Almost 20 years ago, I asked teens to send me a list of the five greatest pressures they face. One of the kids who responded was Sarah, a 16-year-old only child from New York. Her list was representative of the other lists I received. I’ve been reading and re-reading her list for years; it serves as a constant reminder of the stress faced by kids in today’s youth culture.
As number one, she listed the pressure for “looks.” Like most girls her age, she was preoccupied with her appearance and whether or not her changing body measured up to the prevailing cultural standards. She was consumed with self-conscious worry about her hair, makeup, shape, complexion and clothes. Next, she listed “grades for getting into the right college.” Third was “drinking”; “sex” and “popularity” were fourth and fifth.
Sarah’s list was helpful, but the real eye-opener was the extra unsolicited information she included in her e-mail: “Walt, I know you didn’t ask for this on your survey, but I suffer from a combination of the eating disorders anorexia and bulimia. It is very hard to recover from these devastations, caused largely by the pressure to be thin and to be perfect. I hope that I have helped.”
Sarah and I began to trade e-mails. I wanted to find out what was, and wasn’t, going on in her life. She was another face of the stress I had seen mounting in kids’ lives for years. She told me of her stress, her pressures, her anorexia. She explained the dynamics of her relationship with her parents and how they added strain to her life through their expectations of her, their marital problems and their inaccessibility.
I have met many Sarahs through the years. Although their stories differ in terms of the places, dates, details and depth of problems, there are common threads. Each is an adolescent dealing with the normal changes of growing up. That’s stressful enough. On top of that, each is confused and frustrated by challenging circumstances that come with living in a changing world, where relational brokenness runs far too deep and wide. Many of them cope and are remarkably resilient. Others struggle to survive. Some self-destruct.
Teenagers in Crisis
I heard Dr. David Elkind speak at the National Youth Workers Convention in 1987. He spoke about what he had written in his still-relevant and timely book, All Grown Up and No Place to Go: Teenagers in Crisis. Elkind told us what our teenagers need is a time to grow. That hasn’t changed. He said what we were giving teens as a result of our adult self-absorption and family breakdown was a premature adulthood. We were pushing our kids to move out of childhood way too soon. We were pushing them to the brink.
What Our Kids Face
According to data from the National College Health Assessment, 37 percent of college students say they’ve felt so depressed during the last year that it was difficult to function. Ninety-two percent of college counseling directors report the number of students with severe psychological problems has increased in recent years. Four out of 10 college students say they endure stress often, and one in five says he/she deals with it most of the time.
Because stress is a very real part of their lives, what can we do in and through our ministries to remove and remedy the stress?
Identify the Stressors
First, we need to speak prophetically to parents. It’s a sad irony that those who should be our kids’ first line of defense against stress are too often the first and deepest source of stress in young lives. In his book The Ties that Stress, David Elkind described how the postmodern family, with all of its breakdown and permutations, rapidly has become a primary stressor of children and teens.
In addition to the stress brought on by family brokenness, kids also are being raised by parents (many in intact Christian families) who exert direct, stress-causing pressure. In my conversations with kids, the source of that stress typically falls within three categories. There’s the appearance pressure parents put on their kids when they actively and passively expect them to fit into the culturally defined model of body shapes, weights, complexions, etc. Don’t ever underestimate its presence and power. There’s the academic pressure put on kids to achieve, some at levels beyond their capabilities and gifts. Finally, there’s the athletic pressure that has permeated our culture, in which kids are pushed in ways that make them burnout, crumble or even despise Mom and Dad.
While we walk on dangerous ground when we use our youth ministry platforms to tell parents how to parent, we never should be afraid to speak up with tact and diplomacy, warning them by sharing the facts about the difficult realities that are causing stress in so many young lives.
Teach Grace
Second, we should avoid stressing out kids with a faulty understanding of the Christian faith. Through the years, I’ve met far too many people who have been raised in “biblical” churches with an anti-biblical understanding, and graceless faith, that has them constantly looking over their shoulders in anticipation of getting hammered by God for their failures.
What are you teaching your kids about living under the reign and rule of Christ? Who is the God you communicate through your words, expectations and own lifestyle? This is where we must realize biblical and theological studies are not optional, but required, for those who minister to youth. Your life and ministry should bear witness to the God who is, not some imbalanced God of our own making. If the fear of failing God is stressing out your kids, directly address the reality through a correct understanding of His grace, mercy, holiness and justice.
Promote Peace
Finally, give kids a place to decompress. Jesus invited those who were burdened, heavy-laden and weary to come to Him for rest. Invite them into a conversation to foster understanding and experience of the “peace that passes all understanding” that is theirs in Christ as they take their anxious hearts to Him (
In addition, their youth group experience should not be all about busyness and activity. Rather, it should be a place to experience peace and rest. Give them opportunities to spend lengthy amounts of time in conversation with you and other adults by giving them a chance to talk about life and blow off steam. Invite them into the quiet of God’s presence by lowering the noise—both the literal and the figurative—that tends to characterize so many of our youth ministry efforts. Lead them to listen to God through your teaching and as they meditate on His Word. Silence is golden, and our kids crave it.
Still Seeing Stressed-Out Sarah
I don’t know what’s happened to Sarah. She and I lost touch with each other. Still, I run into her much too often … and I wish it would stop.
