As YouthWorker Journal enters its second quarter century of service to youth workers, we’ve been searching our archives for classic and timeless articles. Dave’s article from 1991 fits the bill. Plus, Dave adds an update at the end.

I used to be an expert on youth work. A quarter of a century ago, fresh out of college, I rushed headlong into youth ministry with Campus Life. The answers came easily then.

Then my oldest daughter began sixth grade.

Though much has been written about how the middle school years are a time of transition for children, no one warned me that it would be a transition time for parents, too. During the past five years, my wife, Gail, and I have learned a few lessons. What we learned, I think carries implications for my youth ministry.

I trimmed my schedule.
Kids moving from preadolescence to early adolescence take time. According to psychologist Eric Erikson’s classic stages of life, the tension of early adolescence is industry versus inferiority. In other words, they need to accomplish things-they want to be good at something. So they tend to sign up, join and try. During the last two or three years, my daughter Dana has played soccer, basketball, baseball and softball; she has been on the neighborhood swim team; she’s taken lessons in piano and gymnastics; she’s been in Girl Scouts, chorus and in the school talent show.

Dana is experimenting, trying to find out what she can do. This isn’t so much a search for identity (the middle-adolescent or high school emphasis) as it is a search for competence. With each day, Dana’s schedule (and consequently ours) becomes increasingly crowded. Besides driving her to various events, our time is consumed by discussions, preparing for each tryout or contest and watching her perform or compete.

Someone once said the time between birth and third grade seems like 30 years because of the labor-intensive, need-meeting demands of the child; but the time between third grade and college seems like three minutes-months and years blur as you run between events and activities. That truth has helped me value each day I have with my kids. It also underlines the importance of early adolescent years-training our children to be prepared for life. Before we know it, they are out of our homes and on their own.

I try to model values and teach skills.
We’ve heard much about the importance of being good examples for our children. Because so much is “caught” from our lives, it is imperative that we model godly values and priorities. Kids learn a lot about what we deem important in life by seeing how we act, respond and spend.

During the growing season, I spent three hours each Saturday working on the lawn, cutting grass, trimming bushes, pulling weeds-a reflection of how my wife and I value our home and a good-looking yard. In contrast, we spent very little time on our garden plot. It’s small and in a corner of the backyard; we planted a couple tomato vines and wished them luck. No one could accuse us of having a gardening fetish. How I spend my time and money reflects what is important to me. I model my values.

So I must monitor my investments-the areas where I spend my energy and time-and analyze my actions, making sure to be the right kind of role model.

Yet parenting is more than modeling. It also requires the outright teaching of skills.

Skills are taught, not caught. Remember when you taught your child to tie her shoes? If she merely watched you day after day, she would have learned that tying shoes was important to you; but in order to tie her own shoes, someone had to teach her. Though we make time to teach those kinds of skills, we expect our children will learn life skills on their own: the skills of making friends, making decisions, getting along with the opposite sex, saying no. The time to teach these skills is now-during the preadolescent years-when children are dealing with those specific issues and want to learn.

This includes spiritual life skills. I know Dana understands at least subconsciously that prayer is important to me because I’ve modeled that value. I pray before meals, at church, at special times, during family devotions, when I put her to bed; but have I ever taught her how to pray? What about how to worship, how to explain to another what she believes, how to help a friend and so forth? These are important skills of the faith that must be taught, not caught.

I set limits, nicely.
What scares me about myself is when under pressure I am a caricature of the typical parent. When my back is against the wall, I am as prone as the next parent to yell, “Shut up! Do it because I said so!” That’s one way to deal with squirmy, defiant, limit-pushing sixth graders, but it’s not very effective. I have found that as soon as I lose my temper, I lose the kid at home and in youth ministry.

Yet others react by dropping all limits. In an effort to develop relationships or be friends with preadolescents, some well-meaning adults let kids run all over them.

Sixth graders are still children: They need guidance; they need limits. With all their physical and emotional changes, they often cannot control themselves. They’ll push us to the limit, but they need to know where those limits are. It’s all right to say no to a sixth grader.

Kids at this age need to be told our expectations, our rules and the consequences of disobedience and obedience. For parents, this includes doing homework, watching television, using the phone, helping around the house and so on. For youth workers, it includes how students act in youth group or Sunday School, how they treat others, how they treat other people’s property, how they line up for refreshments, etc. Winning a battle isn’t winning the war. They’ll keep testing you, usually on the same issues.

I’ve learned to choose my battles.
This may be my most difficult area of parenting. I make too big a deal about every issue or minor infraction, from whether my oldest daughter Kara should go to the Friday night ballgame to why she spent $40 on a blouse. I even want to argue with her when she uses adolescent reasoning. Some issues are worth fighting for: family values, morality, faith. But why should I waste my energy on the small stuff? A few years ago, Erma Bombeck wrote in her syndicated column:

“I talked too much. I had good material, but I used it indiscriminately. I used the same two-hour speech on filling their glass too full of milk as I used when they stayed out all night without calling home. The speech lost its effectiveness.”

My indiscriminate scolding of my daughters does more than kill the effectiveness of timely and needed warnings. I have found that continual confrontation teaches my daughters to keep things to themselves. If I jump all over them every time they share their ideas, plans or feelings, they’ll stopped sharing. This is where my wife has been invaluable. We’ve gotten to the point now where all she has to do is give me that look and I shut up. Some things just aren’t worth fighting about. It’s amazing what I learn when I simply listen.

I am no longer an expert. I’m learning the lessons of parenting and youth work every day. Preadolescence is inevitably a trying time for kids and their parents because of its transition and growth. Yet within the frustration are huge opportunities for ministry. Trim your schedule and spend time, teach skills and model values; set limits nicely; and choose your battles carefully.

Updated Confession: 2010 Version
In my original YouthWorker Journal article, I talked about jumping into full-time youth ministry “a quarter century ago.” Now that timeframe has doubled. During those years, much has changed, but much has remained the same. Here are some observations I have made while reviewing my original article:

• The family dynamic has morphed, with many more single-parent households and with complex birth parents, step-parents, extended family relationships and issues. Still, a young person’s early adolescent years provide a great opportunity to minister to parents and legal guardians who wonder how to relate to their challenging preteens and teens.

• Children may be more aware of the world and have way more opportunities for entertainment and temptation, but caring adults still need to model values and teach life skills. In fact, this is needed more than ever in our multiple-choice world.

• Certainly society has become increasingly permissive during the last couple of decades; now almost anything goes, and many are given way too much freedom for their age. So we still must set limits. Kids need to learn that actions have consequences.

• Choosing our battles wisely continues to make sense. Some issues aren’t worth it, but in others we need to fight. Young people need to know we care.

• Although our sons, daughters, neighbors, friends and youth group students are being taught that tolerance is the highest virtue, they still need to hear the gospel-the news that sin separates, but God saves; and because of grace, through Christ we can know Him and live.

One final point: Parents often say to their teenagers, “Some day you’ll have kids. Then I’ll get my revenge because you’ll know how it feels.” My daughter Kara is a mother of three, the oldest of whom is almost 7; so she’s half way there. We already attained some measure of “revenge” because she was a junior high teacher in the public schools for several years-and a great one, too. She has thanked us many times for the tough but loving stands we took during her adolescence.

Dave received his B.A. from Wheaton College and his M.Div. from Trinity Evangelical School. He was the National Campus Life Director for part of his 26 years with Youth for Christ. He has authored more than 60 books and is a founding partner in The Livingstone Corporation (Livingstonecorp.com), a company that helps produce books, Bibles and other resources for several publishers. He also presents “Understanding Your Teenager” seminars across the country.