Somehow we often feel guilty when we like one student more than another. Or we feel the need to defend ourselves when we spend more time with one of our small group members than we do with the others. But should we feel guilty? Is it wrong to play favorites in youth ministry?

Not really.

It’s unrealistic to want to spend the exact same amount of time with all our teens, even if we’re a small group leader. Some students simply need more guidance, for instance because of pastoral issues. Some teens may not want to spend much time with us because of various reasons. And there’s also the ‘click-factor’.

It’s natural to have more of a natural connection with some youth than with others. We find ourselves drawn to students that remind us of ourselves for example, or teens who face similar issues we have dealt with in the past. Sometimes we simply have a click with a young person, or we are in a unique position to help or counsel one of our teens. And that is fine, as long as we have clear goals in doing so—and respect healthy boundaries.

Let’s not forget that out of a crowd of followers, Jesus chose 72 to send out to do mission. But out of those 72, he chose 12 disciples he wanted to invest more time with. And even then he ‘favorited’ Peter, John and James, and spent even more time with them.

Playing favorites, then, is not necessarily wrong.

It’s okay to play favorites in youth ministry when:

• You realize your ‘favorites’ have specific issues you can help with
• You see certain talents or gifts (like leadership) that you want to invest in
• You see they need extra time and attention, for instance because they lack that at home
• You want to invest extra time in one or two students to disciple them
• You are open and accountable about it and have the parents’ permission
• You’ve prayed about it and are sure God’s on board as well
• You don’t just pick the popular or gifted students to spend extra time with
• Your other leaders and volunteers are doing the same with other students
• You make sure every student is still seen and heard

It is wrong to play favorites in youth ministry when:

• You spend so much time with your favorite students that you don’t have time for anyone else
• Your relationship with your favorites becomes exclusive to the point where you’re actively shutting others out
• You spend time with certain students to avoid other responsibilities or to avoid being home
• Your motive for spending time with them is anything else than pastoral care, evangelism, or discipleship
• You only choose to spend time with the most popular students to appear cool and gain acceptance
• You ignore others who need your time and attention
• You have the urge to keep it a secret or feel there’s anything you need to hide
• You give preferential treatment to you favorites in a way that excludes or hurts other students

In itself, there’s nothing wrong with spending more time with certain teens than with others in your ministry—as long as your motives are pure and every teen is seen and heard.