This issue, our culture guru gives us a preview of his brand new book: The Space Between: A Parent’s Guide to Teenage Development (Youth Specialties/Zondervan).

What’s Happening to My Kid?
The popular daily comic strip Zits offers a hilarious, all-too-true peek into the lives of an angst-ridden adolescent named Jeremy Duncan, his frustrated and clueless parents, and his interesting group of teenage friends. Not a day goes by without Jeremy offering insight into the tumultuous, change-filled teenage years. Not a day goes by without his bewildered parents looking at each other in confusion, as if to say, “What’s happening to our boy?” (Sometimes I imagine the comic strip’s creators, Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman, have been living in my house!)

As the parent of four, I’ve been there—many times. Parenting teenagers is an important, often joyful journey; but it’s not always easy. When you combine raising kids who are confused and sometimes frustrated by the changes going on inside of them (and outside of them) with the normal pressures of our adult lives, it leaves us equally confused and frustrated. Now that I’m on the tail end of it, with just one high schooler left in the house, I can look back and see that just when I was ready to accuse my kids of being clueless, I came face-to-face with the fact that I often had to deal with my own cluelessness.

Some parents dread the teenage years. A father once said to me, “I really love kids, until they’re 12. After that, I can’t stand them.” There was a kernel of truth in this dad’s tongue-in-cheek remark as he anticipated his oldest child’s 13th birthday. He knew from watching news reports, hearing anecdotal evidence and observing others raise their kids through the teenage years that there was a good chance life was going to be changing at his house. He was viewing adolescence as something to survive, rather than seeing it as a God-given opportunity to depend on God for guidance and wisdom that not only would help him point his kids to the cross and spiritual maturity, but take him there, as well.

Looking on the Bright Side
What comes to mind when you hear the words “teenager” and “parenting” in the same sentence? Through the years, I’ve kept a mental record of parents’  responses to this question, and they can be summed up with these words: Fear, confusion, frustration, misunderstanding and help. What is it about parenting teenagers that causes parents to choose negative words to describe our experiences and feelings? Why aren’t we more positive?

Well, let’s face it: Getting kids through the change-filled teenage years can be pretty scary when compared to seeing them through their childhood years. In addition, teenagers can be very bewildering. One day you’re holding your cute little baby in your arms as he coos, cuddles and looks lovingly into your eyes (I did that, too.); before you know it, a major metamorphosis takes place, and suddenly you’re reminding your teenager to “Look at me while I’m talking to you!” (I also did that.)

As a father I know likened this transition to the tale of the wolfman. He perceived his easygoing son had passed through childhood then simply transformed into a monster one day. Yes, the unexpected changes that come with adolescence often are shocking, and you may find yourself wondering what’s going on. It doesn’t take long for bewilderment and confusion to lead to frustration.

During childhood your children were fairly predictable. Your parental instincts allowed you to know with some degree of certainty how your kids would respond and react to your comments, direction and discipline. You more or less knew what would make them happy and sad. When I was a little boy, my father had a masterful ability to turn my tears and anger into smiles and laughter with a few funny comments or even the dare, “Now, don’t you smile!” I was once able to do the same thing with my own kids. Then they entered adolescence, and I began to wonder, “What can I do to get through to these kids?” This same frustration prompted my mother’s occasional threats to send me to military school if I didn’t shape up. (My own kids would tell you I’ve pulled that threat out of my bag of lame parenting tricks on more than one occasion.) Eventually, the confusion and frustration cause some parents to throw up their hands and say, “Would someone please help me understand my teenager?” or “I can’t wait for this to pass!” as if the teenage years are a kidney stone.

‘Normal’ Adolescence?
In the early 20th century, adolescent studies pioneer G. Stanley Hall described adolescence as a period of “storm and stress.” Perhaps this is why Sigmund Freud once suggested adolescence is a temporary mental illness and his daughter, Anna Freud, added, “To be normal during the adolescent period is by itself abnormal.” (Can you imagine what it must’ve been like growing up in the Freud household?)

Anne Lamott, one of my favorite writers, relates with humorous, brutal honesty her experience raising her teenage son, Sam: I thought that there would be a little more downtime. That’s a good one. I believed that at some point rather early on, a quiet confidence would inform me, and it did sometimes. But I was stunned by how afraid I felt all the time, too. My friend Ethan says that being a parent means you go through life with the invisible muzzle of a gun held to your head. You may have the greatest joy you ever dreamed of, but you will never again draw an untroubled breath.

Even though my vocational calling and parenting have kept me around teenagers for more than three decades, I’m still working hard to understand them. During all the years I spent working with and observing teens before I became a father, I naively thought I understood them rather well. After all, I was a qualified and professional youth worker. Not only that, but kids didn’t run away when they saw me coming. In fact, some of them seemed to embrace me more readily than they embraced their own parents. Sure there were things they did and said that were puzzling, but it wasn’t until my own kids came along and began their teenage journeys that I realized how much I didn’t know or understand.

And I’m still learning.