Adolescents are guided by something called egocentric abstraction.

They see life through the limited lenses of self-interest and protection. So they say things and do things that are actually deeper cries for help that they don’t even recognize themselves.

In this article we will explore six of the most powerful longings of today’s adolescents. But in our interactions with young people we rarely if ever hear these longings expressed so clearly. That’s because kids are seldom aware of what their own longings are or how to express them.

Both kids and adults can fall into communication styles that keep them from hearing each other. What they say is often different from what we hear, and both of these are usually different from what they mean.

No. 1:

“You Don’t Know Me” vs. “I Long to Belong” Kids say this when they feel an adult is trying to put them in a box. What we too often hear in their response is that they want to push us away. This makes us feel, “I don’t matter to her.” The problem with this reaction is that it produces exactly the opposite of what your child actually needs.

When young people say, “You don’t even know me,” remember, it is not about you. They are using you as a punching bag for their own inner struggles to connect with others. They have an intense long­ing to belong, and this is always a difficult longing because relationships feel so tenu­ous and unpredictable.

Here are four ways to respond when you sense that young people have a need to belong:Z
1.Acknowledge that you care about them.
2.Let them know that it sounds to you like they may have some deep feelings going on that you may have triggered.
3.Let them know you want to know more about why they feel the way they do.
4.Let them know you’d love to sit and talk with them when they are ready.

No. 2:

“You Never Listen to Me” vs. “I Long to Be Taken Seriously”

When adolescents say you never listen, they accompany their words by actions: they roll their eyes, fold their arms, and adopt a look of boredom or exasperation with our common “lecture mode.”

We get mad because we don’t think they want to hear from us. So parents complain that their kids don’t want to lis­ten to them, and kids say exactly the same thing about parents!

The most intimate human activity any­one can engage in is not sex but conversa­tion. Having an authentic, two-way, respectful, and honoring dialogue is the greatest gift any two people can give each other. Unfortunately, too many adults get hoodwinked into believing it is their job to get information “through” to their kid.

Kids deserve and desperately need the gift of give-and-take talk. By disciplining yourself to slow down your instruction, wisdom, or agenda and learn how to truly listen to them, you will communicate vol­umes more than you ever could with words alone. In that simple act of generosi­ty, you are telling young people that what they have to say matters every bit as much to you as what you have to say to them.

No. 3:

“I Can Do It!” vs. “I Long to Matter”

To move from childhood compliance through the struggle to become a unique individual, kids have to learn how to become independent. But because we believe we have the wisdom that comes from experience, we have difficulty let­ting them make the mistakes that we are certain will lead to failure.

This will always be a bit dicey, and you will make many mistakes over the years. Yet if you recognize that the place your kids’ defensive stance comes from has more to do with the longing to mat­ter, in the long run you will have a much better chance at being received as some­one who truly cares.

Unfortunately, lots of parents and youth workers take so much control of young people’s lives that many kids do not have much chance to discover their unique identity, develop their autonomy, or even explore their calling and gifted­ness. When an adult is overly controlling, even with a young child, the kid can all too easily feel like he doesn’t matter.

And some adults go in the opposite direction. They treat an adolescent like an adult, even while she is desperate to rely on the fact that you are the adult. As she spreads her wings and makes deci­sions, you need to assure her that you are there for her, to listen, guide, and, yes, set boundaries.

No. 4:

“I’m Fine, Okay?” vs. “I Long for a Safe Place”

When our kids retreat or say or do some­thing to communicate that they are doing just fine without us, what we hear and feel is that they want to be left alone.

Often that is exactly what they think they want, too. Occasionally one of your kids may truly want you to get away and give her space. Again, as adults we tend to overreact by giving in to one of two extreme reactions. Either we take them at their word and give them all the space they say they need, or we push back and force them to stay engaged with us.

We so badly want to help our young people deal with whatever gets in the way of a happy life. That means our default reaction to any discomfort, any emotional outburst, or any number of uncomfortable to difficult situations is to try to fix whatever we see or hear—taken at face value. But we must remember that with adolescents, a much deeper river of influence and motivation is always just beneath the surface of any issue they face.

Take this scenario, for example: When a young person lashes out with words or an attitude that screams, “I’m fine, okay? Butt out, already! I don’t need you!” it is hard to imagine that what he is really communi­cating is the longing for a safe place.

Yet do not forget, defensiveness always comes from somewhere. When they push against you, often they are actually trying to say to you, “Don’t you get it? I am confused, lonely, and insecure. I don’t feel like any­body understands me or wants to. And when you push, or criticize, or even counsel me with sage advice, I feel more threatened and less understood. I long for a safe place.”

