“I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to disappoint you.” Tears streamed from her eyes as we sat in a little restaurant doing one of the things I dread the most: having a tough conversation with a student. As she responded to my questions about drinking at her friend’s party just a few nights before, I prayed God would use me to speak words of encouragement and love into this 16-year-old; and I began to tear up, as well. The truth is, I wasn’t disappointed in her. I just desired more for her. Confronting a teenager about the things of this world that believers are not called to do–in a society that teaches them that what they’re doing isn’t wrong–is certainly not a glamorous part of being in youth ministry.
We live in a culture that consistently pounds our young women’s hearts and minds with junk, yet serve a God who calls them to much more. Throughout the time I’ve been in ministry, I have worked with three different categories of girls. The first grew up in an environment where 38 percent of the population lives under the poverty line; very few had both parents at home, and several wore the same clothes day after day.
The second consisted of a hodge podge of students who lived in a residential treatment facility for teenagers who usually came from jail or were headed that direction. Some of these girls had both parents at home; some had none; some had the latest designer clothes; some wore clothes that we issued to them through the state. Some girls could read and write very well, while others just wouldn’t even if we offered a reward for trying.
Now I work in a relatively middle-class area with girls who strive for success, consistently make good choices and have parents who love and care for them. Although each category of girls is drastically different, regardless of the socioeconomic status of each particular set of girls, my experience with all three has been similar — and tied to one common thread — the necessity of having tough conversations.
We live in a culture which values almost nothing the church values. Therefore as leaders, we need to have tough conversations in order to bring students back into the fold and help them navigate upstream in a culture that’s surging the opposite direction.
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking: What does that look like? How do you start a conversation like that? What happens afterward?
Here are some practical ways to handle a tough, yet fruitful conversation (especially with a girl):
• Pray. No matter what we do as youth workers, if we aren’t bathing it in prayer, there’s no point. God is a God who hears us and answers us. My prayers for these particular conversations usually focus on God giving me the words that He will use and the patience to hear the whole story from the other side.
• Be persistent in picking a date and time to hang and talk. Students are over-scheduled, over-programmed and usually too busy for their own good. However, I’ve found that being persistent in picking a time no matter how inconvenient for me opens doors in their hearts to realize I do care and want to spend time and talk with them about their lives.
• Be filled with grace. Sometimes things aren’t as they seem. There’s nothing good about being legalistic in a conversation such as this. Students need to know their struggle is typical, forgivable, understandable and most importantly correctable. Listen first, talk second.
• Ask the hard questions. In the particular conversation discussed above, my questions were very direct and required honesty from both sides. “Why did you want to drink that night?” “Have you had alcohol before?” “Are you around it more than you should be?” etc. Students respond to honesty because they value authenticity.
• Follow up! A mistake I’ve made several times is having the tough conversation and then leaving it however the conversation ended. There’s no value in that. The value is in the follow up, checking in, asking how the student is doing with the particular conversation you’ve shared. The truth about following up is that it allows students to know they weren’t just on your to-do list; instead, the follow-up conversation allows them to see you are invested in their lives and care about the choices that they make.
The reality of the situation is that we could play games and win kids to Jesus through camps, beach days, mission trips and ice cream runs. However, if we aren’t making disciples to advance the kingdom of God, then we aren’t living out our calling as youth workers to its fullest. Tough conversations make disciples. Tough conversations call us into righteous behavior, youth workers as well as students. Who do you need to have a tough conversation with today?
