I was with a group of youth pastors recently, and the topic came up of the value of youth group among the families of the church.

It was clear that one of my colleagues was frustrated with the value (or lack thereof) that parents were putting on youth group attendance. He phrased his question this way: “How do we raise the value of youth group so it doesn’t just become ‘If I’m free, I’ll make it?'”

I share his frustration. It appears as though the world we live in has become one where the value of church and youth group has diminished. With the rise of club sports and standardized test tutoring, the teenagers of today are busier than ever.

Yet for whatever reason, in that moment as he shared his frustration, I was struck with what seemed to me to be the key behind this. By the time the students have gotten to high school, there’s one way you can guarantee they’ll show up, and that is if the students themselves want to be there. If they are excited about being there, there will be no struggle, and they will do what they have to do show up.

While I agree that parents must be on board, at best we’ll have strong external motivators. The point of our youth ministries (and of spiritual growth in general) is to move to internal motivators. If the students want to be there, there will be no struggle. They’ll say, “Can’t wait—see you there!” If that’s the goal, how do we get there?

In most cases, it is and always has been about one thing: relationships. Now that I have two children of my own in my youth ministry, it is clearer to me than ever. I initially was nervous about the prospect of having my children in my youth group, which belied a subtle assumption about why students show up: that it has a lot to do with the youth pastor. My fear was that if they went into a regular teen mode at some point and decided they hated their dad, then they’d start to hate youth group, too. However, their interest in youth group is only barely about their youth pastor. It’s mostly about the relationships they have with their mentors and their friends.

Granted, a bad youth pastor will deter students from showing up, no question; but guaranteeing a student’s commitment to attending regularly has everything to do with the group. Are they excited about seeing the people there? They’ll come. Are they indifferent? They may or may not.

These relationships with friends at church ideally will start early and grow as the students grow. For both of my high schoolers, the friendships they made in our eighth grade confirmation class are the ones that are the most dear to them today and the ones that ensure they won’t miss a Sunday night meeting.

Am I saying the worship and teaching at our youth groups aren’t important? Absolutely not. All of that is essential to raising up passionate disciples of Christ, but it is made possible by the students’ desire to be there to see their friends. Friends get them there, the Holy Spirit (by means of teaching and worship) is able to work on their hearts, and discipleship takes place.

If this is true, then we must do everything in our power to create environments where friendships can grow. This is something that can’t be rushed; it takes time and a setting where walls can come down and openness is a priority. This is difficult (though not impossible) to do during standard youth events, which is why retreats, camps and mission trips are essential.

We can’t make the relationships happen, but we can create environments where God can draw people together for those lifelong friendships to be created…at which point, there is no struggle: The students will come.