When I was 17, I started dating my first boyfriend. Having grown up in a conservative Christian home, purity was something I had heard around every corner. Yet, when it came to having a boyfriend, I still had no idea what to do. I felt guilty about my first kiss. I felt guilty about kissing my own boyfriend because I had no idea where the line was. In one sense, it seemed right; yet I couldn’t figure out why I felt guilty. All the talks about purity had taught me nothing when it came down to it. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my guilt because of it. As a young Christian newly entering the sexual world, I had no idea what to do; no one told me the details. All I ever heard was “Don’t.”
My aunt, who is a counselor at a juvenile court in Massachusetts, recently sent me an email that commented about this. She apparently told the youth group at her church that the church does a very lousy job of teaching girls how to be prepared for sex in the future. In her words, “It’s like, ‘Bad, bad, bad, bad’…’I do.’ Now, ‘Good.’ How does that happen? How do they get rid of this notion that being pure and good and all that means no sex, then suddenly, ‘Have sex; it’s great!'”
I had to agree. How can we be expected to condition ourselves to, “No, no, no; then suddenly, “Yes”? This isn’t how we work. Aside from this notion of “Don’t,” the church doesn’t really talk much about sex. Yet, we are sexual beings, created by God. So how can we open this discussion in a more honest light and help teenagers better understand the reasons for abstaining until marriage? How can we get away from this notion of “Don’t?”
Reality is that we live in a sex-saturated culture. Sex is portrayed in TV, movies and most every song on the radio. It is silly and naïve to suggest Christian teens simply must avoid these things to remain pure. It is impossible to do so; and even if it were possible, no teen would want to because it would be social suicide. Abstaining from sex in high school makes you a loser. It seems the more sex you have, the more popular you are. Sex is equated with adulthood—a coming of age experience. All these things are what our Christian teenagers are surrounded by; yet, the extent of explanation they get is, “It’s better to wait for your husband/wife,” “Save yourself,” “Remain pure,” “Don’t.”
So what happens when one of these girls decides social acceptance and adulthood seem to be better options than “Don’t?” Boys use love to get sex; girls use sex to get love. What happens when they decide they want love? They don’t want to wait for 10 years for love. They want to be loved now. We all want love, don’t we? So as a teenager living in a world where sex seems to equal love and the only reason offered not to be sexual is “Don’t,” what can we expect them to choose? Love sounds much more appealing.
So then what happens when a teen becomes pregnant, and her family and the church shun her for sexual sin? It is not our job to elevate sexual sin above all else and condemn all who fall into it. It is our job to love them all the more in their brokenness. Certainly, there are programs for this purpose. For example, The Friendship Center for New Beginnings in my hometown of Flemington, N.J., takes in these girls who are not accepted by their families in their pregnancy and gives them a place to live, a place to be loved.
Pregnancy is not always the end of a breach of purity, but the point is that conversation needs to be open to all situations, however serious or sinful we may desire to categorize them. In my own case at 17, I should have been comfortable asking someone about that situation. One could argue further that I should have known what to do in that situation—the lines shouldn’t have been so blurred in the first place. If there had been a conversation as opposed to just a word (Purity) and a command (Don’t), I already would have known what to do. Perhaps this is where the problem lies: Even as adults, we don’t know where the lines are. We tell teens, “Don’t,” because we’re not exactly sure where to tell them to stop, where to tell them experimentation is OK, where to say it’s up to them. If this is the case—which I feel it may be also for 20-somethings, I don’t have a clue.
There are places where sexuality is mentioned. Sex education classes in high school are becoming increasingly more popular, and abstinence is a strongly encouraged practice. These are strides toward helping teenagers grasp a better understanding of the urges that drive them, but they take place outside of the Christian community. The conversation is still absent from that scene.
Recently, Gordon College in Wenham, Mass., had what it called “Sexuality Week.” An entire week was devoted to chapels, talks and discussions about sex—its biological and spiritual facets. Conversation is a step in the right direction, but it is almost too late! Why was this conversation not opened when we were in high school? How can we better connect the knowledge of our sexual selves, created by God, with the beauty of sex, the treasure of it, and the reality of its psychological hold on us—the attachment it creates between us and another sexual being—at a time when it needs to be taught?
First, purity needs to be redefined. One girl, while speaking at Gordon College, said purity is so much more than physicality. She is right. College student and column writer Elijah Friedeman writes, “Purity involves the mind, heart and body. However, with all the emphasis on purity of the body, Christian teenagers often don’t feel the need to think about purity of the mind and heart. They think if they haven’t had sex, then they’re covered.” This is the conclusion to which we have brought our youth. This is our doing. They think this because this is what they are taught. Purity equals “Don’t”; but no, purity is much more. It is wholeness, a cleanliness before God. It encompasses all parts of life. If our hearts are set on Him, then surely conduct will follow. We will remain sexually pure because we aim to be pure and like God in every aspect of our lives.
