It’s 4:47 a.m., and I’m wide awake. Looking at my phone, I’m frustrated because I barely fell asleep at 12:30 a.m., and I didn’t plan to get up until 6:30 a.m. All I can think about are the things that need to be done: Are we making an impact? Are we doing enough? On top of that, expectations from my wife, pastor, students, parents and the Bible all weigh me down. Did I manage my time well? Do I have time to play Xbox, games on my phone to unwind or watch a show on Netflix? Is my Xbox and Netflix helping me unwind, or am I just trying to shut off my mind for a minute so I don’t have to focus on the pressures of life and ministry?

My normal day consists of a 5- or 6-a.m. wakeup, quickly read a devotional, get my kids and myself ready for the day, drop them off at school—with barely enough time to get to the class I teach on character and leadership. I teach the class, connect with students afterward to ensure they are on track to graduate, head to the office for administrative tasks, meet with donors, develop programs, write curriculum, respond to email, and manage a team. At 2:15 p.m., my phone alarm goes off to remind me to rush back to my kids’ school to pick them up three times a week, rush home to make snacks for them, help them with homework, and cook dinner before 5 p.m.

After dinner, we rush to soccer and football practice for my two sons while my wife takes my two daughters to cheerleading practice. Of course, the soccer and football practices are in two different locations. So, I drop off one and rush to drop off the other. Finally, I have some downtime while they practice. However, I brought my tablet to check email because the last time I checked was earlier in the morning. Sometimes I’ll squeeze in a run, but I always make time to watch and cheer for my kids from the sidelines. After practice, we rush home to help the kids finish homework. By this time, it’s bedtime for the boys. I straighten up around the house and see them off to bed. It’s 9 p.m.—and finally, down time—time to knock out some chores, catch up with my wife on the day’s activities and what we need to do tomorrow. If I’m lucky, we’ll watch a recorded show—I rarely get a chance to watch shows when they actually are aired. If all works well, I can get to bed before 11 p.m. to wake up and repeat. Good luck! Oh yeah, this doesn’t include the nights we do ministry.

As is the case for many others, our lives are crazy, and we rarely have time to slow down. This is especially true if there is a family emergency or a significant event that interferes in an already jam-packed schedule. What drives us to be so busy when every minute of the day needs to be accounted for and filled? Who am I trying to impress? What are my motivations? Can I sustain this level of busyness for my family and the kingdom? Will all this contribute to my ultimate failure as a leader of my home and ministry?

Our Dark Sides

As I’ve evaluated my life and so many other leaders, I’ve noticed an interesting paradox of sorts existed in the lives of most of the leaders who had experienced significant failures such as: personal insecurities, feeling of inferiority, and a need for parental approval. So-called daddy issues seem to plague our lives and ministries, affecting all cultural, generational and class boundaries. The paradox is that these issues become the drivers for success in leadership, but also are the same issues precipitating leadership failure.

While growing up, my mother was the first in her family to graduate from college and buy a home. So, she expected her kids to do the same. However, her skills in handling conflict were non-existent. She grew up watching her father belittle her mother and physically abuse her to the point of broken arms and stitches. She vowed never to let a man do this to her, so she ruled our home with an iron fist and used those fists on her family. The only time I heard words of affirmation was when she bragged about me to her friends about how successful I was in school or sports. Because of this, I pushed myself to produce results so I would hear words of affirmation, as well as avoid the dark, abusive side of my mother for failing to do our homework or chores. We would be abused for hours if we didn’t sweep the kitchen correctly. This produced an unhealthy level of perfectionism for a kid—and this was used against my siblings with critical comments about their actions for playing games or with toys. This level of perfectionism followed me into school, work and family.

The raw materials for our dark sides include pride, selfishness and self-deception. My mother was prideful in her accomplishments to the point that she looked down on those who did not work as hard as she did. She also had a distorted view of justifying her abusive actions by making everyone else wrong, which was her way of correcting the problem. This was how she was led in her home while growing up; and without an intentional focus on leadership development in her personal life, she led the same way in her home. So did I. Our dark sides of leadership follow us from our families of origin into childhood and adolescence.

For many of us in positions of leadership, we have an invisible drive to succeed, be recognized, or make some sort of significant mark with our lives. There seems to be a vague sense of ambition, a deep need to be approved, a fear that our work is not adequate, a desire to be in full control of every aspect of our lives, perfectionism, as well as other behaviors such as overeating, compulsive spending, alcoholism, compulsive exercise, etc. Any urge that totally controls our behavior to the point that we are out of control can indicate the presence of a darker side.

Our Hierarchy

Abraham Maslow found that every person operates on a pyramid of needs starting with the largest most fundamental needs at the bottom and working its way to the top. When these needs aren’t met, an unbalanced approach to life is taken.

Physiological Needs: Basic physical requirements for human survival (e.g., air, food, shelter).

