For a decade my job description has been “counselor,” but in reality I am the keeper of people’s secrets and their stories.
When youth workers and other people talk to me, it is like confession, which we’ve all heard is good for the soul. All people need a place where they can share their hearts, a place where their souls can open. It has been said we are only as sick as our secrets.
Like other counselors, I have the privilege of knowing and sharing in the struggles of others. Most of the time, the stories people tell me stay in my office. As a counselor, confidentiality is foundational.
There are times when legal lines are crossed and people in leadership wind up getting caught, turned in or reported for a sexual crime:
Like the camp counselor who coerced the teen boys in his cabin to participate in a form of sexual hazing, provoking them to undress and engage in a naked wet towel fight, creating a traumatic environment of shame and abuse; or the young man who sexually assaulted his sleeping male roommate as the two traveled in Europe; or the youth pastor who crossed all moral and legal boundaries by sexually touching one of his female students. He now faces felony sexual assault charges and may receive jail time and mandatory registration as a sexual offender for life.
It is naive for the rest of us to believe we never will find ourselves in extreme situations like these simply because we are more cautious or make better choices. Sexual temptations surround those who work in ministry.
An Epidemic of Sexual Addiction
I work with men and women-youth workers from all types of ministries and churches-who need to recover from online sex addiction, which is the real sexual epidemic of our age.
The use of the Internet for sexual gratification and emotional medication is what takes most leaders out of service. Many have struggled for a long time to find freedom, promising to stop, praying like crazy, but still, they’re unsuccessful. They are left to lead with a tarnished voice.
Youth leaders face a variety of issues, and many of the significant ones are sexual. Too frequently I hear of situations where sexual sin and bad choices result in the discipline or firing of yet another leader.
A friend of mine, a church planter in Florida, recently e-mailed me, saying, “They are dropping like flies,” referring to the number of ministry leaders in his city who have been caught in sexual sin.
Another friend asked if the current data on sexually acting-out behavior could be considered an epidemic. According to the dictionary definition (an uncontrollably generalized condition, or affecting many over a large area) then the answer is a resounding, “Yes.”
A Proactive Approach
Several years ago I was invited to think through these issues by the leadership of an international student ministry organization that serves a million adolescents worldwide every year.
The organization’s leaders were noticing a disturbing trend among students attending its summer camps. Sexual incidents seemed to be growing edgier and students more brazen. It seemed there was a loss of innocence. Gone was modesty’s healthy blush.
Our discussions naturally turned to the youth leaders-staff and volunteers—who have been called to lead and serve young people and spend countless hours caring for, and ministering to, them.
These leaders deal with a host of issues: teen crushes; the allure of power and being in a position of trust; questions about vulnerability. Too frequently they find themselves in potentially questionable circumstances because, as they sometimes say, they had no other option!
How could we evaluate the challenges these young leaders face every day in their ministry and personal lives? What could we do to make sure incidents of sexual failure remained infrequent? We reviewed the ministry’s policies on sexual misconduct, which were already clear about sexual issues. (Many organizations, ministries and businesses now have compulsory standards and policies that spell out discipline for viewing pornography on company computers and other infractions. If your church or organization does not have such policies, you need to address this now!)
We also discussed the fact leaders who struggle with sexual sin often do so privately and secretly. My experience shows that if these battles are not dealt with honestly, our effectiveness as youth leaders is jeopardized. We lose the ability to impact the generation of students who have had their sexual boundaries blurred. If we desire to influence students to have healthy sexual boundaries, we must strive for the same in our own lives.
The organization I work with has sought to incorporate grace in its approach and practice restoration whenever possible with staff members who acknowledge and address sexual challenges. Training for all new employees also is provided, including a thorough discussion about how to maintain healthy boundaries in ministry and life.
Finding Freedom
I have worked with hundreds of men and women who have struggled with hidden desires and sexual secrets. Do you face similar struggles? There is a way out. It will take work and support. May I suggest the following practical steps?
1) Connect with Community
Find a community in which you are able to share your story, where others also will share theirs. Such community must be authentic, transparent and safe. If you cannot find one, create one.
Many cities now have 12-step programs that are helpful and supportive for those struggling with sexual sin and addiction. These groups will provide opportunity for sobriety—another word for ceasing the behavior, healing (
A professor once told me people who go to their graves with secrets should be pitied. His statement was meant to be a call for each of us to strive to live in community, to live as if there is no such thing as a secret—to know and to be known.
2) Study
Read books on the topic of sexual addiction and recovery.
3) Connect to God
Be engaged in a lifestyle of praise and worship, forgiveness and reconciliation, fasting and prayer.
4) Get Help
Seek counseling. Find a counselor who specializes in the area of sexual addiction. All of us are challenged by the sexual epidemic that is raging in our world, but I am hopeful. I am encouraged by organizations that are being proactiveand facing these issues directly.
We cannot face this epidemic alone. We need each other in this battle. I want to encourage you. Christ promises a hope and a future. If you are struggling silently with these issues, be honest and begin the journey home today.