Furthermore, purity must not be something we view as only a one-time deal that once lost is never regained. When Christ died for us on the cross, we were already dirty. His sacrifice is what cleansed us. None of us are fully clean or pure from the beginning anyway, and it is only through God’s purifying process of slowly shaping and molding us to be more and more like Him that we become pure. Purity is not just a thing that is lost after a sexual ordeal. It is so much more. It is that striving for wholeness in God. It is not only our doing, but His, as well. We cannot continue to chalk up purity to virginity and “Don’ts.”
How do we teach this kind of purity? First, learn to understand the reality of the battle our teenagers are facing every day, not only within their own bodies, but in the world around them. Recognize that sexuality does not need to be cut out or pushed away, but simply talked about and put in the open. The conversation has to be opened. As Andrew Stephens-Rennie, a youth ministries development coordinator in Ottawa, Canada, says of his experience, “The reasons for which I continue to think about sexuality are really quite simple. Throughout my time growing up in the church, it has been a rare occasion when I have had a positive conversation related to sexuality.” Sexuality has been a struggle for him because no one talks about it. Christians must learn to ask his question: “How then might we openly and honestly engage with the realities of human sexuality within our churches?” How might we help 17-year-old girls navigate their sexuality without guilt? How might we cut out this mentality of “Bad, bad, bad,” and embrace a beauty and joy in sexuality? How might we accept the girl who gets pregnant because she wanted to be loved? We might simply by beginning the conversation. We might by redefining what purity is—extending it to all areas of life, giving the onus and judgment to God, and refraining from authoritative and unexplained “Don’ts.”
Bibliography
“Christian Purity.” ChristiaNet.com., n.d. Web. Oct. 30, 2011. Calls for purity going far beyond sexual abstinence. The purpose of abstinence is to show God’s love to people. God is interested in wholesomeness from us in every aspect. Certainly sexual abstinence until marriage is pleasing to him, but He is more concerned with us learning to reflect His character in every way.
Clark, Stephen B. “Sexual Purity: Beyond Legalism.” Rc.net. n.d. Web. Nov. 1, 2011. Nothing sexual is acceptable. Courtship is the best policy—building marital relationships on common ground, not sexual desire or attraction.
Crouse, Janice Shaw. “What Works: Why Teens Choose Purity.” Crosswalk.com. Web. May 3, 2006. Nov. 1, 2011. Discusses the statistics of teen sex and pregnancy and how the religious beliefs of parents do affect those statistics and their teens’ behavior while under the age of 18.
Deem, Rich. “Is it OK for Christians to Engage in Premarital Sexual Relations Before Marriage?” GodAndScience.org. Web. July 12, 2006. Oct. 30, 2011. Biblical love isn’t a feeling, so our whole idea of marriage and how that works is skewed. Provides sexual relations in the Bible in the Old Testament and the New Testament.
Flaman, Paul. “Christian Sexual Ethics.” ualberta.ca. Web. 1992. Nov. 1, 2011. Explores three approaches to Christian sexual ethics: the submission of women, absolutes in sexual ethics and some of their respective strengths.
Friedeman, Elijah. “Teenagers on Purity.” Afa.net. Web. March 31, 2010. Nov. 1, 2011. College student who discusses in this article that purity is more than physicality, but also encompasses mind and heart.
Lookadoo, Justin. Dateable. Grand Rapids: Hungry Planet, LLC., 2003. Print. Lookadoo sets forth a guideline to proper dating. He shows how best to protect the hearts of the opposite sex, as well as how to understand the opposite sex and become even more dateable yourself.
“Sex Education for the Christian Family.” Christianbook.com. n.d. Web. Nov. 1, 2011. Christian Book Distributers’ list of books for young adults to read on sexuality. One being “You’re Teaching My Child What?: A Physician Exposes the Lies of Sex Ed and How They Harm Your Child.”
“Sexual Purity.” Zyworld.com, n.d. Web. Oct. 30, 2011. A very conservative Christian view of sexuality, this site says sex is not talked about among Christians because they feel guilty about their past possible sexual sins. Sex was created by God for a man and wife—after all its purpose is to create a lasting human soul, so it must be taken seriously. Satan is the main tempter behind any sexual sin. Different rationalizations for sex are presented. Point to focus on: “God gave me these drives and desires so it must be OK to satisfy them.”
Smith, Janet E. “The Christian View of Sex: A Time for Apologetics, not Apology.” OneMoreSoul.com. n.d. Web. Nov. 1, 2011. Addresses the reality of sexual pervasiveness in our culture today. Smith also addresses Christian sexuality as connected to much more than just the physical—what we teach can look similar to other teachings about not having premarital sex, but it lacks the moral and spiritual element Christianity argues. Sets forth the three truths of sexuality: it is only proper in the arena of marriage, marriages must be faithful for love to survive, and children are a gift to parents.
Stephens-Rennie, Andrew. “Healthy Sexuality & Christian Community.” EmpireRemixed.com. n.d. Web. Nov. 1, 2011. This article speaks about how necessary the conversation about sexuality is in Christian community and how it is currently lacking. The Christian faith has something to say about sexuality, and this should be discussed from birth to death. This author never experienced the conversation the way he feels he should have.