When they are feeling this way and their defensiveness or silence gives you a clue to their sense of aloneness, the task for you becomes obvious—to be that safe place for them. Your presence, stability, sensitivity and even timing can be the salve that is exactly what they need when they are at their most vulnerable.

No. 5:

“It’s My Life” vs. “I Long to Be Uniquely Me”

By the time kids hit mid-adolescence, they become aware that they are on their own in the middle of this scary and lengthy trek. At the same time, they know that in order to make it in the world, they have to become someone.

This tension—the feeling of being set adrift and isolated from everyone else competing with the need to keep moving forward in figuring out how to interact with a world perceived as uncaring and even hostile—fights against any authentic self-discovery process. The greatest ten­sion between adults and teenagers comes down to this inner struggle.

The deeper longing expressed by this attitude, however, is one that gets to the core of our kids’ daily journey. When you hear, or even feel, teenagers communi­cate that it is their lives they are dealing with, the only choice they make available to you is to stand beside them and let them know that, yes, they are their lives, and you know it. Again, timing is crucial and so are facial expressions, genuine care and compassion, and any other tool in your kit that assures them of your committed belief in them.

Sometimes, especially when there is a bit of push and pull going on either in a dis­cussion or over a period of time, you may hear it said like this: “It’s my life, and you can’t tell me what to do.” When we encounter a spirit or attitude that seems to say they don’t want or need our input in their lives, the worst thing we can do is to take what they say personally, try to defend ourselves, or somehow communicate that we don’t believe in them or they don’t have the abili­ty to make it on their own.

What your child is saying is, “I need to be uniquely me, and I feel like nobody’s helping me to become myself. And I don’t even know who this ‘me’ is.” So when they come at us attacking or defensive or guarded in what they say or how they treat us, what they really mean is, “I am so alone in trying to figure out who I am; please don’t get in my way. My life’s hard enough without having to worry about pleasing you.”

No. 6:

“Nobody Cares about Me” vs. “I Long to Be Wanted”

 When you hear or even sense that one of your kids is feeling like no one cares, what se is doing is offering you a gift: she is being vulnerable and letting you into the pain of her personal world.

This gift needs to be handled with kid gloves, gently caressing the wounds beneath the words and embracing the feelings behind the despair. But in real life, unfortunately, we get swept up in attitudes that can easily slam the door on the exposed raw places we have been offered. For many, our initial response may be to turn this around as being just one more expression of egocentric abstraction and to feel like our child needs to get over it.

Granted, excessive complaining or nonstop whining needs to be dealt with when it is used as a tool for self-indul­gence or to somehow manipulate the response of others. Especially during mid-adolescence, when the very essence of the stage is marked by self-interest and self-protection, we can find it hard to drum up too much sympathy when our child wants attention.

We need to discern when we are get­ting played and when we are being allowed into that tender part of our kids’ souls where they are scared or sad. Sometimes repeated self-loathing or self-deprecating messages and behaviors may be both manipulative and at the same time an unveiling of a deeper pain. We believe that this is true in almost every case.

Also, when we hear or sense that “nobody cares about me,” it is amazing how quickly we want to turn that vulner­ability around and use it to get sympathy for ourselves. Out of our own hidden bro­kenness or insecurity, we can so easily flip the message and interpret our kids’ whining as saying that they don’t care about us.

Your teens, even though they may not even be aware of it, carry around inside of them messages that criticize and ques­tion their worth. What they need, several times a day, are words and acts that con­sistently and without qualification pro­claim their worth and value.

What they are saying to you is, “I need you to want me—not because I’m a good football player, or I’m attractive, or you feel safe with me, or I’m dumb, or I’m loud, or I’m obnoxious . . .but because I’m me. And I wonder if anybody really wants me!”

Love Is the Answer

Our role and calling is to be the adult. Our job is to listen and look as deeply as we can to what is behind their words and underneath their behavior. Discipline, nurture, and training require that we work hard to show compassion and to understand what adolescents feel, experience, and mean.

That’s all we really have to offer our kids when they are feeling lost or stuck, or even desperate. But that’s okay, because that’s what they are longing for: love.

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Adapted from Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a MySpace World by Chap Clark and Dee Clark (Baker Books, 2007). Used with permission. Chap Clark is Senior Editor of YouthWorker Journal. His wife Dee Clark is a family therapist and the coauthor of Let Me Ask You This and Daughters and Dads.