As a youth worker for the past twenty-five years I feel like I’ve seen it all. Well, almost.

And what I haven’t seen I’ve experienced first hand as the son of two youth workers. The saddest thing I have noticed in my years in the Youth Ministry world is that the kids of those in ministry end up going in two divergent directions: Either they pursue Jesus with all of their might, bringing heaven everywhere they go, OR they reject the Church and end up raising hell everywhere they go.

We know as youth workers, and some of us as parents ourselves, that we are in the fortunate and misfortunate position of being the number one influence in the lives of our children.

Parenting matters. Young adults head into the world either well equipped because of their parents’ awesome influence or desperately trying to overcome their childhood.

As we have ministered to students whose parents are in ministry, we’ve heard them verbalize the same struggles over and over again. Here are some thing’s I’ve learned from my own life, and from hearing the pain of other kids whose parents are in ministry:

Involve them in the ministry 

Recently I was talking with a preachers kid and she expressed to me that she hated the Church. Below the surface I could see her bitterness stemming from the fact that it was the church that took her father away from her and their family. And she didn’t understand the calling on her dad’s life because she was never included in it. She wasn’t a part of the prayer times and the planning and the aching over struggling students. Ministry was just a job that brought stress to her father and made him an absentee dad. Like stagnant, disconnected parishioners who sit in the pews uninvolved, just watching, she just didn’t see the point. She only saw the pain and felt the disconnection.

By the way, this is not an easy endeavor, especially if you have several little ones. However, from the time our daughter was tiny she would come to school campuses with me or meet with me and a couple of students or tag along with us on a retreat. We knew we were the best example of a healthy family that many of our students would ever see. Our daughter grew up loving the church and became wide open to God and his calling.

The biggest impact has been what we have done as a family in our prayer times together. We have never moved to a new position without including our daughter in the prayer process, seeking God on our knees together and we habitually, directly after dinner, do a prayer walk. And the payoff, besides bringing me personal peace and strength? We have seen miraculous answers to prayer and confirmation from God as a family. But also God has been faithful in speaking to our daughters heart. She has never been too young to see God’s Kingdom purposes.

Never verbalize frustration of work at home

Ministry can be heartache at times. I know of so many who have been injured by the occasional unsafe work environment of ministry. I never wanted my family to become embittered towards those in ministry. I want them to love the Church. If you want your children to hate God’s people, then bring home your frustration and verbalize your stress. I have failed in this area at times, but what has saved us is that I found a safe place to get help and share all of the junk. I highly recommend a professional counselor or someone that is not connected to you or the church emotionally and can give you true perspective. It’s a life, family, marriage, ministry saver.

Keep your marriage first

Generally, if my wife and I are doing good, the family is doing good. I learned this by watching my parents, both full time in ministry, go out for their Friday date night my whole life. To this day I can’t remember them missing it. They developed the habit 50 years ago, it is sacred and it’s theirs, without fail.

I remember one evening being a Jr High boy and talking back to my mom. I know, its surprising, me being such a good lad and all. But all of a sudden I heard my father running fast through the house towards the kitchen where I was standing with my mother. My dad strode into the room, looked at me with those intense eyes of his, and said, “No one talks to my bride like that!” I knew right away I could die within seconds if I didn’t respond with a humble apology. What I knew from that event is that my mom was a priority to my dad. They worked their tails off to keep their love alive and I loved how they loved each other. This, in my eyes, always brought legitimacy to their faith and to them as God’s people.

Pastor at work AND at home

I remember when my wife came in and told me that her eggo was prego (sorry, had to). And of course it would totally change our lives forever. When our daughter was born I had the realization that I really didn’t know how to be a dad. This was a whole new world to me. One day I was out walking my daughter around the neighborhood in our very cool jogging stroller and it just hit me. I had been a youth pastor for a few years at this point and I knew how to do that. I thought, “I could be a youth pastor at home too.” You know, I’d plan activities that would bring us closer to each other. I’d organize family retreats and mission trips that would cause us to become aware of God’s heart for the world. I would treat my family like my leaders who were called to journey life with me, declaring the goodness of God with our lives to everyone we knew. I may not have known how to be a dad, but I could shepherd my family like a really good youth pastor.

