When you ask young people to describe how a Christian looks, they probably will describe a nice, caring individual who helps others and talks about Jesus—in short, their grandmas.
If you were to ask those same young people to describe someone who is sexual, you probably will not get grandma as an answer. Just as most of us would prefer not to think of our grandmothers as sexual beings, Christians typically are not associated with being sexual either.
Most of us in youth ministry seem to talk about sex with a don’t-touch-this-or-that mentality. In taking this approach, we often fail to offer young people an authentic purpose and plan to live life with a Christ-centered approach for sexuality.
We may prefer to keep Jesus in that same nice, neat category as grandma; but just because church people are afraid to talk about sex doesn’t mean Jesus has nothing to say about our sexuality. That’s welcome news, because young people today live in the most media-saturated, sexually explicit period in history. We need to teach them and show them how to live out their sexual identity through Christ.
Loving God with Our Bodies
A few years ago, after a youth group Bible study, a high school student from the group asked to speak privately with me. As we walked out to the parking lot, he blurted out, “How do I stop masturbating?”
This was not the typical kind of question I hear after Bible studies, and it was a question I hoped the church secretary did not overhear. My first instinct was to tell him to duck tape his hands together, but instead I decided to ask him a question.
“Why do you want to stop?” I nervously awaited his answer, hoping not to hear something that would require me to have a professional counseling degree to respond properly.
His reply was simple. “I know it is wrong,” he said.
My response was another brief question, “Why is it wrong?”
My student wanted to stop doing something because it felt wrong, though he could not articulate why. The crux of what I told him that night was found in the opening two verses of
Your body is called to be a holy and pleasing thing for God, I told him. Then I asked another question: “When you masturbate, are you doing so to please God or to please yourself?”
I did not tell him masturbation was wrong or attempt to burden him with guilt and self-loathing. I simply tried to shift how he views how he treats his own body and the bodies of others.
For our sexual identities, as well as every other aspect of our identities, as Christians our identities are tied into who Christ is. Everything Jesus did with His body, from overturning tables to hugging a child was done with the intention of glorifying God. Our identity in Christ is about glorifying the Creator of all in all we do, including our sexual thoughts, actions and interactions.
In the Bedroom with Jesus
How can youth workers help teenagers develop a sexual identity that is pleasing to God? I believe we can accomplish this by focusing on the concept that our bodies—and everything our bodies do—should be glorifying God.
A college-age student once asked me if it was OK that he was having sex with his girlfriend. Again, I responded by asking questions.
“As you are there about to take off your clothes, could you honestly say you were trying to please Jesus? In that moment, are your thoughts, ‘I pray that my next few minutes will be a time God is honored in my life and my body is pleasing to Him’?”
The young man was quiet for a moment. Then he simply said, “Ouch!”
We are dealing with young people who are part of a generation that has been marinated in a culture that uses sex to fulfill selfish ambitions. Many of them never have come to understand the Christian teaching that defines sex as an expression of selfless love for one’s lifelong partner.
This Christian sexual ideal is not in the minds of many of the young men and women we serve. Instead, they learned about sex from friends at school, the entertainment media or other false perceptions gained along the way.
Unfortunately, the church—including youth workers and parents—has failed to take the time to discuss sex and sexual identity with our kids. We need to stop this silence. We need to stop cowering in fear before the topic of sex. Instead of brushing this urgent topic under the pews, we need to be an intentional and proactive voice to a generation that is in desperate need of a healthy sexual identity.
I believe most of us take a defensive approach when we discuss sex. In other words, we are busy trying to get young people stop something instead of helping them start something.
From Masturbation to Mission Trips
As with other aspects of our identity in Christ, our sexual nature should not be something we shun or run from, but rather something we warmly embrace and share with others and the world. That doesn’t mean we should encourage our teens to mimic the behavior of the characters on MTV’s popular “Jersey Shore,” where selfish sex meets Jesus tattoos. There are better models we can use.
In thinking about how we can help our students understand how their bodies can be a pleasing sacrifice to God, I think we should follow the teaching model we use on our mission trips.
One reason so many youth groups take mission trips is because our youth are able to see the direct impact their lives can have on someone else. Instead of berating our kids for being selfish or lazy, we take the proactive step of exposing them to a positive ministry experience that can change their lives.
When we begin to frame our conversations around sex, let’s do so with a similar goal. Everything good you do, whether building a wheelchair ramp or teaching a lesson about Christ, comes from the body. Everything you do that is bad, whether gossiping or drinking, also comes from the body.
Your body is the living expression of your heart’s desires. Sex is a good and wonderful thing created by a good and loving God. Yet, just as the body is able, sex can accomplish good or bad things. It all stems from our hearts and our motives.
