I’ve interviewed countless high school seniors through the years in the Admissions Office for the University of Pennsylvania. In California, there are plenty of excellent public schools, but the seniors I interview are sitting down with me at Starbucks because they want to go to the expensive private school at Penn. To some, I ask the obvious question, “Why Penn when you could go to Cal or UCLA for a lot less?”

Some have good answers; some have prepped for this question; some have poor answers; some are honest. The honest ones who are comfortable with me often mention their parents and the expectations parents have of them. They talk to me about their hopes for college, but few have the same conversation with their parents.

Countless parents of college-bound teens have talked to me as their pastor, and very few of them think they’re pressuring their teens in the college application process. I recognize there is often a disconnect between what a parent will tell the pastor and what the teen feels; I also recognize few parents have this conversation with their teens.

Parents don’t think they put stress on their teens. Teens disagree. There is an implied understanding, an unarticulated perception of expectation between the teen and parent.; but with so much at stake, you would think teens and parents would intentionally sit down and actually talk about what the other thinks, hopes for and expects. Too often you’d be wrong.

Teens and parents tend not to talk to each other about this crucial matter because they are afraid to talk.

John wrote about fear in the context of love with the background of the love that God has shown us in Christ Jesus: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).

Being perfect in love is loving with the mature love with which Christ loved — though we won’t perfectly love like that — if we can text 100 times a day, a teen can take the initiative and talk to his or her parents about college expectations. Teens don’t talk to parents for fear of not living up to expectations; parents don’t talk to teens for fear of putting more stress on over-scheduled teens.

Fear, not love, hinders communication; so teens and parents correspond only about the logistics of everyday life. Married couples in poor relationships know this dynamic well.

With the cost of higher education soaring and the stress to get into college soaring equally, growing up as a teen dictates talking face-to-face with parents. It’s hard, as teens know, that parental help is required to help pay for a college education; but the parent can’t initiate this talk as dad or mom believe the teen would perceive this as putting more pressure on the stressed teen.

Growing up Christian in the face of college admissions is having the love that casts out the fear of talking about this adult-to-adult. Although the teen wouldn’t feel like an adult, there is the need to talk as an adult to parents. Paul wrote of this type of conversation: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Talking like an adult means the teen initiates this conversation because talking about college expectations is not only good for teens, but good for the parents; and the love that motivates this talk is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5). Overcoming the fear of talking to parents means we mature in Christ.

Mature adults first graciously ask for permission to have this conversation. This conversation is to be at a time convenient for all parties. It is possible this conversation is more stressful for the parents than for the teen. Encourage your teenager to speak with sincerity and with a good attitude as Philippians 2:3 tells us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.

They already know how to text; learning how to talk is an art adults need to master. Students in interviews tell me college shapes them into who they will be as adults; but college is designed to educate, not mentor. Youth ministers can mentor, nurture and give practical pointers for how to talk about college expectations with parents. Growing up into Christ helps us overcome the fear of talking and enables crucial conversation. Crucial conversations are greater than the best of lectures at any college.