It can drive even the sharpest of us crazy.
You’ve raised them, loved them, and known them for years; but that doesn’t mean the teens or tweens in your life want to talk with you. At least, it seems to appear that way.
They’re finally doing what you’ve asked them to do since they were little—be independent. Maybe you didn’t realize it at the time, but when you repeatedly said, “Tie your own shoes so you don’t need me,” it eventually would inspire them to try to make a life of their own.
In this new and confusing stage of parenting or mentoring, what can we do? Not all young people are as tight-lipped as others, but most are dealing with a world of issues they don’t know how to open up about.
I recently hung out with my good buddy Tim VanArsdale to brainstorm some tips on this very issue. Tim runs CUPS Café in Medina, a community connecting place that regularly interacts with around 30 young people a night. For three years, CUPS Café has kept its doors open without missing a rent payment—a rather impressive feat for a non-profit ministry that relies on donors.
Maybe a piece of it has to do with the high calling Tim is living out. He believes young people today are searching for someplace to go where someone will listen. I couldn’t agree more, even though at times they appear to want the opposite.
• Pull up enough chairs: When you enter a restaurant, one of the first questions you’re asked is, “How many is in your party?” Friends are important to young people, so make space to invite them over as often as possible. Make your house a comfortable place to be (without compromising standards), and you’ll begin to hear and have dialogue in passing that helps you form conversations of your own.
• Talk about the daily specials: Waiters often share with customers ideas for meals that the chef’s prepared but aren’t on the usual menu. You can do the same thing with young people conversationally by talking about what’s happening in the world and community beyond what they’ve been exposed to. Grab a newspaper and ask their opinions about the headlines.
• Offer an appetizer: Rather than waiting for a young person to bring up something he or she is going through, offer a bite-sized nugget of conversation and see if they want more of it. For example, if you suspect they’re entering into dating, you might begin a five-minute talk with, “I see some of your friends are starting to date, and it reminds me of how important having boundaries regarding who I’d date was at that age.” Share victories humbly and failures appropriately, but keep it all brief and end with, “If you ever want to hear more about this, let me know. I’m here for you.”
• Pour something refreshing: Never underestimate the power of a hokey board game to ease a defensive spirit and create space for conversation. Classics such as Scrabble and chess provide something fun to do that can refresh everyone out of the daily grind.
• Share your experience: One of my favorite things to ask servers is, “What do you usually order here?” When you appropriately expose kids to a few things you’re processing in life they might better learn how to process theirs. A warning, though: They’re not your counselors, so don’t put them into that role. This is your chance to take them alongside your process, not into your problems.
• Bring an entrée they want to eat: An entrée is a filling meal, but it will remain on the plate if it doesn’t look tasty to the person sitting in front of it. For example, what can you talk about with a young man wearing a Cav’s jersey? How about a young girl carrying a skateboard—any idea of something you can start a conversation about with her? To have a significant conversation with a young person, begin with something that is significant to them. Why do you think Jesus Christ used farming and fishing metaphors to talk about the kingdom of God? Simply put, that’s what His audience was into, and He had to use what they understood to teach them what they hadn’t yet comprehended about Him and His role as our Savior.
• Wheel the dessert cart around: When I was a waiter, I used to enjoy watching the expression of seemingly full customers who suddenly made some room for dessert when they saw the cart of goodies. Even young people who insist they don’t want to talk may open up if you offer them the choice of something fun to do together. A new shared experience is one of the best ways to stir up new conversation, which is why I’d suggest you stop by next Tuesday night after 6 p.m. at CUPS Café for free sundaes with more toppings than you thought possible. It’s not about the ice cream. It’s about the dessert of spending time together in a new way.
• Offer a doggie bag: Boxing up leftovers can give you tomorrow’s lunch, just like finding a way to meet a physical need in advance lets teens and tweens know you care for them. Make it a habit to ask, “What’s coming up in your life that I can help you feel more prepared for? Is there something you need money for? What nights of the calendar do you want me to be somewhere important to you?”
• Bring the check: You can’t skip this step, because it is the one we’re least inclined to follow up on. Young people need accountability in their life, and you may need to have a significant conversation that addresses where they’ve fallen short. As best as possible, avoid coming at them and instead come alongside them. It’s the difference between pushing them over versus catching them from falling.
• Offer a comment card: If you can handle constructive feedback on your relationship with a young person, ask them for some. Do this gradually, as most kids aren’t regularly thinking about what they want in your relationship with them. Even when they do share, they may be offering more best guesses than thought-out truths.
Teens and tweens may not ask for it out loud, but they need a close, warm connection with their parents and other trusted adults. The conversations you foster give them a place of security to process life and the awakening they’re experiencing as emerging adults.
When in doubt, start conversations where they are the experts. It is quite empowering for students to be asked, “I heard you talking about ________, and I know very little about it. Can you educate me?” Then before you have the next conversation, do a little research and bring up what you’ve learned, asking for more insight.
Granted, this all may seem awkward at first. The time you invest in the next conversation, though, will give you momentum for the one after that.
Until then, see you next week…if not around town.
Fully-Alive Living offers weekly insights to serve you in taking another step forward in matters of the heart, soul, mind, body and relationships. With more than 20 years of experience and advanced education in working with people of all ages, Tony Myles and his family live in Medina where he serves as the Lead Pastor of Connection Church.
Personal blog: DontCallMeVeronica.Blogspot.com
Leadership blog: TonyMyles.Blogspot.com
