I can tell you the exact day I walked out: I had returned from a college retreat and had reached my limit. I wasn’t just burned out, but was frustrated with so many things within the church. At that time in my life, I was serving within a denomination that was struggling with theological issues on a national level. It felt as though every sermon and conversation was centered on our differences instead of how Jesus calls us to live. Because of this, I began the process of breaking myself off from the faith community that raised me. Sure, I was still a Christian. I thought Jesus was great, but His people were so unappealing. I knew what they stood for, but I wasn’t sure how I fit in with them. It wasn’t just my church that had lost focus, though. I started to feel as if it was a reflection of the church at large. My way of dealing with this was to walk away. I wanted to run as far away as I could. So I did. Phone calls went straight to voicemail, and texts were left unanswered. For eight months, I put my Bible on a table where it sat for so long that the back part of it became one with the surface. I am now reminded of that season every time I turn it over and notice the leather that’s missing.

It’s years later, and now I—as many of us who do ministry with students—know someone who has walked away just as I did. Maybe they didn’t walk away forever, but they distanced themselves for an extended period of time. They are not just the fringe students. They are the ones you love and in whom you have invested. Maybe they are fickle, or their friends stop coming. Or they get their license and just decide church was a season for them. Then sometimes we fail to separate them from the ones who leave due to heart issues.

Heart issues are tough. Their struggles have so much depth, and it takes time to process. Maybe they’ve lost a parent or someone significant in their lives and struggle to process those experiences. Maybe they suffer from depression or anxiety and don’t know how that fits into their faith. Maybe they’re angry because of how circumstances have turned out in their life (e.g., sickness, divorce, big changes). Or maybe they struggle with doubt and are sorting through what they believe as I was doing.

There were a lot of people who ministered to me well in this time. They knew that if approached in the wrong way, it could push me further away. There were also people who did just that. They would accuse me of walking away from Christ and tell me all of the reasons I was wrong. Every conversation seemed as though it were soaked in judgment. This made my ability to process so difficult. There were times when I wanted to come back but didn’t know how. It was my faith community who loved me in this time that helped me get back to where I knew I wanted to be.

I think sometimes it feels as if we may have lost them forever, but I believe there are ways we can minister effectively to those who leave:

Be Present
We tend to have such a hard time watching students go through the things they do, and it’s harder to watch them try to go through it alone. While we can’t fix them—and I swear, sometimes we try—we can show up and be present. They may feel as if where they are is a mess, and they don’t want to expose you to their doubts and frustrations. The bravest thing we can do with our students is be available for them no matter what when they are asking the tough questions and being…well…difficult. We should be able to handle this season of their lives.

Approach with Caution
To try and approach them from a place of frustration or impatience only pushes them further away. Students don’t want to feel as if they are being attacked for their decision to distance. They may view this as pestering, though you have the best of intentions. They need gentle invitations instead. The father let the prodigal son go and welcomed him with open arms when he was ready to return. Our students need the same patience and grace.

More than a Number
When I walked away, I needed to know I was not just a number. While I was no longer in the youth group, I needed to know I was being pursued because they loved me for who I was—with or without the church. I needed to know my friends and mentors were invested in me whether I showed up on Sunday. That’s sometimes really hard for us to do, because our jobs are to minister regardless of where they are. Sometimes ministry means meeting them in the messiest places of their lives and climbing in the pit with them while they work it out at their own pace. They need to know we want to grab coffee without an ulterior motive of getting them back through the doors of the church.

Let Them Vent
I just wanted someone to hear my questions and allow me to feel slightly justified in my frustrations. I wanted to ask tough questions, and I didn’t want to hear a lot of Christianese to cover for how the church was behaving. It gets uncomfortable when students express their doubts, especially about the core truths we feel they need to believe. Our reactions are to become defensive instead of listening with open ears and hearts. Students need to feel safe asking tough questions and trust they will receive authentic answers from someone who’s willing to listen to them and hear their arguments and concerns.

Pray Your Heart Out
I’ve had a lot of students walk away in the same way I did. I have pursued students in the darkest moments of their lives, only to receive no response and a slight shove. Some return, and some I still wait on to return. I have tried it all, just as the many who cared and reached out to me. At the end of the day, the best thing I can do is pray for them. Pray for the process, and pray that as they work things out they are able to make their way back. It’s so important for us to remember that where they land does not depend on us but on them and their relationship with Jesus.

It’s out of Your Control
I’ve been guilty of taking it personally. If we’re being honest, sometimes we want to take the blame for the ones who walk away. We think it’s our fault, and we should have chased after them harder. I think we constantly need a reminder to stand there and wait, to know when to be silent and when to step in, to wait patiently for when the person who doesn’t want you there today may need you tomorrow. Rejection hurts, but it’s not personal.

Don’t Change Your Ministry
Sometimes when students leave, we think it’s us and that if we change, they will want to come back. We see programs constantly being rebranding in attempts to capture lost attention. I don’t think our responses should be to change the character of our ministries to match where students are. Students are seeking authenticity. Their whole world constantly is changing, and it’s important that the church doesn’t always feel the need to conform. While it is important to freshen up how we do things from time to time, we don’t need to change with culture.

Though I returned to the church, it took my faith community a period of time of practicing these things well while I wrestled with my frustrations. There’s always a part of me that remembers that season so long ago when I wanted to walk alone for a while. It’s a dark and lonely place. I never would advise one to go there and camp out for longer than a day. If not careful, it can be a dangerous place.

It is easy for seasoned Christians to want to package everything in one sentence with a bow on top. However, that is not how our students’ hearts work. We don’t always have the prettiest solutions. Our jobs are to discern, be patient, listen and pray.

I was not the first person to walk away from the church, but it was my faith community who loved me and never gave up on me in this season. They helped bring me back, and they did it most importantly with patience and persistence. I knew they would love me wherever I decided to land. They loved me well, gave me space, and were there with open arms the day I came back.

Kaitlin Kavanaugh is the director of middle school ministries at Isle of Hope UMC in Savannah, Georgia. She has been in youth ministry for eight years and loves teaching students about the joy of Jesus. She thinks her middle schoolers are some of the wisest people she has ever met and enjoys playing music, blogging (KaitlinKavImpressions.com) and pretending to work out.