For the past three hours, the pastor and I had been working with school administrators to prepare for this moment. A much-beloved middle-school teacher had died in the recovery room after what should have been a routine surgical procedure. An entire middle-school student body was being read a letter announcing the news. Parents and clergy were waiting in the school auditorium to greet students seeking help in coping with their grief.

On the way out of the school I looked at my senior pastor and said, “We have to provide a place for all these students to grieve.”

Through the years in my ministry I have seen a common denominator among students when tragedy strikes: Students have a need to find an appropriate place to grieve.

Our culture is one that does not welcome grief. We use euphemisms for death. We sanitize the death process and the funeral process in such a way that death is a very abstract and strange happening in the lives of our teenagers. In our own attempt to deal with our grief in these moments, we often offer teenagers platitudes such as, “God must have needed another angel,” or “At least they are in a better place.” These neither comfort nor help our students in truly grieving.

The evening after the middle-school teacher’s death, our church offered the students in our city a place to come and grieve with fellow students. We had little time to struggle through a myriad of decisions about how to help students to grieve in a way that affirmed them and where they were in their development. Our first concern in planning the service was to consider how we would create a safe physical environment for the students who would attend. What we communicated visually would go a long way in helping students feel comfortable in our space. We attempted to create a space that was welcoming and did not feel like a funeral service.

As students arrived, they were met with upbeat music playing and normal lighting. Instead of the somber environment many expected, we instead created a place that was warm, welcoming and seemed more like a local hangout than a place to process grief. We just sensed that students needed to be in a safe and comfortable environment to allow themselves to grieve.

After an initial discussion we decided against using candles and an image of the deceased on the screen. We hoped by not using candles or candle images that we would be able to move students away from the stereotypical “vigils” that often simply play on fragile emotions. While intending to be helpful, vigils often heighten a teenager’s sense of despair and inability to process grief. In choosing not to use images of the deceased, we hoped to avoid invoking unnecessary emotions that might inhibit students from grieving.

The time came for us to begin the service. After our pastor welcomed everyone and read a passage of Scripture, we moved into a time of sharing and reflection centered around three carefully chosen questions, which could be used or adapted for similar situations.

“Where were you when you heard the news, and what did you think and feel?”
Students need help in processing their grief. They need help in getting to the place of acknowledging the reality of the situation. When we first opened the floor for students to respond to the above question, it was obvious students were not ready to respond on their own. In a moment of desperation (my own discomfort with silence) I simply asked everyone to speak aloud where they were. After everyone spoke the words at the same time it seemed they felt a commonality and then began to share their individual stories of disbelief, shock and pain. As students shared their initial reactions, they were identifying their emotions and coming to see that what they were feeling was common to many in the room.

“What will you always remember about ___________?”
As the first question focused on the death of the person, question two was designed to help teenagers reflect on the whole of the person’s life. Tragedy often makes us only see the void death brings. Life seems to be pointless and to have little value. By having students reflect on their memories, we were able to help them restore the value of life. As students spoke aloud, they were able to process and find comfort and value in the time spent with the deceased person. I remember being struck by the amount of laughter in the room as students shared their memories.

“What did ____________ give you that you will have with you always?”
As teens process their grief, it is important for them to admit what has happened and reflect on their memories, hopefully while arriving at a place of giving thanks for the life of the deceased. To avoid sounding too “churchy,” we didn’t ask students to “give thanks,” but to reflect on how their lives were better for having had this teacher in school. During the next few minutes we heard students use words, such as “thankful” or “thank you” and “grateful.” They were giving thanks in their own way and in their own words.

As youth pastors, we often are called on to work outside our comfort zones. When there was silence, it was difficult not to speak, but simply to sit on the stage and wait for someone else to move to a microphone. After a compelling story, it was difficult simply to say, “Thank you,” and to not add my own thoughts and comments. It was difficult to see my students and their friends hurt and cry. Every ounce of me wanted to provide answers and comfort them. Yet, in this moment I had to sit still and allow them to grieve. They had to get through the waters of grief on their own. (Not alone, but on their own.) There were many hugs afterward, but at this moment I had to sit and let God do what He wanted to do. I learned that night that His comfort is more sufficient than mine would have been. My job was to sit still and allow Him to move in that place. (I confess, I don’t think many of us do this well or often enough!)

The sad reality is that many of us may be required to deal with students being thrust into grief after a tragedy. Take these few ideas and tuck them away for the day you must provide students a place to grieve. May you, your ministry and your church be known as a place where teenagers discover real comfort amid the tragedies in their lives!