Not all of our parents are antagonists. I mean, we all know those parents to whom we continually and consistently have to answer, who call us, who are upset with us, who seem never to be satisfied. This continual need to give our attention to them makes them thorns in our flesh, and folks who constantly make ministry more difficult and even unpleasant.
It’s a little more than that for me, though.
At our church, we recently had new leadership for our finance committee. This happens every two years; and every two years, it is a tremendous concern for me. In the years when the director of our finance committee is a parent, I have smooth sailing and never am questioned about my spending. However, in the years when the director is someone who doesn’t have a stake in the youth group, it seems as if every receipt and expense is examined and scrutinized, and there seems to be little trust or faith in me or the youth ministry.
After two decades at my church, there are still parishioners who deflate my spirit, who discourage my passion for teenagers and make me want to quit. In his book Antagonists in the Church1, Ken Haugk says, “antagonism is a reality. It leaves in its wake broken lives and people who are hurt, discouraged and apathetic toward new life in Christ. Antagonism is a real phenomenon…” Duffy Robbins helps us refine antagonism in our lives by saying, “Is a student, parent, parishioner or board member making your ministry life miserable? If the answer’s no, don’t worry—either it’s happened to you before or it’ll happen to you in the future! As we all probably know by now, the problem with running from problem people is that we can’t. They’re omnipresent.”2
Antagonists are part of ministry. We can’t run from them. Thus, we need to recognize who our antagonists are and learn how we can deal with them.
Learning from Antagonists
When I was first hired at my church, I decided to grow a goatee. Because our church is very conservative, a few folks felt that a young youth pastor in charge of the lives of teenagers should not have a goatee. This of course all emerged only after I decided to grow one. During a group meeting with parents one Sunday, instead of talking about the Sunday School curriculum or my vision to start multiple summer mission trips, some of the church leaders and parents publicly asked me to shave my goatee. If that had been the end of it, it would have been fine; but being a new hire at our church, my goatee seemed to be blasphemy to them. Moreover, it became a source for some to question my maturity as a pastor. It was ridiculous. That Christmas, a parent bought me an electric razor.
Looking back now, I have come to realize the experience taught me some important things. I learned I am serving in an ultra-conservative church. I learned about the cultural context of serving at my church, which has many people of Korean heritage who believe facial hair is something grown by those who are much older and is a sign of sage maturity. In reality, these two things taught me something about how I would survive 20 years at my present church.
Among a gathering of youth pastors who meet regularly is a new arrival, who has been at his church for a few months. He shared with me how difficult his first year has been because his youth ministry culture and parents believe in Sunday-only gatherings. When he slowly started trying to implement gatherings outside of Sundays, he was met with criticism, anger and rejection. Some of the stories of resistance to any of his ideas or attempts for gatherings (e.g., bowling, movie night) outside of Sunday were so ludicrous, and it was scary to see leaders and parents holding onto this sacred cow. Yet, I encouraged him to see what he could learn from this, to consider what he is learning about his church context and sacred cows, to strategize how or what he can do differently for the present and future. Antagonists can be ridiculous, but we can learn from them.
I’ve learned that when difficult people cause pain, heartache and feelings of wanting to quit, it has reaffirmed the important truth in my theology that I don’t change people, God does. Moreover, it has driven me to trust and pray, and seek Christ for the source of strength and hope for our teenagers. It is amazing how easy it is to forget that. Similarly, it is amazing how liberating it is to trust in God in this way. God has given us an amazing influence in the lives of young people. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12 the thorn in his side was to keep him from being conceited. I am thankful in this way that antagonists keep me in line with God, to trust Him and His grace for our ministry.
How Do We Manage Antagonists?
In The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Mitty offers one (totally inappropriate) way to deal with antagonists. Many of his secret fantasies for dealing with his antagonists amid the takeover of Life magazine would be great options, if they were possible. I have found more grace-centered ways to deal with antagonists:
2. Accept It: Look, we’re leading; and when we lead, not everyone is going to love our decisions. Not everyone will love you. That being true, you can expect there always will be people—parents, other leaders, your pastor—who don’t get you, who don’t like you, and who will work against you. It’s normal. There always will be people who are difficult.
3. Consult: Simply find people to whom you can talk. Seek out wisdom that you don’t have, and find ways to apply it. For me, I usually talk with my senior pastor. It’s a proactive way of letting others know something happening. Don’t just share to spread gossip; share so you really can understand how to deal effectively with your antagonist.
4. Deal with It: Giving an antagonist a long leash is a very bad idea. If there is a church leader, church member, parent or student who is an antagonist, it often can grow into nasty gossip or rumors, or cause division in your ministry. Matthew 18:15-17 often is used as a passage to confront sinners who need to repent. I like using the same method for how I speak to an antagonist. I go to them personally as a first step. If the situation is still difficult, I will try to talk to the difficult person with a youth ministry colleague such as another parent or volunteer. Ultimately, if it is not working, I will invite a few church leaders or my senior pastor to have a group conversation to try to resolve the issue.
5. Prepare for the Next: Duffy Robbins noted one veteran youth worker who said, “There’s always going to be somebody in a church who just rubs you the wrong way. Let’s call him Tom Smith. No matter what you do, Tom’s there giving you a hard time. So you say, ‘I’m sick of Tom Smith! I’m leaving!’ Then you breathe a sigh of relief, and go to Church B…and guess what? Standing before you is Tom’s brother, Tim; and he’s just as much of a pain. You’ll never find a church in which every single person agrees with or likes you. It just won’t happen.” You cannot flee antagonists; but once you deal with one, you’ll likely uncover another one soon. There will be more waiting at the next place.
Are those the most revolutionary ideas for dealing with antagonists? Maybe not, but maybe that’s the point. It doesn’t take the latest app or newest ministry philosophy to manage antagonists. Facing them is simple, and it’s biblical. The difficult part actually is confronting them in love, seeking resolution and moving forward.
Danny Kwon has been leading the youth and family ministry at his church for the past 20 years. He’s also a speaker/trainer for The Youth Cartel and completed his Ph.D. on the topic of innovation in the local church. His book, A Youth Worker’s Field Guide to Parents: Understanding Parents of Teenagers, came out earlier this year. He loves sports, eating and making people laugh. His wife, Monica, is a family and marriage counselor and professor. Together they are the parents/youth pastors of their three teenagers.
1 Haugk, Kenneth C. Antagonists in the Church: How to Identify and Deal with Destructive Conflict. Minneapolis: Augsburg Pub. House, 1988, p. 19.
2 Robbins, Duffy. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” YouthWorker (2009). Should I Stay or Should I Go? YouthWorker.com.
3 Ibid.
