I woke up that Sunday morning with a feeling of absolute dread. I didn’t want to go to church because I knew how hard this particular morning was going to be. My hands shook all through “big” church; and when it came time for the youth service, I tried to put on a happy face, smile, laugh and hug girls just like I always did. The service was winding down, and I knew it was almost time for the big announcement that I had been trying not to think about. I was seriously considering slipping out the back door.

My husband and I walked up to the front of the room, and I made him say it because I already was having trouble composing myself. My husband, Matt, explained to the room of about 70 junior high and high school students that God was calling us to Colorado to embark on a new adventure, and we would be moving away at the end of the month. The quiet sound of sniffling all around the room made it even harder for me to hold back my own emotions. Those were just the first of many tears that were to follow that month as we said our goodbyes to the students we loved so dearly and in whom had invested so much of our lives.

I had read all the books, attended the conferences, classes and seminars. I had a thorough knowledge of every aspect of youth ministry and felt that I was equipped for any obstacle that could come my way, that is, except for what I experienced in August — leaving.

Leaving my first youth ministry job was one of the most painful things I have experienced in my life so far. I had spent the last four years pouring my heart into the lives of the students at my church, and it never occurred to me just how deeply I had grown to love them until God asked me to leave them.

I had worked myself into a job at the church. I started volunteering there during my last year of college and fell totally in love with teenagers. I began interning with the youth ministry as I worked on completing my Certificate of Youth Ministry. As our ministry grew, the church decided to keep me on as the assistant youth director.

Our youth pastor had been there only about a year longer than me, so we grew together. We experimented with different techniques and programs; we had many success and many more failures those first couple of years. Still, God was working; and with the help our amazing youth team, we soon found our ministry rhythm. Our ministry grew from about 20 core students to more than 60 in four years.

I had battled with these students on every level. I had walked with them through depression, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, sickness, suicide attempts, homosexuality, alcoholic parents, rape and death of loved ones.

I had watched students I loved walk away from the church, and I had seen some of them return and renew their commitment to Christ. I saw victories and growth. I witnessed new relationships with God begin and long-time relationships deepen. I had a front row seat to witness some of the most important moments that ever will happen in the life of a believer.

I saw myself grow during the process, as well, from immature and unsure of myself to a little more mature and confident of my abilities. I learned a million things about my strengths and weaknesses in ministry. I learned about God and how He works in lives and how at every age He always is beckoning us deeper and deeper into relationship with Him. I learned about the power of forgiveness, the power of prayer and mostly about the power of God to transform lives.

I chose to love those students no matter the cost, and it was quite costly at times. News flash: Teenagers are not the easiest people to love, especially when they steal your keys and drive off with your car, toilet paper your house in the middle of the night, throw footballs at your head, duct tape you to chairs, cover you in toothpaste at sleepovers or dump soapy water on you at car washes, resent you for holding them to a higher standard or give you the silent treatment for rebuking them when they are wrong. Still, I loved them deeply; and my reward? The agony I felt when it was time to say goodbye.

Thanks a lot, God. Why does loving people so deeply have to be so painful?  I suppose it’s just an inkling of what Jesus felt on the cross. His love for us cost Him His life. The pain of His goodbye was more than we will ever know.

As I reflect on my experiences of the past four years and the pain I felt when I left, I am confident that my time spent with those students was not in vain. I knew I wouldn’t stay with them forever. God uproots us all the time for His glory, and we must be willing to go.

The passage that kept coming to my mind my last days with my students was 1 Peter 1:22, “Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.”  I made the choice my first few months of working with those students that I was going to love everyone who walked through the doors of our youth room. It was so hard at times to love some of them, but I chose to push through those hard times and keep loving them through their flaws.

Each time I loved through the unlovable moments, I began to see something extraordinary happen in my own heart. My love for them was mysteriously catapulted into another dimension, deeper, stronger, more lasting.

I remember specifically two girls who came into our ministry as 6th graders. They were loud, obnoxious and rude; so naturally they became best friends with each other and antagonized everyone else, especially me. During the course of four years, as they matured in Christ and as I continued loving them through their obnoxious moments, I found myself having a profoundly deep love for those girls that I never could have imagined possible four years earlier. I love the passage from 1 Peter, because it echoes what I found to be happening in my own experience of loving students, after you have sincere love for your brothers…then love deeply.

Once you feel like you love your students, love them more, go deeper with them, pursue their hearts; don’t retreat when relationships get hard. This was the greatest lesson I learned during my first youth ministry job, loving people takes more work than I ever imagined; but loving people the way Jesus intended is exceedingly worth it.

Driving home after my last Wednesday night with my students, I told God how thankful I was to have had the opportunity to be a part their lives for these last few years, and the prayer of my heart that I asked God out loud in my car that night was, “Please Lord, let me work with teenagers for the rest of my life. I can’t imagine doing anything else.”

Marissa completed her Certificate of Youth Ministry at Fuller Theological Seminary in 2005 and currently is working on her master’s in Christian Leadership from Fuller, Colorado. She was on staff at Mesilla Park Community Church in Las Cruces, N.M., as the Assistant Youth Director for four years until August 2009 when she and her husband moved to Colorado Springs so he could attend New Life School of Worship and she could finish her master’s degree. Her husband just accepted a position as youth and worship director at a small church in New Mexico. She will be serving alongside him in youth ministry as of May 2010.