Screeching brakes broke the quiet morning calm. The alarming noise was quickly followed by a whirlwind of chaos as our luggage catapulted through the air with the ease of an Olympic gymnast. Coffee cups and croissants joined the fun by doing somersaults into our laps—scoring a perfect 10 for the dismount. Dodging a flying duffle bag, I looked up at my friend Keri, as we tumbled to the ground, and said, “This is sooooooo not normal!”
TRAVEL ADVISORY: THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NORMAL ABOUT A TRAIN WRECK IN EASTERN EUROPE.
Crisscrossing Europe by rail is hands down the very best way to experience the continent. What American can resist the enchantment of hopping on a train in Rome, falling asleep only to awaken in Paris by morning? I’ve taken advantage of this incredible rail system on each of my European adventures…London to Paris, Berlin to Munich, Florence to Pisa, and everything in between, but no amount of experience prepared me for a full-blown train wreck.
My friend Keri and I were at the tail end of a three-week tour when we found ourselves sitting on the tracks somewhere in Eastern Europe. I met with Keri in Munich, and from there we set out to visit the countries of Austria, Hungary, Czech Republic and France. I’d been to Europe a few times before, but this was Keri’s first adventure. So, with all of my “European experience,” I assumed the role of tour guide and sage advisor to my friend, the novice. Therefore, from time to time, Keri likes to point out in retelling our escapade that I would assure her with the phrase, “This is normal.”
“When we cross the border between Germany and Austria, be prepared…they will ask for your passport. This is normal.”
“Our french fries in France will actually come with mayonnaise instead of ketchup. This is normal!”
And indeed, everything was normal when we caught the early morning train to Prague. Once settled in our compartment, we placed our coffee and croissants on the table separating us. Keri grabbed her book, while I rested my head against the window, watching the countryside roll along. Lulled to sleep by the rhythmic click clacking of the old train, I was jolted awake when I felt the initial thump of wheels skidding off rail. Objects didn’t stop flying until we finally capsized onto the gravel edge. NOT NORMAL! NOT NORMAL! NOT NORMAL!
With adrenaline pumping and eyes bulging, we stared at each other. Once we processed what had just happened and realized we were totally fine…injury free…we laughed until our sides ached. A train wreck…seriously? Did that just happen?
Finding our strewn bags, we joined the other passengers sitting outside on the tracks. Looking around after the dust cleared, I noticed all sorts of reactions that ranged from hysteria to humor. Some people dealt with the stressful situation with anger while others just waited patiently for the rescue train to pick us up. We took the opportunity to have an impromptu photo shoot on the train tracks…we’d need plenty of evidence back in the U.S.A…sure the tale would grow larger and larger with the telling.
Today, in this retelling, I’m incredibly thankful I had Keri by my side. She’s a great travel companion: spontaneous yet organized, laidback yet assertive when needed, able to laugh at trials yet filled with compassion. More than that, she’s a great friend.
Remembering that moment on the tracks, I can’t help but think of how similar that scene is to this journey we call life. There are times when it feels like everything goes off track, and it is your heart that is skidding into the gravel. During those scary moments, the luggage flying in your face may land nicked and scarred among the rocky terrain of sickness, infertility, heartbreak, rejection, financial crisis or fear. It really doesn’t matter the situation. It’s always a relief to know there is a good friend by your side when you’re stuck, waiting on the tracks for the rescue.
In my opinion, this is one of God’s greatest blessings in friendship: the companionship that only a good friend can provide. Honestly, none of us ever really knows when life is going to go de-rail, and when you’ll find yourself sitting by the road in need of rescue. One of God’s supreme gifts in these seasons is the provision of friends. Thankfully we don’t have to sit alone…when you have a good friend, a faithful companion, you have someone with you on those tracks who says, “Okay, this is not normal. But you are not alone.”
HOW TO TRAIN WRECK A GOOD FRIENDSHIP…MAKE IT AN IDOL!
What girl doesn’t want a best friend? A loyal companion who is always there for her, who understands us completely, and who listens attentively. The longing for this person runs deep in our souls. I’ve seen this desire played out in little girls and grown women alike. Young girls want someone to share the coveted best friend necklace, secret crushes and the lunch table in the cafeteria. Grown women crave the same thing, although we’ve exchanged the necklace for titles such as “maid of honor” or “my bestee,” and we’ve traded in the cafeteria lunch table for a standing Saturday brunch date.
While it’s true that close companionship is a gift from God, even the best of friendships can become dysfunctional if unrealistic expectations are placed upon the relationship. There is a point when our legitimate need for companionship can take an unhealthy turn and result in its own kind of train wreck.
If the cry of our hearts for love and acceptance is not first realized in a relationship with Jesus Christ then great disappointment awaits any woman who believes she’ll find it in a friendship. Bottom line: Our best girl friend, on her best day, with the best of intentions cannot make us feel secure if we are not already secure because of our position in Christ.
Whatever our age or stage in the game, the issue at hand is one of belonging. Because as women we derive much of our identity from relationships, it makes sense that we would draw a great deal of significance and security from our friendships. We long to feel special, valued. We want to know someone has our back and will always be there in our time of need.
In Robert McGee’s pivotal book The Search for Significance, he uses the term emotional dependency to describe relational idolatry. He writes, “emotional dependency is the condition resulting when the ongoing presence and/or nurturing of another is believed necessary for personal security.”
