I vividly remember a day when sex-chatter made me squirm. A terribly insecure high school sophomore, I wanted nothing more than to fit in with the other guys on the football team.
One Monday, I found myself seated at a lunch table with some of the team’s upperclassmen, including the team captain, Steve, who was holding court and telling lots of stories. About halfway through lunch, an attractive and very popular girl from my class, who happened to be going out with Steve, walked past our table. Steve called to her.
“Hey, Mindy,” he said. “Come here.”
As Mindy submissively stood behind Steve, he looked at us all and proudly declared his sexual prowess.
“See Mindy? On Saturday night, I got all her clothes off and kissed every inch of her naked body from head to toe.”
The laughter and hoots of the other guys faded quickly for me as I focused in on two people’s reactions to what Steve had just said: Mindy’s and mine.
A humiliated Mindy turned bright red, forced an uncomfortable smile and walked away with tears in her eyes. I felt as if a curtain had been peeled back, and I had been let into a new world that left me feeling really dirty.
Vice or Virtue?
Whenever I think back to that day in 1971, I wonder why it was that I felt so terrible about what Steve had done and said.
Yes, I was a normal blue-blooded American teenager; but I had spent my 15 years growing up in a family and church context that had combined to establish some parameters regarding respect, personhood, sexuality and standards of right and wrong related to each. I instinctively knew there was nothing right about that lunchtime incident and what prompted it. Something told me this was not the way it was supposed to be.
Forty-one years later, I wonder if any of our kids—unchurched or churched, old or young—would feel the same way. Instead of being nurtured into a clear understanding of vice and virtue, the lines have blurred when it comes to sexuality to the point that what once was understood as vice is now celebrated as virtuous…or at the very least normal. Two recent stories got me thinking about this shift.
The first involved Kids N Teen, a newly opened retail store in Greeley, Colorado. The store caters to children, featuring things such as little backpacks and princess dresses. About 25 percent of the store’s items are for teenagers.
You might assume the shop is a haven for childhood innocence. Not so. A couple of weeks after the store opened, one mother spoke up and protested the fact the store was stocking and selling crotchless thong panties that were sized small enough for her 7-year-old daughter. The store eventually removed the panties, but one has to wonder about a culture that assumes it’s OK to sell something of that nature in the first place.
The second story involves 8-year-old Sophia Grace Brownlee, the bubbly and incredibly engaging little British girl whose YouTube video featuring her singing Nicki Minaj’s hit song “Super Bass” went viral.
After the video caught the eye of talk show host Ellen Degeneres, Brownlee and her 5-year-old cousin, Rosie, were invited on to “The Ellen Degeneres Show” to perform their version of their idol’s song. After their performance, Minaj herself came through the curtain, sending the girls into frenzied excitement and reducing their parents to tears of joy.
The three sang together, and Minaj then instructed the youngsters to “stay in school,” after which she promised to take them on a shopping trip where she would buy them “whatever you want.” The clip of little Sophia Grace on “The Ellen Degeneres Show” also went viral.
Yes, Nicki Minaj is a big star; but doesn’t anybody see anything wrong with two little girls listening to, learning and singing “Super Bass?” Minaj herself describes the catchy and upbeat song as the story of having a crush on a boy and wanting to get intimate with him, but playfully teasing him first.
The song’s video (which won for 2011 “Best Hip-Hop Video” at MTV VMA’s) tells the story with lusty visuals, lots of lap dancing and even a shot of the male character running his hand over Minaj’s breast. The guy she describes in the song as a “mother¬¬¬___ing trip” gives her a look. Then she sings, “when he give me that look, then the panties comin’ off.”
Crass New World
Yep. It’s a crass new world. Any of us who are left scratching our heads are in the distinct minority. We might even be seen as hopelessly out of touch with the times if we question all the buzz over a YouTube clip most people see as nothing but cute. What kind of old-fashioned people are we if we question the wisdom and excitement of the parents of 8-year-old Sophie Grace and 5-year-old Rosie?
