It’s a common question, one we are asked almost every time we gather with parents.
Our favorite answer is to share the story of Nora, a mom who has used our research to bridge the divide with her son. Sam, 17, walled himself off from Nora and the rest of the family 18 months ago. The only time Sam leaves his room to interact with the family is when he’s hungry, which luckily for Nora, is often; but when she tries to start a conversation while Sam’s standing in front of the refrigerator or the microwave, she’s greeted with one-syllable answers: “Fine,” “Nope,” “Uh-uh.”
Longing for a deeper relationship, Nora has tried to connect with Sam. Yet every time she offers to take him out for a meal or to do something fun, he refuses. He’d rather shut himself in his room and go online or play video games than be with her.
However, Sam loves going to movies. So, Nora has become a student of film. She tracks movie release dates, visits movie websites, and has learned the fine nuances of various directors and actors.
The only time Sam says yes to Nora’s invitations to do something with her is when she asks Sam to a movie. On the way to the movie, the two of them discuss what they know about the film they’re going to see and what they hope it will be like. Driving home, they evaluate the movie and share their favorite scenes. At times, Sam opens up about connections he sees between the film and his own experiences. The round-trip conversation is Nora’s best window into her son’s life and heart.
Because of this, Nora tries to pick theaters that are far away so they have more time in the car together.
She also tries to suggest movies that have a spiritual flavor. Hints of spiritual growth in the films’ characters occasionally prompt Sam to talk about his own spiritual journey—at least for a few sentences.
Nora doesn’t like movies all that much, but she likes her son. Nora’s commitment to entering her son’s world was common in our recent interviews with more than 50 parents who were nominated as being especially effective in building long-term faith in kids, or what we call Sticky Faith. Like the majority of the Sticky Faith parents we interviewed, Nora is willing to leave the well-worn path of her own comfort and preferences to journey with her teenager.
Finding #1: It’s more about your teenager’s spark than yours.
One of the most dominant themes in our interviews with parents was their commitment to step into their teenagers’ worlds instead of expecting their kids to stride into theirs. They take seriously Paul’s words in
Multiple studies conducted by the Search Institute and other academic partners indicate how motivating it is for young people to discover their sparks, meaning the activities and interests that help kids be their best. Two of the most common sparks for young people are sports and art, but there is a wide range of interests that compel adolescents to greatness. Sadly, only 55 percent of teenagers who know their spark receive adult support for the development and use of those passions and skills.
The parents we interviewed were trying to buck this trend by verbally encouraging their kids’ interests, being physically present, and co-participating when possible. Even if parents are ignored by their daughter at the school play, or are sought out by their son at the lacrosse tournament only when he wants cash for snacks, they are in the stands, cheering for their kids.
For Nora, that means becoming a movie aficionado.
For me (Kara), that means art projects. I’m about as craft-friendly as a boulder. I cringe when I enter art supply stories. I don’t own a glue gun. You get the picture.
However, my daughters love art projects. Whether it’s printing coloring pages online with my 9-year-old or making bracelets with my 12-year-old, research has convinced me that it’s important to set aside my own preferences and enter my children’s sparks.
Finding #2: Family time together needs to be protected.
A second theme in our interviews with 50 Sticky Faith families was that parents have to set firm walls around their time with their teenage children. In fact, as a research team, we joked about how basically every parent of teenagers we interviewed noted that time together was key to their family’s faith.
As our friends Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof wisely describe in Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, “It’s not quantity or quality time you need as a family—it’s the quantity of quality time…When you increase the quantity of quality time you spend together as a family, you leverage your ability to positively impact your children’s faith.”
As parents identify their children’s sparks, they can’t assume the time required to support that spark will happen spontaneously. The majority of the parents we interviewed made intentional decisions—sometimes costing them professionally or financially—to set aside time to dive into their kids’ passions, interests and abilities.
Finding #3: Spark favoritism may erode faith.
Parents in your church with multiple children often wonder: Why do kids in the same family sometimes walk down diverging faith paths? If we parent our teenagers similarly, why would they make different choices?
There are many factors that can contribute to differences among siblings, ranging from unique personalities and particular stressful experiences to birth order and openness to the Spirit. Yet one body of research suggests that while we think we treat our children fairly and similarly, our children don’t feel that way.
Much of the time, that perceived favoritism emerges from parents’ responses to specific sparks. I (Brad) like to draw alongside my 6-year-old son, usually while he creates elaborate stories about his artwork. I have to remind myself how important it is that I also respond to my 9-year-old’s pleas to help her put together an impromptu neighborhood gymnastics competition and that my 12-year-old lights up when I ask about the book she’s been devouring this week. In the case of my early adolescent daughter, she’s not going to push me to engage; but when I gently and consistently knock on the door of her sparks, I am more likely to get a response than when I simply do what’s easy and play with the child who overtly wants more attention.
