It’s true that when parents support the youth ministry, it makes for a much more powerful connection. However, now that I have teenagers, I realize I may have been wrong about a few things, particularly in judging kids’ and parents’ priorities as they relate to extra-curricular activities. I also realize there are ways to help parents with the difficulty of prioritizing their teens lives.
It’s May in a suburb of Denver, Colo., and I’m sitting in a circle of youth ministers from several denominations at one of our YS UnConferences. We are having a conversation about busy, overscheduled teens. The first person to speak reminds me of my younger self: “Teens today are overcommitted, and parents don’t make our youth activities the priority in their children’s lives.” Several other youth ministers jumped on that comment, bemoaning the lack of priority given to spiritual matters, namely youth group participation.
As I’m listening, I am reflecting on my own priorities as a parent of teens. I have two kids who are involved in all kinds of activities. I often didn’t make Wednesday night youth group a priority over their other activities. Was I a hypocrite?
Just then, a young man who was a relatively new youth worker spoke: “Our family was involved in competitive racing, which took us away many weekends when I was a teen. We were made to feel as if our faith in Christ was not a priority, and I remember being shunned by the youth group and leadership. I was a good kid, I loved Jesus, I tried to come to youth group whenever we could. Yet when I did, all I heard was how non-committed my family and I was to the faith. I never felt welcome in the group at our church.” Given the way he’d been treated, it was surprising that he’d gone on to full-time ministry without the inspiration of his youth pastor. He talked about being angry at the church during college, rebelling a short time, then coming to his senses about what he really knew about Jesus.
Sides were forming in the conversation: those who felt church attendance should be paramount versus those who were looking for a new paradigm. A female youth minister spoke: “When I was in high school, I was on the swim team. Swimming was a central part of my life then and continues today. I remember my youth pastor coming to my meets and bringing others from the group to support me. They would let me know during the season that they were praying for me—that I would be a witness to others on the swim team and that they were looking forward to the season ending when my group attendance could be more consistent. I felt supported—as if I were a missionary to those in my school—and that swimming (which I loved) was supported by my church. They even had a Bible study that met at a time those of us in other activities could attend. It wasn’t the big youth group experience, but they accommodated our schedules.”
The conversation began to shift, taking a new turn. Is someone’s attendance at youth group activities evidence of a Christ-centered life? There are many activities the church creates in order to accommodate the commitments of adults. Early morning men’s studies, providing child care for moms so they can participate in Bible study, and the increase in Saturday worship services were conceived to accommodate adults’ schedules. We recognized that adults’ schedules and commitments vary, so why shouldn’t we try to accommodate the varied schedules of teens?
As I thought about my home church, I remembered the words shared by our youth minister at our parent kickoff meeting. “There are three weekly activities your kids can participate in: life groups on Sunday, Wednesday night youth group, and small Bible study groups. We would love for your teens to participate in them all, but realize this isn’t always possible. We see their participation in other activities as an important aspect of their spiritual formation and mission. Beyond participating in weekly Sunday worship service, if your teens can only do one youth group activity each week, we’d prioritize small Bible study groups above all else, which meet at different times to best serve your teens’ schedules. If they are able, we’d also recommend life groups following the Sunday service. If your teen has time for a third activity, we have our weekly Wednesday night program.”
Boom. Permission granted from the youth pastor not to attend everything, along with a recommendation for how to choose a connection. The prioritized activities were based on the most transforming and participatory activities that also were accommodating to schedules. There was also a sense from the youth ministry team that they were proud of our teens who were involved in other commitments and helped them live authentically, thinking about what it means to live intentionally for Christ in the world, not just attend church functions.
During different seasons of their adolescence, I’ve seen my teens make various decisions regarding their attendance, but overall they choose to go and are not shamed when they don’t attend. They do not feel pressure to do everything, and I’ve seen them thrive spiritually in the past several years.
I’m not convinced teens are busier than they’ve ever been, but they do have more options for how they spend their time. Are we really helping them steward their time well with the quality of activities we offer? Are we helping them spiritually mature, or punishing them for not accommodating our schedules? As youth ministers who seek to be more theologically reflective in the practice of youth ministry, engaging the whole lives of students and their participation in church is needed if we want to see them mature into believers. I wish I had my 20s back so I could leverage the wisdom and thinking that comes with maturity. We might be more helpful to parents if we can show them that a life of faith isn’t about showing up every time the church doors open, but being the hands, feet and proclaimer of Jesus in all aspects of life.
