Caitlyn is a seventh grader in my youth ministry. Every Sunday, you can find her at our youth worship service, eager to learn and grow in her faith. And every Wednesday, you can find her faithfully attending a different youth worship service at another church.

I felt betrayed when I learned this. I began to wonder, what did I do wrong? What’s our ministry lacking that Caitlyn had to go in search of elsewhere? What could I do to get her back?

Then I realized I was feeling much like a parent caught in a nasty divorce who’s just been awarded visitation rights rather than the sole custody of Caitlyn’s spiritual life that I “rightfully” deserved.

That’s when it occurred to me: I don’t rightfully deserve anything when it comes to Caitlyn or her spiritual life.

Instead, God has graced our ministry with her presence and given me the responsibility to care for and nurture her. That call isn’t dependent on whether I’m the only person—or one of many—God has entrusted with this job.

Praying for the ‘Other Church’
Having recognized this, I’ve begun to approach my ministry to Caitlyn as though I’m a parent diligently working for the best interest of my child where custody is shared jointly between my church and this “other church.”

I have had to realize God is not limited to using me and the other leaders at my church to work in Caitlyn’s life. Instead, He may also choose to use people from other churches and places to work in her life, as well. For this, I should be grateful, not resentful.

Similarly, I cannot be possessive of Caitlyn’s spiritual growth. Rather, I must be willing to acknowledge this “other church” exists, by laying aside my own pride and asking Caitlyn questions about this youth group to help her process her experiences there.

I hope its youth group welcomes, accepts and loves her.

I also hope it doesn’t view Caitlyn as “fresh meat” to steal for its own youth program. I hope instead it will recognize she has a home church that also has an important role in her life.

I also pray this other group, and we, never fall into the comparison game and force Caitlyn to choose between us. Just like in a bitter custody battle, when that happens, everybody loses—especially Caitlyn.

In an ideal world, I also hope one day the youth pastor of this “other church” would have the courage to reach out to me, or I to him, and together we could establish a new friendship based on our mutual desire to see Caitlyn grow in her walk with Christ.

Juggling Visitation Rights
My newfound awareness of Caitlyn’s situation also has caused me to explore how best to minister to kids from other churches who attend my youth ministry.

Take Joanna, whose family regularly attends a nearby church. Unlike Caitlyn’s situation, Joanna’s home church retains “sole custody” while our youth ministry is limited to yearly summer visitations when Joanna joins us for our mission trip.

I hope, just as a divorced dad welcomes his kids home for the summer, we also would do the same—embracing Joanna for whatever limited time we have her in our midst, affirming her home church, and continuing to love and pray for her after she returns home each year.

Yet, the reality is because we only have visitation rights, we face unique problems in ministering to Joanna. For example, like a parent facing the issue of contrasting parenting styles, we have to acknowledge the existence of differences in theologies and styles of teaching and worship.

I’ve tried to help Joanna see value in various teaching and worship styles, and to understand styles aren’t right or wrong. Instead, they give people the opportunity to connect with and learn about God in different ways. I want to give Joanna a safe place in which to ask questions about these differences and wrestle with them.

With regard to differing theologies, never do I intentionally contradict something Joanna’s pastor has taught her. Yet inadvertently it happens. When it does, what matters is not what I say or what the other guy says. What matters is what Joanna believes. Knowing this, my goal is for Joanna to formulate and take ownership of her beliefs.

To help her do this, I ask Joanna questions designed to help her think through the issue for herself. I also encourage her to continue wrestling with the issue by returning to Scripture and by seeking counsel from others she respects.

In the Best Interest of Your Kids
Kids who attend one church but belong to another are a reality many of us will encounter in our ministry to students. How can you work for the best interest of your students when you become caught in a custody battle over their spirituality?

First, lay aside your own feelings of rejection and inadequacy, and instead recognize and thank God for all the people He uses in your student’s faith journeys.

As Brian Suter, pastor of student ministry at Westwood Community Church in Excelsior, Minn., says, “If students are experiencing and growing in Christ in another community, who am I to say anything or feel anything negative about it?”

Next, stop competing with the “other church.” Don’t compare yourself to it or try to become like it in order to retain your student’s loyalty. Instead, recognize and celebrate your uniqueness; affirm the “other church”; and help your student to discover how God is working in their lives through both ministries.

When appropriate, challenge your students who attend other groups about their motives. Are they attending another church because it’s meeting a need your church is not? Or are they looking for the “coolest” church, or the one where the majority of their friends attend?

If it’s the latter, encourage your kids to contribute to your community in both the good and bad times. When students do this, according to Suter, “there is ownership which elevates authentic community for an individual.”

Brothers and Sisters
Above all, don’t abandon your students. Continue to love them when they attend your events and when they go elsewhere. In their absence, reach out to them and demonstrate care.

When students who belong to other churches attend your ministry, welcome and love them. When necessary, also help them to process theological and stylistic differences between churches.

“This can be a great opportunity for students to learn and understand other Christian views on the subject, and to embrace each other as brothers and sisters in Christ even though we might have different understandings of doctrine,” said Joon Hwang, Youth Pastor of New Life Church in Palatine, Illinois.

Finally, reach out to the youth pastor at the “other church” so together you can work toward the best interest of your student.

When we do that, God is glorified.