Some years ago, Barbara came to see me for counseling. For as long as she could remember, her parents had argued and fought; and in her teens, each parent would pour out their problems to her with little awareness of the burden of care they were placing on her young shoulders.

Barbara felt pressure to keep the peace, and any needs of her own had to be forgotten because, in particular, her mother’s needs seemed so much greater. While her mother often retired to bed with headaches, her father usually would be drinking too much to take his daughter’s troubles seriously.

Barbara tried to be perfect to please them but always failed; in her mid-20s, she found herself caught in a trap. She longed to leave home and live a life of her own, but felt very guilty because her parents needed her to be at home to make them happy. Not surprisingly, in her turmoil and depression, some of the memories of childhood began to flood back:

“There are so many fears that haven’t been voiced, that I’ve not allowed to surface,” she said. “I’m just trying to ignore the gnawing feeling that it wasn’t enough or OK to just be me—whoever that is; that I won’t be liked, approved of, loved. It has scared me to look at a lot of this.”

Such experiences, feelings and fears are very common in people who are prone to depression. Because they lack a deep sense of value and significance, they feel they always have to be earning other people’s approval. Early childhood experiences color our reactions to people we meet as we grow up. These childhood experiences live on, manifesting themselves in some of the following six ways.

Thought Patterns: These kinds of early life experiences shape and mold our brain pathways to form what cognitive behavioral therapists call schemas, mind maps or templates.

Many years ago, Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck used the expression automatic thoughts to describe the so-called recordings in our brains that switch on as reflexive responses to certain situations. These unhelpful habits of thinking can affect our moods and behavior deeply. Beck believed the self-defeating character of the depressed person is due to the illogical reasoning used when faced with a difficult situation.

Such a person’s brain will twist the evidence so that it produces an unduly gloomy view of one’s self and worth. Beck described some of the primary assumptions and cognitive distortions that predispose people to depression, such as: (1) To be happy, I must be accepted by all people at all times; (2) If I make a mistake, that means I am inept; (3) If someone disagrees with me, that means s/he does not like me; (4) My value as a person depends on what others think of me.

Perfectionism: Those who are very self-critical often set high standards for themselves and others, and this may be seen in their perfectionist approach to life. Perfectionism may be experienced in relation to appearance, performance or moral standards. It also can be primarily self-directed or directed toward others (expecting people to do things the way I think they should be done).

The roots of unhealthy perfectionism often lie in attempts to be perfect in order to earn the acceptance and love of parents (especially if a parent’s sense of self-worth was dependent on the child’s success) and in attempts to control a chaotic world of conflicting emotions and insecurity. It also can be rooted in pride and the desire to be more important than others. Such unreasonably high standards and impossible goals inevitably lead to self-defeat and depression.

Loss and separation: Many of the early studies of depression showed an association between the loss of a parent in childhood and the damage done to a person’s basic sense of security.

One study in Canada found that men were more vulnerable to depression in later life if they had lost a parent, particularly their father, before the age of 17. A study in London found a link in women being more vulnerable to depression if they lost a parent before 17, and especially if the woman lost her mother before the age of 11: “Loss of mother before 11 may have an enduring influence on a woman’s sense of self-esteem giving her an ongoing sense of insecurity and feeling of incompetence in dealing with the good things of the world.”

Another study demonstrated that separations between parents and children (children who are between the ages of 5 and 10), caused by parental illness or marital discord, were associated with depressive problems in later life. However, it is not only loss by death, as other studies have shown the link to depression to be stronger if the loss is by separation caused, for example, by the parents’ divorce.

A possible explanation for this is that a separation is much less easily resolved in a child’s mind than death, because with separation, there is always a glimmer of hope the person will return.

Social and economic factors: Disadvantaged social status is a strong predictor of mood disorders, addictions and criminal activity. In the United States and Europe, children in lower social classes feel they have less significance, value and voice compared with children from higher social classes.

These disadvantages may manifest themselves in lower motivation in school, worse grades, hostility to more-advantaged peers and less resilience in the face of difficulties. Such children usually have grown up in relative poverty, been emotionally deprived and have a greater chance of family members being addicted to alcohol or drugs, being depressed or being in jail.

Childhood adversity: A large study of the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) demonstrates the strong relationship between early life trauma and mental and physical disease. Adverse experiences in childhood were very common. Only 33 percent of children had no ACE’s, while 66 percent suffered some form of maltreatment and/or some family dysfunction during childhood.

One person in six scored four or more ACE’s (for example, sexual abuse, alcoholism, physical abuse and witnessing household violence). One person in nine scored five or more. Those with high scores such as these suffered from more anxiety, panic reactions, anger control and sleep disturbances. They also had a much greater risk for all sorts of physical illnesses and disabilities and were much more likely to become hooked on unhealthy self-soothing habits such as smoking, drinking, overeating, abusing drugs or engaging in promiscuous sex.

Learned responses: We also learn how to deal with stress and emotions by observing our parents. Some parents, when under pressure, always withdraw into a silent world of their own. Others, when angry and frustrated, set the whole atmosphere ablaze with their derisive, critical comments; and they often do considerable damage to any furniture, dogs or cats in the vicinity. In either scenario, those around them are left anxiously walking on eggshells.

Later in life, we may find ourselves reacting in the same way as our parents did and hating ourselves for it. However, learning may also work in a positive direction if our parents taught us by example, teaching us how to talk about our feelings to deal with emotions constructively with a measure of self-control.

Winter’s books include Still Bored in a Culture of Entertainment and Perfecting Ourselves to Death. This article is adapted with permission from When Life Goes Dark: Finding Hope in the Midst of Depression (InterVarsity Press, 2012).