The longer I’m in youth ministry, the more I wish I’d had a better understanding of myself when I started.

At the beginning, I was a 22-year-old kid who had a relatively unhealthy understanding of who I was, trying to walk alongside students who weren’t that much younger than me. At the same time, I was trying to convince parents (who were significantly older) that I had everything all figured out.

I remember a moment when I was shooting baskets with some middle school boys. We were trying to make half-court shots. I failed about 30 times in a row, but then I finally made that one shot and for the rest of the day they called me Michael Jordan and continually talked about that amazing shot. I ate it up and even began to identify with it and owned my persona of being a great basketball player. At least in the minds of those middle school boys for those few days, I had significant value.

Looking back, I recognize how unhealthy that last paragraph sounds. However, I think that emotion is true for a lot of us.

Many of us start at places of need with little self-awareness, and we allow our environment to tell us who we are. We begin to hold on to unhealthy messages, such as, “People like me and want to be around me”; “When I talk, the things I say are valued, and students respond”; “I am fun and have many friends.” Those messages begin to frame our identities and become our definition of self.

When we find our identity in performing the role of the youth pastor, we’re starting from the wrong place. Doing is the unhealthy component of identity. It’s natural for one to gain part of his or her identity from professional performance. The more we do ministry, the more we’re identified as youth workers, and that helps shape the exterior self (whom others see) and the interior sense of identity (or self-perception). However, when I allow my performance to shape my entire identity and all of who I perceive myself to be, I’m creating an unhealthy ontology.

Why I Cry At Weddings

In the past five years, I’ve had the opportunity to perform the weddings for a number of guys whom I led in a small group while they were in high school. At almost every one of those weddings, I have found myself choked up and emotional, thinking about how the relationship I had with those students shaped me. I became the person I am in part because of those interactions. Those relationships have shaped me, made me who I am. I have good memories with those guys. I also have some heartbreak and some deep wounds from that season, too. Those shape me, as well. It’s not the shaping that’s unhealthy or wrong, but allowing those experiences to be the only things that shape me or create my identity is not healthy. When that happens, I’ve crossed the line.

However, in those moments when I’m performing a wedding for one of those guys, I’m always reminded of a few things that have been helpful in making me who am.

I Need to Forget

So many of us allow the messages, “This is how a youth pastor dresses,” and, “This is how a youth director spends his or her time,” to dominate our sense of self. We all tend to dress the same, speak the same language and read the same books. I bought into this. I used to have a Jeep, surfboard and wear flip-flops every day. I fell into the trappings of how I felt the perfect youth pastor should look. I was outgoing, fun, willing to jump off cliffs, stay up late, learn three guitar chords and stuff my mouth full of marshmallows if it meant students would like me more—and if it meant I’d fit the mold better.

That was false thinking. Our students don’t need to see us playing dress-up or acting like something we are not. They need to see the real us. I don’t mean the messy us as there always are going to be things in our lives that aren’t appropriate to share with students. We have to figure out how to be real, transparent and safe.

I Need to Know the Truth About Me

Students cannot give me this. It’s something I need peers and good friends to help me flesh out for myself. I’m not Superman. I’m gifted—and gifted beyond the world of youth ministry. I need adult friends, and I need to do grown-up things. I need mentors who will tell me the truth about who I am, my failings and my gifts. If I lean on my students to do those things, I’m putting too much pressure on them and not getting a full picture of myself.

Realizing this has been very helpful. I no longer need to take half-court shots. I also don’t feel the need to be a great snowboarder, joke teller or the draw in the room. I’ve learned through counseling, peer groups, interaction with friends, my spouse and my own children that I have value and worth outside of my profession.

I Need to Listen to God

God tells me that I am good before I do anything. I hold on to and cling to that truth because it is living water. Remember what I said above—about how so much of what I’ve done to establish my sense of self has been through doing? It is countercultural to rely on God to frame my identity; this approach removes the pursuit of performance identity. So much of everything else can fade away besides knowledge of self. The real self, who is independent of outside definition, is what remains.

Please hear this

Listening to God actually means listening. It means intentional silence, listening on purpose for His voice, living slowly, being quiet, allowing myself space to hear God. If I’m going to hear Him, I’ve got to stop long enough for life to quiet down so I can hear what He’s saying.

When we model a healthy ontological awareness, our students will feel a more tangible connection to who they are as children of God. As we show them that we as their leaders hold tightly to the belief that God has drawn us to Himself and holds us tight regardless of how we perform, we set them free to begin to lean into who they were created to be.

So, my encouragement is to do this: Find people who can speak truth into your life. Allow them to know the real you and walk this journey with you.