I didn’t make up this idea about the importance of our hearts. I got it from Matthew’s Gospel: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (vv. 5:27-28).
Every question our students ask us about sexuality-from masturbation to making out to appropriate attire to wild monkey sex—can all be addressed by challenging them to answer: “What is in your heart? Are you striving to fulfill your Creative Designer’s intent to glorify Him with your body, or are you seeking selfish pleasure for yourself or someone else?”
If we have truth and grace at our heart’s core, our bodies will reflect these virtues through our actions. Helping young people make the connection between their heart’s desires and their bodies (the instruments through which those desires are acted upon) is foundational to teaching a Christ-centered approach to sexual identity.
Tips for Teaching Teens About Sex
Teaching young people about developing a healthy sexual identity in Christ is not an easy task, but we need to avoid the common approach found in most of the Christian books, DVDs and curricula: that sex is always associated with sin.
“Have anything to do with sex outside of marriage and you are going to hell.” “Repent and wear this promise ring!”
Why is this guilt-based approach wrong? It may be seem to be a good idea to scare kids about sexually transmitted diseases, teenage pregnancy and “making Jesus cry”; but fear tactics do not work. Our role in youth ministry is not to stop kids from doing wrong, but to nurture them into living a Christ-filled identity for the glory of God’s goodness. Sex is a part of that goodness.
When I talk to my students about sex—either in a lesson or in the parking lot after our meeting—my intention is not to say something shocking, but to remind them what Christians are called to be. Our purpose is to live lives that point to the Giver of abundant life. We do this by using our bodies as agents for the One whose body was broken for us.
Outside our church walls, sex is everywhere. Teens’ sexual identities are tied up to many conflicting desires and ideas, and Christ’s love is rarely among them. If we are going to help young people live out a fulfilling life in Christ, we need to give our approach to teaching about sex a complete makeover.
Through the years, I have developed the following five strategies for helping young people have a healthy sexually identity in Christ.
1) Promote love, not fear.
God is not afraid of sex, so you and your group should not be afraid. Let’s be honest. The good old days of trying to scare kids into sexual purity by warning them they are going to get pregnant or suffer from an STD are gone. Fear does not inspire; love does.
Teaching youth to love sex and their bodies the way God does actually encourages them to appreciate their sexuality. When you are afraid of something, you lock it in the closet; when you love something, you care for it. When a young person begins to care about his or her body and how it is being used to serve Christ, eventually that person can learn to view their sexual lives in the same way.
2) Talk to your kids about sex—a lot.
Sex is on their brains and in their lives all the time. So why is it you only give a lesson on sexuality every once in awhile or in a six-week series you do every few years? Our kids are overexposed to problematic notions about sex, so we should expose them to godly ideas about sex often.
You don’t have to walk around wearing a T-shirt that says, “I Love Sex and Teens,” but try sitting down with your leadership and pastor to find ways the larger church can be apart of this focus. When you talk about sex, it’s important to recognize most of the issues apply to both genders. Modesty and masturbation speak to both sexes, so don’t be afraid to discuss them openly together.
When I lead a study on sex, I keep both sexes in the room for all the topics. It can be valuable to separate for some small group sessions, but we always return to discuss the issues in our larger gathering. Sure, it can be a little awkward at first; but soon they realize sex is one of the most relatable things we all have in common! Just make sure you have adult volunteers of both sexes in the room to help bring out different perspectives.
3) Talk to parents about sex.
One of the more disheartening things I have learned about sex through the years is that parents do not talk about it with their kids. Through the years, teens say their parents never discuss it; or when they do talk about it, young people hear, “Don’t you dare have sex because when you get married your honeymoon won’t be special,” or, “Be safe and use precaution, and know I am here to listen.”
Such extremes provide youth with poor guidance. Hold a parent seminar on sex or offer other ways of helping parents understand a healthy Christian sexual identity.
4) Make your group one in which students enage their bodies.
Most young people learn by doing, not hearing. If your ministry is primarily a bunch of lessons and talking, then you are missing the mark. Help them engage in serving and using their bodies for the glory of God.
For example, visit a local nursing home with the intention of simply holding someone’s hand and sharing a story. Afterward, discuss how powerful this small act of the body was able to show glory to God. This will give you a continued opportunity to highlight how wonderful the body is when it is being used for God.
5) Continually develop your own sexual identity.
As do the young people we serve, youth workers come from a slew of backgrounds. Some of us may be filled with sadness about the sexual abuse we suffered, while others may be wedding-day virgins. No matter your specific background, make a commitment to cultivate your own healthy sexual identity in Christ.
Sex is a powerful thing. It is the catalyst of creation, and it has the potential to bring abundant life or devastating harm. If we are helping young people answer the call for Christ-centered discipleship, we need to make sure we are living it out, too.
