When my sons were 4 and 6, I was at church on a Sunday morning—I was at work as the youth pastor. The head usher came up to me after the service and said, “Did you see what your kids were doing during the service?” I responded that, “I had no idea what my kids were doing; they were in their class.” He said, “Your kids—the high school kids.” I said, “They are not my kids, you should talk to them or talk to their parents.”
Have you ever felt that part of your job description was to control students? Do you think controlling students is part of the job of youth ministry?
I will confess there was day when I would get a little nutty when students acted inappropriately or behaved badly. I once received a call at 2 a.m. When I answered, I was asked, “Do you know where my student is?” I thought, “You have got to be kidding. Am I the baby sitter? Why would a parent call me? Was this my job?”
I never liked hearing things such as, “Did you hear about so-and-so getting drunk last night?”—as if maybe if I had done a better job of youth pasturing, this student wouldn’t have gone out and gotten plastered—or hearing a student give a lame reason for not coming to an event or one of the important meetings I was doing: “I can’t come to student ministry this weekend; I have more important things.” Those kinds of things used to drive me crazy. If only I could have controlled them—Why can’t they live life as I wish they would? Better yet would’ve been to control them as Jesus wants them to live…
Have you ever felt that struggle? Control is the issue I’m talking about. Some parents would like youth pastors to control their students. Some senior pastors want their youth pastors to control students. I once worked for a senior pastor who told me to tell the students they could not wear shorts to Sunday night services. If I controlled the students, the church would look good.
I can’t say when I stopped trying to control students, but I know there was a day when I knew full well that controlling students was not part of my job. After all, my wife doesn’t control me; my mom hasn’t controlled me for more than 30 years; my boss doesn’t control me. I learned how to control myself through much pain, experience and living.
So, to what degree are you required to control as a mentor, disciple maker and/or leader in youth ministry?
When my youngest son was 11 or 12, he came to the dinner table where my wife and I were entertaining friends. He said, “Dad, I want you to know that I don’t believe in God.” Silence fell across the table. How would the youth pastor respond? “What is Dad going to say about this?” Had I totally lost control of my son? Should I control this? What was I going to do?
I treated my son as I would anyone on this subject. I said, “Son, you can believe whatever you want to believe about God. That is your prerogative. That is your problem. I was not happy about it, but I knew that my son needed to pursue, seek and hear from God as God worked on him. I told him, “Just because you say you don’t believe in God does not mean you are allowed to do whatever you want. You are still required to obey us and do right things.” My son’s jaw dropped. He had this look of “Now what can I make as an excuse to behave badly?” His cover was blown. I gave him the freedom to live life within the rules of the house. Obedience would not bring him extra love. Disobedience would not change my love for him. I was not going to control him on his quest for truth and life. I was going to let him know that as his parent, I had expectations for him.
As a youth pastor, this kind of stuff happens all the time. I am not doing youth ministry to create clones, perfect students, perfect followers or students who look and live their faith as I do. I am the youth pastor to help create an atmosphere to experience, seek, find, grow and become authentic followers of Christ. I provide opportunities to grapple with truth, to call out sin, to be honest, to help, serve, love and lead. I am not here to control anyone. I and the other leaders are building ministry, building relationships to mentor, disciple and provide opportunities.
My chief goal as a parent has been to prepare my sons to live without me, to fly on their own, to give them every reason to love God, to give them every reason to believe God is real, alive and has value. For me personally, He has value beyond just going to heaven. I desire my sons to have a relationship with the living Christ that’s available every day, every hour, every minute. My sons may reject this whole thing, and that would break my heart. My job as a parent is to help them get to the place where they themselves are in control and ultimately allow the Holy Spirit to control He desires to have in each follower of Christ.
As a youth pastor/worker I find my heart broken many times for all the stupid things, inappropriate behavior, bad attitudes, defiance and all that goes with it. There are plenty of students who find me to be a breath of fresh air as I let them make choices, right or wrong. Their behavior continually will point to how well they are doing or not doing in their relationship with Christ. Then I have opportunities for teachable moments for many students as I show them, teach them how to do this thing called following Christ without me someday.
My fellow youth pastors/workers:
• If you are still under the notion that controlling students is part of your job description rewrite it.
• If the senior pastor wants you to have a nice, tidy, neat youth ministry, have a conversation about your role in the lives of students.
• If you are expected to parent students, have a few meetings with all your parents with an explanation of how you are there to help them be great parents and that you are part of helping them and their children grow in their relationship with Christ, the church and one another.
• You are not in students’ lives to control them. Period.
• Start reworking your philosophy of ministry to allow students to learn to make choices; when they show their true colors, be prepared to let that be.
• If you have controllers working with you, you may have to let them go. (You know—the hoverer who waits to pounce on students when the act up.)
• Check your expectations and remember you are in their lives to help them in their relationship with Christ, not to live it for them.
• Remember you ultimate desire for your students is to live their lives with Christ without you.
Never forget you are doing ministry. You are not the parent. You are the youth pastor/worker. You are not the Holy Spirit. Show students; teach them how to fail, how to grow, how to love; how to walk with Christ so that as they go through life they are dependent on Christ instead of their parents or you.