As youth workers, we minister to kids growing up in a world where nothing is the way it’s supposed to be. When it comes to sex and sexuality, our kids are being nurtured into values, attitudes and behaviors that are not close to the way it’s supposed to be, leaving them to believe that anything little girls wear and anything little girls sing is normal and right. Then, those little girls and boys hit middle school and show up in our ministries. What do we do now?
When it comes to sex (and everything else in life), our job is to invite students into an understanding and experience of sexuality that is all about shalom. Shalom is the universal flourishing that existed in the garden before humans decided to do our own thing rather than God’s thing.
Shalom is the universal flourishing that God’s people one day will experience when Jesus restores all things to the way they’re supposed to be. Until then, we need to be about the business of equipping them to pursue shalom in every nook and cranny of their lives, including their sexuality.
Our role is to help them see through the false messages and assumptions sent by a pair of crotchless panties or a Nicki Minaj music video. Here are some suggestions about how to make that happen.
First, assume every kid in your ministry has been nurtured at some level by his and her culture. Contrary to what some parents believe, there’s not a single student entering your ministry who hasn’t encountered cultural messages that run counter to a biblical sexual ethic. From the sixth grader who’s been looking at online pornography since fourth grade to the naïve little girl who’s only seen one Calvin Klein billboard on her way to church in the family mini-van (if that girl still exists), our students is swimming in a youth culture telling them that when it comes to sexuality, they can do whatever, wherever, whenever, however with whomever.
Second, realize you need to know what’s in the water. Your role is observe and carefully watch their culture (as well as yours) with a critical and discerning eye. Dig deep to see what’s really being said. Watch closely to discover what’s really going on. Then, take every opportunity to respond from the perspective of a biblical world- and life-view.
This assumes you constantly are studying Scripture and reading good books about biblical sexuality. Where you see things in the culture that reflect the way sexuality is supposed to be, point that out with a celebratory spirit of affirmation. Where you see things in the culture that celebrate and affirm values, attitudes and behaviors that distort God’s wonderful design for sexuality, point that out by contrasting those realities with God’s Word.
To be honest, this takes lots of practice, as we’ve all been soaking in the same pool.
Third, force—yes, FORCE—your students to think critically about the cultural expressions of sexuality they encounter during the course of each day. Sit with them to deconstruct and evaluate advertising’s powerful imagery. Talk about song lyrics and visuals. Challenge them to think about the subtle and not-so-subtle messages fired at them from film, books, and television shows.
Most of us have never been taught how to think Christianly and critically about the constant barrage of cultural messages we encounter everywhere we turn. This is one of the most important and necessary skills you should develop, model and pass along to your students. With repetition, it will become second-nature to you and them.
Fourth, hit parents with this stuff from every angle. By and large, parents have dropped the ball when it comes to sex education. In doing so, they have established a default setting that sends kids right to the culture to learn about sex. That’s neither the way it’s supposed to be nor is it our responsibility to serve as the primary sex educators of their kids.
God has given dads and moms the primary responsibility to nurture their children in the faith, teaching those children how the faith speaks to and informs every nook and cranny of life. As youth workers, we must responsibly assume our secondary role as support to parents. Where parents aren’t doing their job, the entire church culture should challenge and equip parents to understand and assume their primary nurturing role.
Finally, trumpet the glory, greatness and giftedness of sex and sexuality. Those who criticize Christians for taking a negative view of sex and sexuality are often right. When all we do is speak out about negative sexual behaviors and what not to do, we leave the impression that we see sex in undesirable ways.
We need to reboot and begin again by celebrating the One who created sex and declared it good! Our discussions always should always start with God’s grand design, a celebration of the sexual desire He’s embedded in our lives, and a clear description of the parameters He’s established for expressing and experiencing sex in all of its wonder and joy.
How do your students react when sex becomes the topic in the school cafeteria? Do they have the ability to sense and celebrate discussions that mirror God’s will and way? Or are they so taken in by another way that they simply laugh or agree when what’s truly wrong is seen as normal and right?
Sex-talk should make them squirm; and when they hear it, they should be so tuned in to sex-at-it’s-best that they know when to squirm with joy and when to squirm with grief.
