The plans were made, the dates picked. It was supposed to be a new season in the youth ministry as I was the first youth pastor (part-time) they had ever hired. Dotting my “I”s and crossing my “T”s, I thought I had made all the right moves to help our first mission trip be a complete success. A date was picked on the church calendar, and the time set for our kick-off meeting.

The meeting started out well as I presented the material from the organization we were looking at going through, and everyone appeared completely engaged. Then the time came for parents to ask questions. This is where everything quickly unraveled.

One of the very first questions asked, “Who is going to prevent our kids from being shot?” I was stunned. Of all the questions I thought might pop up in the meeting, this one did not appear on my radar.

I never recovered the meeting. The mission trip was called into question and quickly scraped. I was left pondering how such a promising night turned into a complete disaster.

Discovering My Personality
Growing up, I had perfected the art of procrastination. In high school, I always was turning in my work late, waiting to do my homework until the very last moment, sometimes the morning it was due. I rarely arrived anywhere early. If I had to be somewhere at 7 p.m. I planned on arriving at 7 p.m.

Then I discovered the reason I had a tendency to procrastinate. Toward the end of my time in high school, I worked through the Myers Briggs Personality Test. To no surprise, one of my strongest categories was perceiving (P), which I thought was no coincidence this category started with the same letter as procrastination. This type of personality waited until the last minute to make decisions and preferred to be flexible.

By the time I reached college, it had become a habit. It impacted my schoolwork, as well as how I approached work and ministry. What I did not realize was how much this gift (so I thought at the time) was impacting every part of my life and the message it was communicating to others.

Discovering the Curse of P
It did not hit me until years after I had moved on from the church where my dreams of taking the youth on a mission trip crashed and burned. I was sitting down to dinner with a few colleagues when the conversation turned to our respective ministries. I mentioned one of my biggest struggles was working with parents and building trust. It was hard enough establishing a strong rapport with the parents who attended the church; it felt almost impossible to establish strong relationships with the parents of our non-churched youth.

While I heard several wise words of advice, one response stuck out above the rest. I don’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this, “If I tell the parents we are going to be at a place at a certain time, I always get there five minutes early.” I filed away this wisdom as we headed home, but a couple of weeks later in the midst of my ministry this statement shot to the forefront of my mind. It occurred to me I was communicating to the parents a mixed message. The words coming out of my mouth, I thought, spoke of the importance of being responsible and taking care of their youth; my actions were sending a completely different signal.

Instead of establishing a rapport of being responsible, dependable and accountable, I was communicating and establishing a rapport of being unreliable and disorganized. It was not uncommon for me to arrive after the scheduled home arrival time, and often I would show up to the Christian Board of Education/Deacons meetings just as the meeting was ready or just after it started. This was communicating the message that I did not value their (parents and board leaders) time and thought what they were doing was unimportant.

My ability to go with the flow, turn in money and pass out information at the last moment, and find sponsors only after I knew how many youth were going had created a systemic problem. My personality, who I am, was communicating a negative message. I quickly was discovering parents are like senior pastors. They do not like to be surprised!

Finding a Balance with a P Personality
I had doomed the mission trip before we started organizing it. It wasn’t the lack of planning or the youth mission trip organization I had chosen to go through that was the problem. The returning home late and getting out of youth group late had communicated the message that I cannot be counted on to take their children out of state and keep them safe. Always letting youth sign up after the deadline, which led to finding extra adult volunteers at the last minute was not communicating the message that I want as many people to go as possible and that I realize issues come up that might prevent someone from signing up on time. It was communicating a message of the ministry being unplanned and poorly organized. This was the problem. It did not matter if I had done my homework for the mission trip. My rapport already was established by my actions leading up to the events.

Upon first coming to this realization, I wanted to throw up my hands, play the role of the victim and say, “This is not fair! How can I change who I am?” After all, I had read several youth ministry resources about the importance of being yourself and not trying to mimic someone else.

Spending time reflecting on my past seven years serving in youth ministry, I knew this was a chronic problem, especially with the parents who did not attend church. Either I could continue to let this inhibit my ministry, or I could change.

I wish I could say it’s as easy as flipping a switch, but it’s not. There are days when I continue to procrastinate. However, I have learned along the way that I do not have to give up being a P just to be successful in youth ministry and build trust with parents.

In fact, gaining attributes of a J type personality has allowed my P personality to shine in some ways. Having messages planned ahead of time and knowing the exact schedule has allowed me to pull in more great ideas to make a message more applicable–ideas I never would have thought about before because there simply wasn’t time as I often was forming my messages at the last minute. Planning my message early kept it in the back of my mind so in the week leading up to the message I might experience something, see a news headline or have a conversation with a youth that strengthened the point I wanted to get across in my message. Then I could unleash my spontaneity and flexibility as I tied the idea into my message.

Another example was deadlines. Sticking to sign-up deadlines allowed my mentality to shift from looking for more adult sponsors to how I can make events the best possible experiences so when the youth return home, they are excited to tell their friends about how they discovered their own identity and experienced the love of God, as well. So maybe some of those youth I missed that time because they missed the deadline would be some of the first youth to sign up next time.

I still cringe periodically when I say it, but maybe there is something to a J-type personality that is necessary for a P-type personality to fully thrive, opening new doors for our flexibility and creativity to operate.