The reality is that the parents in your ministry can’t balance their time perfectly with their kids, but it’s worth a good look from week to week at how much time they are investing in each of their kids and what happens during that time. If it’s all about homework help and logistics with one child and all playtime with another, parents risk being seen as playing favorites. The same is true if parents invest their best energies into the child who is most like them in sparks, leaving the others feeling as if their own sparks are less important.
While knowing what kids like to do might be relatively obvious, what’s often less obvious for parents is how to help them develop those sparks and how those sparks can lead to shared time together. As you work with parents in your ministry, here are a few tips you might share over coffee, by email or in a parent meeting:
1. Listen
Some kids make it pretty easy for parents to pick up on their interests. In fact, parent might be exhausted by the endless discussions of LEGO sets or basketball players. Or, they might be concerned about the hours spent in online gaming communities or watching YouTube videos. However, teenagers don’t always spend the most time on the things that really make them come alive. Sometimes they get stuck in ruts or simply do what’s easiest to keep doing. Encourage parents to listen and watch for the things that hit the sweet spot at the intersection between their talents, abilities, interests and passions. For example, a dad might want his daughter to be an all-star soccer player because she’s a good athlete and works hard on the field, but her heart might be in developing her singing voice.
2. Experiment
In the example above, the daughter’s interest in singing doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to—or should—quit soccer forever. What if her dad worked with her to look for a low-commitment way to experiment with something new? Parents need not stress out if that something new ends up changing from season to season. Despite what coaches may tell you, it’s possible to take a break from a sport, instrument or other pursuit and come back to it later. Helping teenagers learn the art of experimenting well will set them up to try (and sometimes fail) at new things as adults.
3. Evaluate
When any new experiment begins, it’s always good to set a period of time for trial and evaluation. Maybe it’s a month of dance lessons or a season of chess team. Rather than locking kids down into long-term commitments too soon, encourage parents to allow for a period of evaluation before moving on to something new. That includes evaluating whether a bad season, coach or team were simply anomalies and something is worth trying again.
The temptation to help parents avoid during this process is to compare their kids to each other or to other people’s kids. It can be so easy to slip into this mode of feeling as if my kids’ sparks aren’t as valuable (or as likely to lead to college scholarships, if we’re honest) as yours. This kind of comparison is a destructive trap—for us as parents and for our kids who don’t deserve to carry the heavy weight of our high expectations for particular kinds of success.
One Christmas, Daniel and his wife decided to get new bikes for their two kids. Now at least once a month, all four of them go on bike rides, often all-day trips.
Riding bikes has deepened his relationships with his teenagers. As they pedal along streets and sidewalks, Daniel asks his kids questions they don’t have time to discuss in the short bursts of time they have together at home or in the car. Also, when they’re riding silently, Daniel knows this shared time is a sacred gift.
As you share these ideas about sparks with parents you know, invite them to consider these questions:
1. What are you already doing to spend time with your teenager in ways that are meaningful to them?
2. Given the research and suggestions that have been presented, what one or two possible changes might you want to make in your family?
3. What can you do in the next few weeks or month to move toward these changes?
Kara Powell, Ph.D., is the executive director of the Fuller Youth Institute (FYI) and a faculty member at Fuller Theological Seminary. Named by Christianity Today as one of “50 Women to Watch,” Kara serves as an advisor to Youth Specialties and speaks regularly at parenting and leadership conferences. She is the author or coauthor of a number of books, including Sticky Faith and the new Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family.
Brad M. Griffin is the associate director of the Fuller Youth Institute, where he develops research-based training for youth workers and parents. A speaker, blogger and volunteer youth pastor, Brad is also the coauthor of Sticky Faith and Deep Justice Journeys.
Portions adapted from The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family by Kara Powell. Copyright © 2014 by Zondervan. Used by permission of Zondervan.
i. Portions of this article are adapted from Kara E. Powell, The Sticky Faith Guide for Your Family (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing, 2014). See StickyFaith.org/guide for more information and free resources.
ii. The Sticky Faith project includes more than seven years of research with more than 500 youth group graduates, more than 100 churches and more than 50 families. The goal of all these studies has been to understand what helps young people nurture lifelong faith. See StickyFaith.org for more details.
iii. This is also a theme in Chap Clark, Hurt 2.0: Inside the World of Today’s Teenagers (Baker Academic, 2011).
iv. The Search Institute, Insights and Evidence: Finding the Student Spark: Volume 5, no. 1, November 2010.
v. Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof, Parenting Beyond Your Capacity (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2010), 135.
vi. Vern L. Bengston, Norella M. Putney and Susan Harris, Families and Faith: Generations and the Transmission of Religion (New York: Oxford Univ. Press, 2013), 229-30.
