“Parents who homeschool are of the devil.”
I’m sure most youth workers never would say this out loud, but having been to a few youth ministry conferences and talked with youth workers that hail from all parts of the United States, I have found that many of us do secretly (and some not so secretly) feel this way. Parents of homeschoolers often don’t let their kids attend youth events, therefore we feel judged. In some cases, parents of homeschoolers have criticized our youth ministries openly and even attacked us personally. In more severe cases, they’ve formed rival youth groups consisting only of homeschooled students. I’ve often wondered why this giant disconnect exists between homeschooling families and those relying on mainstream education. More importantly, is there anything I, as a youth worker, can or should do to unify the youth at my church?
When I transplanted to California two years ago to accept a youth pastor position, I entered a church that was so divided with respect to homeschooling that I was even warned by the church through my interview process this would be my biggest challenge. As I began the process of getting acquainted with the church and its members, I made attempts to visit all the families who had youth group aged children. I was welcomed warmly by all families, including those that homeschool. However, most of the homeschooling families politely informed me their children do not participate in youth events. Thus began my ongoing quest to find out why and to unify the youth of my church where there is neither “Jew nor Greek, male nor female, homeschool nor public schooled…” In the past two years, most of those students still don’t attend youth events. Nevertheless, some of those students whose parents said never would be involved have become some of the most active and faithful students in my youth group. Additionally, their parents have become my biggest supporters. Through this ongoing journey, I’ve learned some things worth sharing that might help youth workers everywhere become conversant with the homeschool community of their own church.
Disclaimer: Let me begin by saying I am not necessarily a proponent of homeschooling. In fact, as my wife and I look forward to our first child, we’ve decided we will not homeschool our children. Nevertheless, for many youth workers, this is a relevant issue that must be addressed for us to honor the calling God has placed on our lives.
Why do parents homeschool?
It’s a common myth that parents of homeschoolers are control freaks who simply want to shelter their children from the big, bad world. While it may be true in some cases, most of these families homeschool because they love their children and feel they will get a better education from someone who loves them. Additionally, parents who homeschool desire to protect their children from negative public school environments that distract from academics. Those of us who lived through high school might understand why a parent would want to protect their children from that type of environment. Regardless of how someone feels about the issue of homeschooling, it’s hard to deny these parents have a strong love for their children accompanied by great sacrifice for the sake of their academic and religious education. Additionally, most of the homeschooled students I’ve come in contact with aren’t sheltered at all; they participate in sports, debate, the Boys Scouts, the Girl Scouts and many other extracurricular activities.
Why don’t homeschool parents seem to like church youth ministries?
I’ve often been told by those who homeschool that they feel the home should be the primary means of spiritual education and discipleship. Honestly, I couldn’t agree more! Most youth pastors will admit that no matter how awesome youth groups are; no matter how great our messages, camps, retreats, etc…; no matter how cool, hip and with it we are personally; those students who grow up with parents who aren’t modeling the Christian life will have a huge disadvantage from those who do. Sadly, many of those students will walk away from the church after graduation. So, when I see parents who are active in their kids’ discipleship, I rejoice.
However, many of the students who come through the youth room door don’t come from Christian homes. In fact, many are not familiar with the cultural norms of church and therefore represent a culture which many families that homeschool are desperately trying to protect their children against. I don’t blame them. In fact, I sympathize with them. Before they allow their children to participate in any group or event, they want to make sure it will provide a safe place where their kids can belong and not be judged for being different. They also want to make sure their children will experience a positive Christian influence wherever they go.
However, as a youth pastor, I have an obligation to reach out to those students in our community who, apart from me and our group, won’t get to hear the gospel or see the love of Christ lived out by an adult. Through working with students from a variety of different backgrounds, I’ve found there can be a compromise. I may not be able to control whether a parent allows his or her child to be around the kinds of kids to whom God has called me to minister, but I can and should try to create an environment in which all kinds of students can belong. Regardless of a student’s educational background, in the youth groups I’ve been a part of in the past, they aren’t always the most accepting and unified groups. Youth groups aren’t immune to cliques and/or divisions; in fact they can be downright toxic. Even if we feel our groups are great, they might not appear that way from the outside. Even if we aren’t trying to get homeschoolers involved, we need to create an environment where people can feel safe.
So What can I do?
Evaluate. Take a good look at your group and ask yourself, “Is this a place wher I could belong if I were in high school?” Then take a look at your group from the perspective of a parent and ask yourself, “Would I want my son or daughter to be a part of a group like this?” When I first started at my current church, I inherited a broken group that I wouldn’t have wanted to be part of, and I wouldn’t have wanted my kids to be a part of either. So I set out to change it. I don’t like rules, so I set up boundaries to get control. It all begins with respect. So, I challenged the students to respect and love their leaders and one another. I promised that leaders would respect the students. I established consequences for putting someone down or excluding them.
One thing youth pastors seem to want to know is, “How can I grow my youth group?” Well first, an unhealthy group shouldn’t grow. Second, a healthy group (if God desires) will grow on its own. This generation is desperately looking for a place to belong. A healthy youth group can provide that. I quickly realized one of the primary problems was that our group members didn’t know anything about one another. So I took them camping. There is something about a campfire and s’mores that gets people talking about who they are. We shared stories and testimonies about ourselves. By the end of the night, each person had a new appreciation for everyone else. Prejudice and presuppositions were dispelled, and new friends were made. I was beginning to create a culture of inclusion. Some of these students took it upon themselves to create a welcoming atmosphere at our weekly meetings. If there was a new person, these students would be the first to introduce themselves and introduce them to others. They began to take ownership of the group. Healthy youth groups always have students who take ownership of their group.
Once you begin to change the dynamic of your group, you can begin the much more difficult process of winning the trust of parents (particularly those who homeschool). For me, I visited these families and got to know them on a personal level. I wasn’t always trying to recruit them for your group (though I always left the door open). More importantly, I let them get to know me on a personal level. Honestly, I could have the greatest, most dynamic youth group in the world, but if these parents don’t trust me, they’ll never let their youth get involved. I found that once I gained their trust, I also gained some of my biggest supporters, even among those who aren’t yet involved. I also have found ways to keep these parents involved in the youth group. Parents who homeschool make great volunteers who have the time to be committed. Most of these parents have raised good kids up until this point, and they are a great resource to help other youth, as well. It takes a lot of hard work, but if you’re willing to put in the time, you can effectively unify the youth of our church.
Does any of this matter anyway?
I’ve been asked, “James, if these students are already getting spiritual education and discipleship at home, why not just focus on the kids who don’t have godly families?” This is a very good question. First, we often think of youth group as a place where kids can get a weekly dose of Jesus, then we hope they go and live it. However, we sometimes forget that youth group is also a place for students to show Jesus to others, as well. Because students who are homeschooled get most of their religious education and discipleship at home, they don’t need youth group in the way some other students do. For them, youth group can be a great place to show other students what it looks like to be young and following the Lord. They also can have a great opportunity to share their faith with other students who may not know Jesus personally or aren’t walking the walk.
Second, when we serve in churches where many of the students, most active in their faith, aren’t a part of our group, we are missing a group that can and should have a positive influence on the lives of our students. We also are missing those spiritual gifts that are meant to build up the body of Christ, including our youth groups.
Lastly, when our churches are divided into homeschool and traditionally schooled students, we are allowing division to remain in our congregations; a division Jesus prayed against (
My journey is far from finished, and I’m convinced I’ll never be satisfied until every youth in the church is actively involved in our group, as well as living out his or he rfaith on a daily basis. Still, through my journey the past two years, I’ve been able to enjoy a little success; and that gives me hope for a bright future.
