“Oh my God!” were the last words one student reported coming from my lips just before the impact. A truck pulling a fifth-wheel trailer crossed over the road’s center line, slamming into our side, pulling its trailer deep through the interior of the bus. When the bus finally came to a stop, the scene I witnessed resembled more of a war zone than a weekend youth retreat—six of our students were dead; many others were injured; and everyone was facing a long journey of emotional healing. As youth minister, I had to work through my own grief while walking with others through theirs.

I was not supposed to hear the words, “He is not the quality of speaker we need for this event,” but I did and it hurt, a lot. I really admire the person who spoke these words. I would have much rather accepted critique from him than to be left questioning my ability as a speaker. If he questioned my quality, then perhaps others did, as well. Later that year, I was asked to speak at a conference at which he, too, would be speaking. I could not help but wonder if he thought I was “good enough” to be on the same stage with him. Even so, I had to find a way to deal with my own uneasiness and pain while fulfilling my commitment to the conference.

Horrific ministry tragedies or common disappointments can leave a youth worker struggling to find a space in which to deal with his or her own emotional issues. Because teens and families count on the youth worker to be a focal point, compass and encyclopedia throughout the grief journey, the youth worker’s journey can be overlooked easily and covered with the business of ministry. Regardless, youth workers have to take seriously their need for self care.

Defeating the Youth Worker Grief Myths
There are three myths that keep youth ministers from working through their own pain of loss. These myths are easy to spot but difficult to defeat because of the strong desire youth workers have to serve and please people.

I can’t deal with my pain right now. You can’t afford not to deal with your pain. Youth workers who choose to push their grief aside turn into hurt, bitter, angry, self-destructive and paranoid people. John was a youth volunteer supreme. He had a contagious passion for teenagers, was creative nad available for service at a moment’s notice; he even loved lock-ins. He was on the scene and was touched deeply by an event in which teenagers died in a horrible accident. At first, he dealt with his grief, but the pressure to help others slowly took up the space he had created to deal with his own pain. When asked to back off from the ministry and deal with his grief, it turned ugly. In short, he did not last long in the ministry; neither did his marriage. Like a splinter, the pain of loss will work its way out. You can’t stop it. You have to deal with it.

I have to be strong. There are times when youth workers need to suppress their feelings and provide a strong presence. Such demonstrations of strength are needed in the midst of a sudden crisis when clear thinking and direction is needed. However, strength should not be defined by keeping one’s emotions suppressed. Ask yourself: “Are you stronger and better at dealing with the pain of loss than Jesus?” Remember, Jesus wept.

I don’t have time to stop. Do you not have time to stop, or are you afraid of what you will find if you do stop? Josh and Susan have been involved in youth ministry for a long time and have experienced every type of loss in the book. Even though they knew better, there have been times when they have turned up the pace of ministry in order to avoid an emotional confrontation with a loss. As a result, the couple’s friends did not recognize the couple’s need for support. This left Josh and Susan feeling isolated and hurt by their friend’s perceived lack of care and concern. A little time off could have really saved Josh and Susan a lot of pain and heartache. Remember that Jesus, in the face of ministry pressures, “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed (Luke 5:16),” and we would do good to follow His example.

Finding a Safe Place to Grieve
While fully divine, Jesus was also fully human and had to deal with ministry disappointments and grief. Jesus found and created safe places in which personal healing and comfort could be provided. A safe place is a physical, spiritual and/or relational location in which the one in pain can express his or her feelings of loss openly without fear of judgment. Jesus found safety in friends and family, select leaders and counselors (i.e., Holy Spirit; Moses/Elijah) and in the practice of spiritual disciplines. Take an inventory of the safe places available to you.

Safe Place Inventory
Friends and family. Who are the people who love and support you because of who you are, not what you do?

Select Leaders. In some situations it is wise to find leaders outside your particular church so safety and objectivity can be ensured. Who are the select leaders who love you for who you are, not what you do?

Counselor. If you are suffering from the consequences created by practicing the youth ministry grief myths, it may be time to refer yourself to a counselor. With whom are you most comfortable talking?

Spiritual Disciplines. Sometimes a crisis is required to bring the disciplines back into play. Circle and begin to practice the disciplines you believe will provide the best opportunity for joining God in the journey through grief (Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines, 158).

Conclusion
Satan knows working through the pain of loss only will make you a stronger, more joyful person and a more effective youth worker. To combat this, Satan will attempt to use myths – and lies – to keep you isolated in your pain so your life and ministry become a constant discouragement. Be assured you are not alone in your pain. While your need for healing may rise out of a unique situation, know that every youth minister has had seasons of ministry in which healing was needed. Nouwen writes: “We do not know where we will be two, 10 or 20 years from now. What we can know, however, is that man suffers and that a sharing of suffering can make us move forward” (The Wounded Healer, 100).

Move forward in your suffering. Blessings to you as you confront the myths, take inventory of, and begin to access the safe places in your life. The journey most likely will not be an orderly walk through the steps of grief; it does not work that way. However, it does work. There is healing available to the healer. In the end, your ministry to teenagers will be even stronger and your relationship with the Lord deeper.

How To Tell Your Leaders You Need a Break
Depending on your situation, it may seem easier to work harder and ignore your need for a break than to face the uncertain response of a ministry supervisor. Even so, if you and your trusted safe place advisor(s) feel you need to take a break, take the break. So, how do you approach your supervisor and let him or her know you need a break? Here are a few suggestions:

1. Enlist the help of one of your safe selected leaders. (Refer to the list you created). Depending on your denominational affiliation, this person can help you determine with whom you need to communicate in order to put a plan of healing into action, as well as coach you in what to say or do to be sure your needs are met.

2. Be open about your need for healing. Your select leader can coach you on what and how much to communicate, but the idea is to let your leadership know you have a need for healing and it is affecting the way you are ministering to others.

3. Have a plan or ask for help in creating a plan. If you have created a plan, share that plan with your leadership. If no plan has been created, ask the leadership to assist you in formulating a plan for healing.

4. Ask for accountability and blessing in working the plan. Once a plan of action has been determined ask for accountability and blessing in working the plan. (Remember any plan for healing should be based on flexible journey markers, not timetables.)

A Special Note to Church Leaders (Senior Pastor Types)
It is difficult for anyone to ask for help in healing when expected to be the healer. Be sensitive to the person asking for assistance; honor and protect the changes that may occur in their “scheduled activities,” and be careful about how accountability is determined.