With the dual desire for significance and security comes a cargo load of fears, unmet expectations and disappointments—the natural consequences of attempting to draw significance and security from another person. Let’s face it, no human being can meet our needs 100 percent of the time or answer the cry in our hearts about our worth and value. If we are completely honest with ourselves, we know that we certainly can’t meet those longings in others.
When a woman relies upon her status or standing in a friendship for confidence and security she misplaces her significance. This lethal cocktail will kill even the best of friendships and generates fear…
• Fear of losing status in a friendship can result in jealousy if one suspects her friend of growing closer to another.
• Fear of rejection leads many women to conform or perform to maintain relationship status.
• Fear can also lead to possessiveness or manipulation if one feels her standing in the friendship is threatened.
The greatest problem affecting friendship is the fact that no one can be our source of security and significance other than Jesus Christ. To give anyone that power is to make them God. Idolatry.
Yep, you heard me right.
When you and I hand over the power to make ourselves feel secure to another person, we make an idol of that person. This is called relational idolatry—and this is a huge red flag in friendship. Author Dee Brestin commented on this perversion in her book The Friendship of Women, “As women, our tendency toward dependency on people is our Achilles’ heel. We engage in relational idolatry with friends and husbands, forgetting that our real security is in God.” Relational Idolatry? Yes, that is a strong word, but a needed one. We need to recognize that friendships that are characterized by guilt, fear, manipulation, exhausting demands and a general lack of freedom are so “not normal!”
Relational idolatry will destroy and divide even the best of friends. Yes, I said destroy. The reason is simple. A relationship cannot stand that kind of pressure. Projecting our need for belonging onto a friendship places a burden on the relationship that will ultimately cause it to crumble under the strain of unmet expectations and insecurities. As I recently told a group of young women in a Bible study class, “no one can be your Jesus except Jesus.”
There’s only one who saves us.
There’s only one who defines us.
There’s only one who completes us.
There is only one who truly lays down His life for us.
If we look to a friend to meet our emotional needs, trust me on this one sister, we will be highly disappointed. No one can rightfully sit on the throne of the human heart other than Jesus Christ. Attempting to put another in His place leads only to disappointment, which causes its own downward spiral: disappointment results in hurt feelings, bitterness, anger and all sorts of fun defensive reactions. Can anyone say, “Drama?”
Yikes! So, what’s a girl to do? Here is the first step to wholeness and freedom:
# 1—Recognize the Problem
We must own up to the problem and recognize relational idolatry as sin. Idolatry in any form is the exaltation of something or someone to a higher place than God Himself. The very first two of the Ten Commandments address the issue of idolatry head-on. And God spoke all these words: “I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God” (
Our modern culture often thinks of idols as small wooden objects that are worshipped in other religions. In reality, anything can serve as an idol…people, possessions, money, status…and even a friendship. Yet, God is clear. Our hearts are not safe until they are fully His. Our tendency toward idolatry plagues the human race. Yet, God loves us so much that He won’t allow any idol to stand in His rightful place. If we put a relationship at a higher place in our hearts, He will tear it down. Trust me.
The one worthy of our hearts…is the Lord.
The source of our significance…is the Lord.
Our security…is the Lord.
The one who defines us…is the Lord.
He is a jealous God. Jealous for us. Because idolatry destroys anything it touches, especially relationships, God commands us to remove idols from our hearts. Does this mean the friendship must end? No! But we must first recognize if we are exalting the friendship to a place that isn’t godly.
Here’s how: Ask yourself these tough questions.
• Are my expectations of my friend realistic concerning time, communication and availability?
• Is my friend expecting too much of me?
• Do I frequently unintentionally hurt her?
• Do I feel totally free and myself with this person?
• Do I walk on eggshells in order to please?
• Do I feel possessive or threatened?
• Do I obsess in fear about losing the friend?
• Is my identity tied to the friendship? Status, ranking, popularity?
• Do I have a history of failed close friendships? Why?
• Have I conformed myself or my values to meet a friend’s demands or in order to fit into a group?
• Am I drawing an inappropriate amount of security from this relationship?
While this list isn’t exhaustive, it does give us an idea of subtle ways relational idolatry can materialize in a friendship. In order for our relationships to glorify God we must ask ourselves these tough questions and recognize when we’ve placed too much weight on a friendship—a weight that only Jesus is truly able to bear.
Friendships are unhealthy when relational idolatry is allowed to stand. We must remember a healthy, God-honoring friendship is one where two people are turned outward (drawing security from God) rather than turned inward (attempting to draw security from another). In The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis, he describes the proper stance of a healthy friendship.
Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever talk about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest.
If or when a friendship is emotionally dependent or unhealthy, there always will be a lack of freedom. “Healthy relationships encourage individuality rather than conformity and are concerned with independence rather than emotional dependence. Healthy relationships point one’s focus to the Lord and pleasing Him rather than toward the friendship and pleasing one another.” Ask God today to help you recognize any areas of relational idolatry or emotional dependence and to turn you or your friend’s heart back to Him.
Marian Jordan is an author and speaker to women across the nation and founder of Redeemed Girl Ministries. Her latest book The Girlfriends Guidebook addresses the issues raised in this article, as well as other struggles women deal with in female friendships. Visit RedeemedGirl.org for her blog and speaking schedule.
Article adapted from Girlfriend’s Guidebook: Navigating Female Friendships by Marian Jordan (BH Books).
Robert McGee, The Search for Significance p. 76
Dee Brestin, The Friendship of Women p. 226
Robert McGee, The Search for Significance p. 77
