He would have been less alive, less available to people, less attentive to suffering, more impatient, less generous. Jesus lives and moves at the speed of love. That is our struggle. That is our work if we want to embody the good news. Does that mean I move fast at times? Yes. I need to get my son to play practice; I need to rush between meetings with people; there’s a crisis, and I need to organize people quickly. It’s not about speed, but about love. We need regular moments of slow in order to ground us in God’s love. Once grounded, we can travel, serve and care for people at whatever speed is needed; but if we aren’t savoring God’s grace, savoring our lives, then our activities become brittle, anxious, cold, and lose the warmth of God.
YWJ: Let’s get into the practicality of all this. How do you arrange your life so you can practice the presence of Jesus?
Mark: There are a number of things you can do. First, walk more. Walk to work, school or to meetings if you’re able. Take late-night walks under the stars. Walk with your spouse or children. Be outside. Notice the created world. Get out of the man-made world for a moment. When you walk, don’t make phone calls or listen to music. Walk and say, “Jesus, walk with me.” Then reflect on your day, feel your life, notice your surroundings, pray the prayer your heart is praying.
Second, sit. Sit outside in back of your house and notice the changes in season. Sit in the empty sanctuary of your church during the week and rest. Sit outside the high school where you serve kids and watch the young people enter the school in the morning. Sit and ask, “God, what is Your prayer?” Then listen.
Third, read. Go off somewhere restful and read. Read books that feed your soul. Read poetry. Read the Bible. Read, and when you get sleepy, say to God, “Give me rest.” Then sleep. Nap. Rest. Remember the earliest definition of prayer is “to rest.”
Fourth, eat. When it’s time to eat, pray thanks to God, then eat with gratitude for what you’re given. Remember Jesus says, “Do this in remembrance of Me.” So, remember Jesus, remember the pleasure of being alive. Then eat and enjoy good food.
Fifth, listen. Listen to your kids, your spouse, your friends, the stranger at the next table. Try and listen with your whole heart. Slow down and feel the feelings that are beneath their words. Listen and be grateful for people, family, friends and the beauty of strangers.
Sixth, play. When you are with your own children or teenagers, play. Play with wild abandon. Whoop, holler, run, laugh, play, and feel the great pleasure of being alive.
I could go on and on. Basically, just be fully present to the simple gifts of being alive, recognizing God’s presence within these basic activities and allowing your heart to be full, alive and present. All of this will make you more present to your life and will slow your heart and soul to the presence of God.
YWJ: I notice you aren’t mentioning spiritual disciplines or practices. These are all basic life activities. What about contemplative exercises? What about silence?
Mark: Silence is beautiful. Every chance I get, I invite young people into silence. At home before a meal, before prayer, my family pauses in silence, looks at each person around the table, and then we pray. Silence is pure medicine. It is deeply healing. Recently, I spoke at a retreat for 200 Presbyterian high school kids. Each of those sessions involved little moments of silence, little moments when kids could tilt the ears of their hearts toward their own souls and listen for the whisper of God.
I love contemplative exercises—the awareness examen, lectio divina, centering prayer. I’ve led these exercises with kids for decades. Some people in youth ministry really stress the importance of spiritual disciplines, daily devotionals, etc. I agree they can be very important and useful…however, sometimes I think spiritual practices can be impediments to God; for those who don’t have a practice (or never will be able to maintain one) they are holy grails, golden calves, endless winding rabbit trails.
The great pleasure of a spiritual discipline (for those of us achiever types) is that when we do it, we feel great about ourselves. We have achieved something. We check it off the list. We have spent time with God, we have tended our souls, we have proven our spiritual fidelity—proven, mostly to ourselves—that we are serious about God. In having a spiritual discipline, we secretly hope to possess God. Then, when we neglect our spiritual practice we feel empty, ashamed, lazy, neglectful. We shame ourselves for our own lack of spiritual control.
In my experience, spiritual habits and practices are as helpful or harmful to the soul as doing email, fixing dinner or ferrying children to piano lessons. Actually, they tend to be more harmful than helpful. History is filled with people wounded in churches by religious people who had daily spiritual practices. They were productive at doing the work of the spiritual life, but they know little about the leisurely grace of God.
There are people who love routine and schedules. These are the people who write books on spiritual practices. Good for them. There are other people who love God in other ways—through serving, music, reading, teaching, running or using their gifts. These people don’t need a contemplative practice to reach God; they just need to receive God in the midst of daily moments when they feel fully alive, then call that activity (whatever it is) their spiritual practice.
