In a popular sitcom “How I Met Your Mother,” a group of friends moves from one sexual partner to the next in an open pursuit of a good time. It is made abundantly clear that two of the characters have zero desire in marriage. These two characters are then portrayed as having the time of their lives moving from one meaningless sexual encounter to the next. What is truly crafty is one is a man, one is a woman; both are young and attractive. What is deceptive is that both are also unaffected by the pile of past sexual encounters. Obviously this show is misleading as real life never plays out this way. Each time “the two become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) outside of marriage, the two need to unbecome one flesh as they move on. Just as the separation of two Siamese twins who share one flesh cannot be separated without leaving scars, no two people joined in sexual intimacy can be separated without leaving scars. How then do we help our students avoid the repercussions of the lifestyle this culture is inundating them with through music, television, movies, video games, literature and education? We can help them by pointing them to God’s Word. Let’s look at two basic principles: one for guys, one for girls.

Peter wrote to a crowd that was being bombarded with the same things we are today: entertainment, partying and sex. The Roman culture was worse than American culture in this respect. They had already taken the plunge in areas our society has begun tinkering in during the last decade. As a result, morals were a thing of ultimate relativity; as long as everyone paid their taxes, Rome was happy. The effects of this were not being seen only in the non-believing world of the Roman Empire, but also within the believing world of God’s kingdom. In response, Peter, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, wrote to the men and women about how to carry themselves amid a sexually charged climate. Speaking to husbands, Peter wrote, “Live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life” (1 Peter 3:7); and to the women, “Wives…do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…” (1 Peter 3:3-4).

Gentleness and Respect Over Biceps and Abs
We all forever were changed by the airbrushed abs of the men in the movie 300. Every man on the screen had not just a six-pack, but a 16-pack! I have to admit, having watched the movie, I was envious of what I saw and wanted to replace my own washbasin belly with a washboard stomach. As a matter of fact, I have set out to make myself more attractive to my wife by hitting the gym three days a week. I successfully lost more than 30 pounds and am in the best shape of my life. Yet, for some reason, my wife does not come home and oogle over my freshly sculpted bod. She continues to want the same thing from me she did before: gentleness and respect. I could have a washboard stomach, but if I don’t treat my wife with gentleness and respect, she is as attracted to me as she is to the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. When I am gentle and treat her with respect though, watch out!

Our young men need to be encouraged and trained to learn to understand the females God has place in their lives. No more teaching them the phrase, “Women can’t be understood son…” because the Bible says, “Learn to understand them!” Rather than focusing on showing young ladies how awesome they are at throwing a stinging dodgeball, our young men need to show young ladies how hard they are trying to understand how they think and feel. Sure, it’s not easy; there is a lot of truth behind the whole pink-and-blue concept. Yet, it is this quality of understanding that leads to long lasting, healthy relationships. Our young men also need to be encouraged and trained to treat women as their equals in terms of intelligence, morality and spirituality. While Peter reaffirms the physical difference between men and women (regarding strength) “as the weaker vessel,” he also reaffirms the mental and spiritual equality of men and women, “showing honor…since they are heirs with you of the grace of life.” This honor we show is honor due them. If our young men can be trained up with this understanding and have it modeled before them, it will help them focus on understanding the women around them. They will see knowing the opposite sex as important as attracting the opposite sex.

Godliness and Character over Maybeline and Prada
“Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” That is the tag line of one of this decade’s greatest hits. The reality is that songs only continue to get worse! Imagine what the young girls of today think is important. Everything around them screams, “Look sexier! Be skinnier! Get some new clothes!” As much as we tell our daughter how beautiful she is, she still wants to adorn herself with princess clothing, jewelry and makeup (which is typical at age 3). She has an innate desire to look beautiful on the outside.

Our young ladies have to be encouraged and trained to let their adornment be on the inside. The word adorning comes from the Greek word kosmos, which more literally means “world.” So what Peter is saying is not that young women shouldn’t care about their appearance. This is not an endorsement just to let themselves go unkempt. Rather, God, through Peter, said, “Don’t let your whole world be about your looks: your hair, your makeup, your jewelry, your clothes and your figure. We all have seen the mother who can’t accept the fact she is not a teenager anymore. She wears Abercrombie shirts and jeans, gets her hair dyed with crazy color streaks, and has the latest iPhone. We also have seen the grandma who can’t accept the fact she is not a teenager anymore. Here is the sad reality though: Those women are teen girls who never were encouraged and trained to let their adorning be on the inside. The lack of this encouragement and training has left them insecure, vain and ultimately vulnerable to poor treatment from men.

Elder Training over Culture Training
How do we see this happen? So many students will come to me after things already have gone awry to tell me about the advice they had received from their friend who got them in this mess (see 2 Chronicles 10–2 Chronicles 11). It’s the blind leading the blind. An even greater majority may not ask anyone—they are taking their cues from the media and the world around them. Even if they were not relying on these sources of peer and media, one solo youth pastor is not going to be able to help them all! Kids are not designed to learn these things on their own; unfortunately, the world around them including public schools, friends, music, television, movies and too often their own homes are not always the best place to learn them either. It needs to be taught and modeled by the elders around them. That is exactly why Paul called on the elders to join in, and that is the best plan to help our students in these areas.

In Titus 2:1-8 Paul calls the whole church in to assist in leading the youth. Remember, there wasn’t a youth group back then. This was to be happening in real life, throughout the week. This had to be modeled, not taught at a weekend retreat or youth group, although that certainly doesn’t hurt! The bottom line is that this is caught more than taught. The young men have to see the older men treating all women with an honest attempt at understanding,and a sincere respect on all levels. The young women need to spend time with women who teach them through their own lives how true beauty looks that emanates from a pure and godly spirit on the inside. Young men need to learn humility; young ladies need to learn modesty. Why do they need to learn all of this? Because if they don’t, the culture around them will teach them how to base their identity on how many they can catch and how many want to catch them instead of how many they can understand and respect and how many want to truly know them.