Are the holidays as the song states, “The most wonderful time of the year”? The holidays are rapidly approaching which can stir up a range of different emotions in teens. Holidays can stress even the mellowest person, and being a teen is among the most stressful times in one’s life. Combine the two and you have a recipe for mental overload.
Recognize how much stress kids are under in general, especially as it relates to the school, the economy, and family. The American Psychological Association’s recent Stress in America survey found that while 45 percent of teens and 26 percent of tweens said they were under more stress this year, less than a third of parents even noticed their kids’ increased worry. If the parents didn’t notice, can we assume we as leaders don’t notice? Their worry is affecting the quality of their lives: 42 percent of teens and 30 percent of tweens report headaches; 49 percent of teens and 39 percent of tweens cite difficulty sleeping; 39 percent of teens and 27 percent of tweens say they eat too much or too little. Now add to this the stress of the holidays!
Many kids dread the holidays, particularly in families facing financial challenges, in divorced or blended families, in families where some kind of trauma, such as a death or abuse has occurred. If a teen anticipates fighting or bitterness or abuse when the family gets together, these toxic feelings may surface in a variety of ways: isolation, difficulty sleeping, unhealthy eating habits, drinking alcohol, abusing drugs, cutting or thoughts of suicide.
Consider how a tween may feel. They have an intense need to grow up and be autonomous while holiday traditions most often center on the younger siblings. They still long to be Mom and Dad’s little girl or little boy, but may feel as if they should have grown out of that desire. Holidays bring these conflicted feelings to the surface more than any other time of the year. Loss of routine often surfaces as stress. Holidays may remind a tween of the role in family rituals he or she used to play as a child and may make them feel as though they no longer belong.
The holiday season may also be a trigger for disordered eating behavior. One teen who had been abused by an uncle said she would begin to binge and purge as soon as she learned of his forthcoming visit. She was attempting to get rid of all the bad memories and toxic feelings that surfaced by flushing them down the toilet. For teens suffering from eating disorders, the holidays can be a time of exceptional stress and frustration. The celebrations and family gatherings usually revolve around food, which can cause extreme anxiety. They want to socialize and be normal, but their anxieties about food often prevent them from participating in enjoyable social gatherings. The psychological warfare going on in their minds is enormous and intense.
Give the 12 Gifts of Christmas and Help a Teen Bust Holiday Stress
Here are 12 ways you can let a teen know you love him or her and truly want to help them manage their specific stress issue. If a teen is showing signs of stress or moping around give:
1. The gift of empathy: The holiday season may be a trigger for a number of psychological issues. Letting him or her know you care is the first step. If you’re concerned about a specific behavior, approach him or her in a way that minimizes disruption [if this is at youth group or at school]. When you speak to him or her, focus on the behavior rather than food, weight and/or eating habits, for example, if that’s the the issue. You can say, “I’ve noticed your attention to worship isn’t what it used to be,” or, “I’ve noticed you aren’t as talkative as you used to be…You’re a valuable part of this group, and I’m concerned. Want to talk?”
2. The gift of prayer: Pray with them and let them know you will be praying for them all week. Encourage them to pray and take their feelings to God. They need to know God is a good friend. He’s honestly interested to hear about their day and problems. He will accept them for who they are and what they’ve done. They can feel safe in the hand of an all-powerful God.
3. The gift of support: If this is a teen’s first holiday without a loved one—Grandpa passed away, big sister is in Iran, Mom and Dad split up—they no doubt are feeling a deep sense of loss. Encourage them to talk about how the situation is making them anxious, sad or mad. Reassure them that it’s good to talk about their emotions. Letting them know that what they are feeling is normal can help them feel better.
4. The gift of refueling: With their busy and stressed-out lifestyles, spending time with God is critical. For teens, it certainly can be a challenge to find daily time to be alone with God. We tell them not to think of it as adding one more thing to their schedule, but think of it as taking time to refuel and de-stress. God’s Word has so much power to change their lives and reduce pressure. Encourage them to ask God for what they feel they are lacking. Help and guide them to put this into practice.
5. The gift of hope: Use your testimony about how God has helped you through a similar situation. Encourage them to let go of their angst. Scripture promises that God will turn the ashes of our lives into something beautiful. He will “bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor” (Isaiah 61:3). Then you might use a candle as a symbol of new light in their life. “I hope for (i.e., faith, forgiveness, peace, joy, kindness) as I light this candle.”
6. The gift of forgiveness: If teens are angry and bitter, even hateful, help them understand and begin the process of forgiveness. They must recognize there is so much power in letting go of injustice, unforgiveness, bitterness, anger and resentment. All these toxic emotions do is hinder us from connecting with others and God. Injustice and inequality in families happen. It is what you choose to do with your anger that determines your future relationship with others and with God. The very injustice of their wounds may be the very thing God uses to prepare and position them to be in the right place to receive a blessing they can’t even imagine!
7. The gift of calmness: Research points to the calming effects and health benefits of slow, deep breathing. Encourage him or her to make a regular practice of taking 1 to 5 minutes each day of relaxing balloon breathing. Breathe in to a count of 3 about 2 inches below the navel, imagining there’s a balloon filling up with air, and out to that same slow count. It can center and rebalance the teen.
8. The gift of exercise: Exercise releases feel-good chemicals and is one of the fastest ways to chase away holiday blahs. Think about some physical activities you can do with a teen who’s feeling blue. Maybe all he or she wants to do is take a walk and talk.
9. The gift of gratitude: Through the month of December, have teens every day share something they appreciate about someone else, starting with their families, then they can share their appreciation about others and the things God has blessed them with. When we learn to give thanks, we are learning to concentrate on the good things and not on the bad things, thereby, busting stress.
10. The gift of random acts of kindness: Encourage teens to be nice to someone they consider nasty or a stranger—for no reason. With practice, they most like will feel their stress levels decrease with each pleasant gesture. One idea is to play Secret Santa in an effort to increase selfless generosity. They can be a Secret Santa to another youth via a youth group event or on their own—to a neighborhood child or an elderly member of their church or community. You might offer to shop together for inexpensive gifts and wrap the presents together.
11. The gift of volunteering: Take them to the local homeless shelter to serve meals or visit a nursing home with handmade Christmas cards or something along that line. Helping others gives teens a feeling of more control and a sense of being useful and appreciated.
12. The gift of resources: If a teen has an emotional issue such as an eating disorder, is cutting, drinking and/or abusing drugs, or showing signs of deep depression or any other destructive behavior, professional help is called for immediately. You will need to talk to the parents about your concern, and having a handful of resources available will be an asset. If there are some counselors, doctors or nurses in your church, you can start by asking them. Contact local medical professionals or hospitals for a comprehensive list of community and medical resources.
Kimberly is a board certified biblical counselor and coach, speaker, and founder of Olive Branch Outreach—a ministry dedicated to bringing hope and restoration to those struggling with body image. Kimberly volunteers in student ministries and youth education outreach. She is the author of four books including Torn Between Two Masters: Encouraging Teens to Live Authentically in a Celebrity-Obsessed World.