Safety: Once physiological needs are met, we have a natural desire to seek safety. During traumatic experiences, a person’s behavior will be modified to protect the person until safety is established.

Love: After physiological and safety needs are met, a person’s third level of need is interpersonal and involves feelings and a sense of belonging. This is especially true in children who can cling to abusive parents. This also has long-term effects and creates deficiencies in building healthy relationships with family, friends and intimacy.

Esteem: This need deals with self-respect and self-esteem and a desire to be accepted and valued by others. Without this need being met, feelings of incompetence, negativism and inferiority occur.

Self-Actualization: This need is met when the person realizes what his or her full potential is—being the most you can be. A good summary is: There is meaning to life.

Maslow did a great job of addressing the basic human needs; but being an unyielding atheist, he failed to grasp the power of God in the lives of an individual and the backward way God built confidence in His believers.

In Matthew 4:1-11, we read about Jesus’ temptation in the desert. We see a huge contrast in Jesus’ response to human needs. In the desert, Jesus—fully God yet fully man—probably was at His most vulnerable state, yet totally was disciplined and focused on God instead of Himself.

The first temptation was to get Jesus to meet His most basic need for food. Jesus had been on a 40-day fast with no shelter, yet He refused to satisfy His urgent and most basic need. Instead, He stood focused on a more important need—the need to obey God.

Next, we see Jesus being tempted to throw Himself off a building to test God’s concern for Him. Would He catch Him? Was He safe in God’s hands? Did God really love Him? The sneaky devil was trying to get Jesus to prove God’s love for Him and safety in Him, but Jesus didn’t fall into the temptation. Instead, Jesus knew there was something more important than preserving personal safety and approval—the need to know God.

As we reach the third temptation, Jesus was offered the entire world. This would make any other leader lust for power, yet Jesus resisted the temptation in favor of something better than significance—the need to submit to God.

While tempted, there was one thing the devil could not offer: the need for self-actualization. The rest of Malsow’s Hierarchy focuses on what a person can have and accumulate in this world. The need for self-actualization is a spiritual quest of being and becoming. Jesus’ focus was beyond this world—as ours should be. Jesus turned Maslow’s Hierarchy completely upside down.

As I’m processing this, I’m curious about how much stress and conflict are created because we constantly are striving to fulfill Maslow’s Hierarchy. We crave more money to buy more and more: bigger houses, cars, vacations and gadgets all to impress people and gain esteem. Is the rat race causing our burnout? This can be true for how we are leading our ministries, as well. Is it worth the cost to ourselves and our families to try to impress our leaders by all the amazing stuff we are doing? Is it worth it when God is saying, “I just want you to obey, know and submit to Me”?

Maslow’s Hierarchy and Jesus’ example stand in stark contrast to each other. I’m not saying Maslow’s Hierarchy isn’t important, but I’m bringing contrast to it by using Jesus as an example of how He lived His life. He lived totally surrendered to the will of God and content with what He had. In the end, it’s about living a totally abundant life. I’m sure Jesus wasn’t focused on having a big house, luxury car, high-profile job, etc.

“Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” (Matt. 6:19-21, KJV).

Stepping Away from Our Dark Sides

This is all easier said than done. If I’m honest with myself, I feel as if I still have a long way to go on this journey of becoming healthy; but I have made progress. My journey toward healthiness started in 2007 with a group of leaders who met once a month. Every leader who was a part of the group expressed the desire not to be a part of a group that was superficial and/or churchy. They all wanted raw and unfiltered friendships. It took me almost a year to open up to these guys, but it was the best thing I ever did. It made me realize I can’t truly take students to a place of realness when I myself never have gone there.

From that group, I built relationships with five other guys who were a part of a 15-month leadership journey with me. To this day, I meet once a month with this group of guys who have dealt with everything from kid issues and marriage problems to ministry and work issues. We’ve all journeyed with each other through life for almost six years.

I’m not saying a group is the only answer to help us become healthy, but if we truly are living by Scripture, which says to “bare each other’s burdens,” we have to be vulnerable with someone. This group has helped me be consistent in my leadership, family and spiritual life by giving me an outlet (aside from God) to share my pain, frustrations and struggles without being judged.

In addition, this group has helped me develop clarity with God. Total clarity with God will bring total clarity to His plan for your life. This is something I’ve found in 20 years of youth work. Knowing God’s plan for your life is great because now you know what He doesn’t want you to do, and this makes it easier to say no. I’m realizing now that I have learned to say no more often than yes. Time management also helps with this as I know my schedule, what I have time to do and what I don’t have time to do.

My hope and prayer is that leaders will reflect on the hidden driving forces in their lives that push them to unbalance and begin addressing them. It’s time to come out of the dark, be all God has called you to be, and be consistent in the lives of the people we serve. This will take courage, but we can do it!