My son, Aaron, asked me to write this. Actually his request was that I remember. That single word was the last word in the suicide note he wrote before he murdered my wife and daughter Dec. 6, 1996, in the rural community of Moses Lake, Washington.

Prior to that, my son’s world was darkened by the school shooting at Frontier Junior High in Moses Lake that claimed the lives of two students and a teacher. One of the students killed was Arnie—Aaron’s mentor and cousin, and my Godson.

By profession I am an engineer. My training and life experiences to that point in time always had an emphasis on numbers, logic and making everything fit into the “system.” The tragic school shooting followed by the horrific death of my family changed my immature view of the world. That change did not happen quickly or without pain.

Why?
During the winter of 1997 I walked through the rooms of my house that had once been filled with laughter, and later rang out with gunshots. God and I battled, and I struggled to answer the question of Why?

Within the walls of that house, my faith struggled and died. Through that death my faith was shattered, reshaped, tempered and resurrected by Christ as He carried me out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. My relationship with Christ, and the grace He offered me for my iniquities and failures, was all that kept me from following in my son’s footsteps.

The Failure of Relationships
Engineers are taught always to look at the root of any problem for probable solutions—or the problem may become chronic. Since 1996, there have been numerous school shootings impacting our society. I have watched and prayed for other families—as school shootings in Dunblane, Scotland; Jonesboro, Arkansas; Littleton, Colorado; Santee, California; Erfurt, Germany; Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania; Blacksburg, Virginia; DeKalb, Illinois, and elsewhere have taken the lives of other children and young people.

As I prayed, I deliberated and discovered the root I was looking for—the common thread: the failure of relationships.

This article is being written for church youth leaders—lay and professional—to help communicate ways to try and help prevent another tragedy from occurring again. Unfortunately, because the issues involved are relational, there is a great probability another school shooting will happen. Yet in the same vain—because it is relational—there is a great possibility your influence and guidance can keep it from happening to those in your environment.

The Most Difficult, Yet Critically Essential Position
In my opinion, the role of the youth worker is the most difficult but essential position in any church family. As our  society continues to grow and become more institutionalized, we are living in a time when individual relationships are being sacrificed. The machine of our society is churning around us with no regard to who we are or its impact on our families and children.

The school system environment no longer allows us to reach out and teach relational skills based on Christian values, ethics and morals. The unchecked flood of inappropriate messages transmitted through the media simply adds to the emotional and physical confusion our youth feel as they grow into maturity. Yet, through Christ there is hope. As our youth pass from ‘tweens to teenagers and on to young adults, we as parents hope and pray that within our church environment they will find a positive mentor, a guiding light to help them grow in their relationships.

What I understand as a parent is my role is not to be the mentor; my purpose is to be the parent. I do not want to imply you have to be a mentor. What I am saying is you need to get to know the young adults in your groups and be their shepherd. As their shepherd, you can help nurture and guide them toward a mentorship, while shielding them from the “wolves” yearning for their souls, by understanding who they are, by using the resources of the Christian community around you. The weight of that responsibility is great, but the reward is without measure.

In the years since my family’s death, I have pondered many areas, looking for where I possibly could do things differently, to better help you be a shepherd as I raise my second family, two girls now 9 and 7. Don’t get me wrong; I did many of these things with my first two children. However, hindsight is a great tool if you truly search your soul to make positive change.

We Need To Know Who You Are
From my perspective, before I give you my children to nurture and shape, I need to know who you are. We need to build a relationship that goes beyond Sunday morning greetings. I must believe in the individual who will be a leader for my children. By building that relationship with me, you will see and sense the family dynamics surrounding my children; so when something does happen within the family structure, you can respond accordingly.

For example, Aaron, in retrospect, had three safe places in the world—his home, his church and his relationship with Arnie. Arnie and Aaron were 18 months apart in age but had been raised nearly as brothers. As they grew together, they built a bond that would reach beyond the grave. When Arnie was murdered, Aaron changed. Nobody recognized the magnitude of the relationship until it was too late.

Not Always Normal
We cannot expect everything to always be “normal.” If you see a trend or shift in the dynamics of an individual or group, seek the professional assistance you need. The fact my son committed suicide indicates a mental imbalance from what we consider “normal.” In hindsight, in the time after Arnie’s death combined with other incidents in Aaron’s life, I can see the shift in his attitude that eventually led him to make his final choices in this life. I didn’t ask for help.

Build a Support Network
In my darkest moments of anguish and despair, the church—the organization, the institution—was not there. However, in those dark times there was always someone—a relationship, a Christ—who stepped forward to help me survive.

As our teenagers and young adults struggle to grow and mature in this troubled world, you are the Christ they will see. You may be the one who helps them survive.

Build a network to support yourself. The burnout rate for youth ministers is staggering. When Christ ministered on earth, He primarily taught his 12 disciples. However, His inner circle consisted of only three. Use His example; do not spread yourself too thin. If you need help, ask for help from those around you.

May the message you send be a message of grace and hope.