When was the last time you had a significant conversation with a student? I’m not talking about the “I want to give my life to Christ” kind of conversation. I’m talking about the conversation in which you hear about a recent fight with a parent or the conversation that details a student’s struggle to control anger and the desire to get a handle on it. Maybe it is centered around the difficulty of being a Christian example at school.

Having any type of conversation that goes beyond the surface can be difficult for many adults. Let’s just be honest, teenagers can be very moody and hard to understand, which makes talking with them intimidating to many adults. To make the situation even worse, most adults are so intimidated that the paid youth worker has to carry the responsibility of talking with 100 percent of the teenagers who come through the church doors, plus a few extra from the community. However, there is a better way.

It’s Not Just for Paid Staff
Paid youth workers are not the only people qualified to have significant conversations with teenagers. In fact, any adult can do it; but these significant conversations do not happen by accident. They require effort and a better understanding of teenagers. First of all, students do not withhold talking to someone just because the person is not a youth worker. In fact, there are many students who are less willing to talk about certain issues with a youth worker than anyone else.

Being on both sides of the youth worker role–paid full-timers and volunteers–has given me a new insight into one of the keys to effectively communicating with teenagers. The key is not just in asking the right questions or in the location of the conversation (i.e., not necessarily while drinking coffee at the local coffee shop). The key to effective communication with teenagers is having a relationship with them.

A Listening Ear
This truth became vividly clear to me one day while I was subbing in the local high school. At the time, I was not in a full-time youth minister position, but I had been in the area for a few years and knew most of the students in the school. Most of the students knew me, and they knew one of the reasons I was subbing was because I genuinely care for teenagers. On this particular day, I had three significant conversations with students–the kind of “ministry conversations” every youth worker longs to have with students.

I did not plan to have these conversations. In fact, I almost missed one because I was reluctant to stop what I was doing to talk to the student. (I’m so glad I stopped and listened.) Without my planning, what made them happen? The only connection between all three conversations was my ongoing relationship with each student. They knew I truly desire the best for their lives. My relationship with the students was the key to these conversation, and that day I was reminded of how much they will share when they know you care.

Build Relationships
So, how does an adult who cares about teenagers take advantage of this relational aspect to significant conversations? For starters, if you sit down with a student and it’s the first time you start thinking about having a significant conversation with him or her, then its already too late. Relational communication takes foresight and planning on your part. The first step happens when you begin to focus intentionally on building a relationship with the student. This is not a form of manipulation used to get the student to talk to you: If you are not genuinely concerned about the student’s life, then he or she will know and not talk to you anyway. You cannot be fake with a student!

Actually, if you are involved with youth ministry in any fashion, the desire to build a relationship with teenagers will come naturally. The first step is to take an interest in the students’ lives: Learn about hobbies, family structures, interests and in which areas they are gifted. You cannot have ongoing relationships if you do not know about their lives, and you will struggle to carry on a conversation if all you can ask is, “How was school this week?” Asking questions about specific aspects of students’ lives is important, but do not be afraid to stop and listen to what is on their hearts.

The Relational Key
Being given the opportunity to have significant conversations with students does not involve a mysterious formula or collection of the right buzz words. The biggest and strongest key simply is caring enough about a student to have a relationship with him or her, not a relationship based on what the student can do for you or the ministry you are involved with, but a relationship based on one adult showing God’s love to the students under your care. If you have that strong relationship and listen to a student, then every once in a while you will find yourself on the listening end of a significant conversation, a conversation that just might change the future of one special teenager.

It does not matter if you are a full-time youth worker, part-time youth worker, a volunteer, a bus driver or an “extra” adult. If you have a relationship with a student, then he or she will talk and share with you willingly. Most students do not talk to an adult based on the titles or job descriptions; they talk to an adult based on the relationship that exists between them. Knowing this truth and not utilizing it will lead to dozens (hundreds?) of missed opportunities to speak into a teenager’s life.