What I’ve noticed is that many of us in ministry forget that the most important ministry is our family. I asked my dad one day how he managed to come home and be on mission, intentionally loving us the way he did. He said that most days he’d have to pull the car over and ask the Holy Spirt to enable him to come home and be used by God for his family.

This is nothing new for people in ministry. Heck, I do that every time I speak or minister to kids, but I wasn’t doing that before I walked in the door at home. Children of ministers often see a radical disconnect between how their parents behave outside the home and inside the home. May that not be true of us!

Admit your own sin when disciplining your children

I remember being a young married guy and sheepishly confessing my sin to my mentor. To my great surprise he dropped to his knees and said, “Brock, me too. Let’s pray for each other. I desperately need Jesus as well!” I walked away being profoundly shaken and forever challenged. I guess I thought that as you get older you need Jesus less. Where did I get this ridiculous and unbiblical idea?

From then on I ministered differently and, when I became a parent, I included this “me too” philosophy into my parenting. So when we caught our daughter lying, I would never look at her and say how disappointed I was in her. Instead I would include this language into the process of disciplining her saying, “Me too, I have lied too, I need Jesus as well. Let’s pray together that God would work in our hearts.”

I have also had to realize that anger is rarely the correct response to most things a kid does. I have had to swallow my pride many times and apologize for the sharp tone of my voice over something as innocent as spilled milk. I am eternally grateful that I do not have the power to smite people, because I would probably be living in such regret right about now. Saying I am sorry and admitting that I’m a sinner to my daughter, has reflected my own need for forgiveness and the power of God’s grace in my life back to her.

Be careful of the pressure principle

I’ve been amazed at the pressure kids whose parents are in ministry feel. Much of it comes from the church people themselves, some from their parents, and it becomes this invisible thing that just hangs over them like low cloud. Barna research says that 28% of pastors kids feel overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations.[i] They know they constantly need to perform so that mom and dad look good and even though there was a huge argument in the car on the way to church, they still have to act like everything is great!

I truly believe that the essence of ministry and parenting is to create environments where students can experience the warmth of God. That God not only loves them, but he likes them, and they get this sense of God through us. We love them, we like them, we create the warm grace filled environments in which our kids grow, mess up, struggle, and thrive.

Join God in the heavy lifting

Psalm 3:3 tells us that God is the lifter of our heads. He makes us aware of himself, helping get our eyes off of ourselves and onto others. As parents we have the honor of joining God in lifting our children’s heads, helping them to have perspective. We carry the vision of who God is and who they really are.

I don’t know how your children see themselves, God, and others. I, fortunately, had parents who joined God in lifting my head. They created warm environments and were on mission as parents. I have taken this principle to heart over the years.

One evening after youth group my mom came up to me (I was a kid) and said, “I saw you during the worship time at youth group tonight.” I thought, “Oh no!” I was that kid in the back row goofing off, making fart noises, and distracting an entire section of students. But then she said, “Brock, when you worship, it’s just so beautiful. When you sing to the Lord, I can tell how much you love him.” Whaaat? She went on, “When you worship, it so encourages me.”

I walked away thinking my mom must have been on something. But the funny thing is, my mom’s words gave me vision. They lifted my head. I found out years later that she had been praying that God would give her eyes to see my true heart. It’s just so crazy because her words completely tricked me. The following week at youth group, the vision she had cast just haunted me. I found that for the first time I was looking at the lyrics. I started to authentically sing these prayers to God. Months later I discovered that I was falling in love with Jesus.

Raising children is no easy task. It’s complex, dynamic, and requires a lifetime of investment. But God wants to give you insight into your children. God wants to inspire you to be creative, thoughtful, and intentional parents. And God is already using you in spectacular ways.

[i] (http://www.relevantchildrensministry.com/2014/02/katy-perrywhy-pastors-kids-go-awry.html).