Teens are often taught about God’s design for sex in general terms, but they also need to be equipped for specific situations. In youth group lessons, one-on-one mentoring, or even comments in passing, you have a unique opportunity as a youth leader to speak into a young woman’s life and affirm her right and responsibility to make good choices. Knowledge is power, so spell it out for her! Here are a few counter-cultural messages you can communicate to the young women in your youth group to help set them on the right track for sex and relationships.
Remember that sex before marriage is sexist.
When it comes to the negative consequences of sexual activity, girls easily get the worst of it. This is true for long-term physical effects, such as infertility and pelvic pain, and pregnancy. And she is usually the one who takes care of the baby once it is born. It is also only the female who undergoes an abortion, which can cause many problems and always kills a baby in the uterus. Girls also seem to suffer more depression than boys do after sexual relationships are broken.
Don’t have sex with a guy just to make him happy. You own goals, plans, and health should be your No. 1 priority.
Get accurate information.
You cannot make informed decisions about your health and happiness unless you know the real risks. Besides our book, Girls Uncovered, your health care provider is another good source of information about the risks of sexual activity. But be sure to go to one who agrees with your decision to remain a virgin.
Put yourself in the driver’s seat and make decisions to ensure your health and happiness.
Research shows that females often agree (against their own desires) to have sex just to make their partners happy. Having sex before you are married exposes you to many risks—STIs, pregnancy, and psychological trauma. There is no good reason to ever take these risks!
Someone who is worth your time and attention will not leave you just because you want to wait to have sex. He will not ask you to make him happy, even if it makes you unhappy. He will not pressure you to take care of his sexual “needs,” which are not really needs at all, but just selfish desires. You need to make decisions that put your own health and life goals first.
Protect yourself.
Many girls have felt uncomfortable with how fast a guy is moving, but they are afraid (or embarrassed) to say so. If you are ever in this situation, tell him to stop right away. Your brain is giving you warning signals, and you need to listen to those signals and act on them quickly. No guy has the right to keep going once you have told him to stop. Ever. If you feel like a situation is heading in that direction, leave immediately. Or scream if you are unable to leave. And listen to what your brain is telling you—it is often right. But if you are raped—even “date rape”—report it immediately.
Don’t live with a partner unless you are married.
Many people will recommend that you live with someone before you decide to get married. They suggest that cohabitation will enable you to really get to know a potential mate’s personality (including all of his nasty habits) before making a commitment. But people who live together before they are married end up having higher rates of divorce and worse relationships. So don’t compromise on your future. Don’t live with a man until he puts the marriage band on your finger.
Take control of your life.
Finally, we want to encourage you to make decisions that are in your own best interests, especially when it comes to sex. Eventually, we all must become responsible for our bodies and our decisions. You (and no one else) will have to live in your body, and with all of your memories, for however many years you have. So be true to your best ideals and make your life count—for yourself and for others. We only get one crack at this thing called life.
D.D. Hallfors, M.W. Waller, D. Bauer, C.A. Ford, C.T. Halpern. Which Comes First in Adolescence—Sex and Drugs or Depression? American Journal of Preventive Medicine 2005; 29:163-170.
E.A. Impett, L.A. Peplau. Sexual Compliance: Gender, Motivational, and Relationship Perspectives. The Journal of Sex Research 2003; 40:87-100.
C.E. Kaestle. Sexual Insistence and Disliked Sexual Activities in Young Adulthood: Differences by Gender and Relationship Characteristics. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health 2009; 41:33-39.
G.K. Rhoades, S.M. Stanley, H.J. Markman. The Pre-Engagement Cohabitation Effect: A Replication and Extension of Previous Findings. Journal of Family Psychology 2009; 23:107-111.
Adapted with permission from Northfield Publishing, an imprint of Moody Publishers, from chapter ten of Girls Uncovered (Northfield Publishing, 2012) by Joe McIlhaney Jr., M.D., and Freda McKissic Bush, M.D. with Stan Guthrie. Dr. McIlhaney and Dr. Bush are board-certified obstetrician/gynecologists with daughters of their own.