YWJ: Wait a minute. I thought you were advocating a life that is slow, a daily habit of pausing and slowing down to be with God. Why wouldn’t you advocate a practice or discipline that does this?
Mark: If it is positive and life-giving, then by all means have a regular practice of slowing down and being with God. Remember the spiritual life is an art, not a science. There is no formula. I know some youth programs that pressure kids to have a morning devotion…and the guilt and pressure of that practice, especially for overly busy kids, is more bad than good. So if you can’t keep a regular discipline, then receive God in the midst of your daily life. Let God come to you. Find God’s slow and healing grace in the midst of your daily activities—when you eat, walk, sit, play, read. Remember love is the spiritual life. Love is not detached, serene and full of peace and calm. Love is messy. No one who seeks to live a life of love can keep from feeling scattered. It can be impossible to keep morning devotions when you have young kids who wake up throughout the night and demand attention early each morning. It can be incredibly difficult and guilt-inducing for teenagers who already are busy with school and sports to try to cram morning devotions into their schedules. It can be really difficult for youth workers who work part-time jobs to spend regular mornings in prayer in silence—particularly when they have young families and busy ministries. So, stop trying to force it. The spiritual life is pleasurable. It’s not a burden. So if you can’t keep a discipline, find the slow in the midst of your daily activities. Receive the small gifts of quiet and presence within your day—during a meal, a ride on the bus, coffee with a friend, playing guitar, watching kids in the backyard…notice God in these little moments and make that a time of nurture.
YWJ: What about youth? How important is presence and slow to youth?
Mark: It’s critical. Teenagers crave loving, healthy attention. They crave the presence of love. You know it’s interesting that a year or so ago I read in article by the writer Pico Iyer about an international advertising conference—more than 20,000 in attendance. The theme was “Marketing to the Children of Tomorrow.” The keynote speakers were renowned psychologists, novelists, artists, musicians—all bright and creative people who were asked to help these advertisers figure out how to sell stuff to kids. Do you know what they determined would be the deepest longing of children and youth in the future? Freedom from technology. That was the summary of the conference. Youth long for freedom from technology—they long for real experience. They long for nature, people, passion, real living. That’s our turf. That’s what the church knows how to do. That’s what the Christian faith offers—real living. Spiritual practices, spiritual disciplines, all this conversation about slow is ultimately about meeting a young person’s desire for full life. It turns out that’s what Jesus is offering, that’s the heart of Christianity—learning how to live life to the hilt. Learning to love, create, serve, grieve and celebrate.
Google now has a new conference it sponsors called Wisdom 2.0 in which it invites monks, Christian writers and spiritual teachers of every ilk to talk about meditation, prayer, silence and solitude. They know people are fractured and harried, and they know the wisdom for real life is not going to be found in the marketplace or on the Internet. The sad thing is the church is trying to follow the culture, and the leaders of the culture are looking for spiritual answers. We need to claim what we know. We know how to cultivate real life in ourselves and in others. We know God as the Source of life. The invitation is to slow down and meet the present yearning of people for presence. What is sad is that if we don’t meet that need, the marketplace will.
YWJ: So how does this look?
Mark: Well, I see this way of being in my wife. My wife is a part-time teacher/stay-at-home mother. Her days are fractured with caring for three kids, me and the many, many neighbors and family members who come by or call each day for her listening ear and wise advice. Her days are scattered; but to this day, I have not met a person who loves more than she does. I have not met a person who is more fully present than she is. My wife is deeply aware of and honors her own need for rest and love.
When does she receive this? In little sips of silence, little moments watching our kids, eating breakfast on the back deck or lying awake at night reviewing the day, looking out over the backyard, or taking a walk with me…In all these moments she relaxes, receives and rests in the good life she’s been given. In these little moments, her heartbeat slows to the pulse of God, and she is renewed, carried home and finds patience and care to love another day.
Mark Yaconelli is the author of Contemplative Youth Ministry, Downtime: Helping Teenagers Pray and Wonder, Fear, and Longing: A Book of Prayers. He is the founder and director of The Hearth, a community-building project that builds diverse relationships in local towns through story, song, service and silence. He also directs the Certificate for Engaged Compassion at Triptykos School of Compassion. He lives in Ashland, Ore., with his wife, Jill, and three children.
