Family Influence
In American society, the perception that youth are self-reliant and resilient enough to use their leisure time wisely and have the coping skills to deal with their particular home situation (i.e, single-parent, blended family, raised by grandparents, etc.) all by themselves is ill-conceived.The notion that kids can raise themselves carries unfortunate outcomes for youth, their families and the communities in which they live. Because our current society values busyness more than opportunities for quality family time, the church and other youth-serving institutions accept superficial means of bringing families together: “In recent years, these changes have led to artificial means of bringing children and adults together, such as Take Your Daughter to Work Day; or in Christian contexts, children’s sermons and youth Sundays.” This attitude is embedded within our culture, and it places more attention on the individual student rather than the influences and the involvement of his or her family.
Until recently, most youth workers thought the main influential factor within adolescent lives were their peers. Although peer relationships are a prominent aspect of teenage life, research has shown that parents and families remain the number one influence for teens. In fact, the National Study of Youth and Religion found that the majority of religious teens model their parent’s religious lives, including worship preferences and the value placed on church attendance. In other words, teens are much more conservative and conventional in regard to spiritual formation than we thought. This shouldn’t be seen as a negative. In fact, this is a good thing for youth workers, because it provides us with an earmark within our youth programming; for we are able to observe where youth are in their faith through the faith journeys of their parents. Our job, then, is to help youth find a faith of their own as they shed their parent’s faith and begin to hear God’s calling in their lives. This begs the question, “How are we engaging parents in our youth ministries?”
Collaboration
One of the most important things we can do for parents and families is reveal their teenager’s talents. Within the life of a busy family, a parent easily can overlook how his or her teenager is seen by peers, teachers, coaches and other adults. As youth workers, we can help them see how friends, other parents and youth counselors within the church view their sons and daughters. We do that by affirming their talents, or as Peter Benson of the Search Institute calls them sparks: “A spark is something inside your teenager that gets him or her excited. It’s something that makes your teenager want to jump out of bed in the morning. Spark is the thing that gives teenagers (and all people) meaning,” but sometimes youth just don’t talk about it.
Many youth workers are familiar with youth affirmation approaches used at retreats and on mission trips. This usually is done by writing down positive, life-affirming comments about all group members and placing them in their respective envelopes or boxes. At the end of the event, participants receive their envelopes and discuss these affirmations in a small-group setting. What if we took that same approach to our parent meetings in order to show the various sparks of the youth group? I realize some youth workers feel that parent meetings are a waste of time, but I believe they can be valuable points of reference for parents, youth and youth workers, especially when a youth worker is making an attempt toward collaborating with parents and families.
A parent meeting with the intention of collaboration reflects the biblical mandate from the apostle Paul when he said, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (
The design of such parent meetings would revolve around activities and program components that match parents, youth and youth counselors in teams or groups that could work together. Of course, information about upcoming events and other activities would be shared by the group at large, but communicating annual youth events is not the central aim of the parent meeting. The main goal of the parent meeting is to cast youth in a different light than their parents are used to seeing at home. I designed one parent meeting in particular around the game “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” My youth intern and I formed teams of five to seven people consisting of youth, counselors and parents; each team had an opportunity to answer questions. All of the fun things, such as lifelines—we called our pastor—and audience suggestions were included. After the game, each team shared with one another the contributions they each brought to the team and the game. This then moved the discussion toward what things youth liked about playing the game. I also have included pumpkin-carving contests and Christmas tree-dressing and caroling contests in parent meetings among other holiday and seasonal themes—activities that included the creative and artistic sparks of youth.
Again, it takes much prayer and patience to develop a ministry to families with youth; but in the long run, youth workers will come to appreciate the guidance and resources parents can share with youth and the larger church family. Most importantly, a productive youth worker will view this as collaboration rather than competition with parents and families. Youth workers must remember that the more sparks we can demonstrate to parents; the better the chance they will be able to support their sons’ and daughters’ passions and dreams to further the Kingdom of God.
