Blame, hurt, anger and bitterness fill the room as the husband and wife sit on opposite ends of a loveseat, about as far away as is possible. Without looking at each other, each tells one side of the story.

My wife, Barbara, and I are talking to another ministry couple whose marriage is in crisis. As with most Christian leaders, they waited too long to get help. They are closed to each other, closed to the counsel of others, and worst of all, closed to the work of the Spirit in their lives.

For those who are married, soul care is crucial within their relationship with their spouse. Here is a statistic that ought to frighten all who call themselves Christians. The Francis A. Schaeffer Institute did a survey of 1,050 reformed and evangelical pastors in 2006. Many of the statistics are alarming, but here is the one I cannot get out of my mind: 77 percent of those pastors surveyed said they did not have a good marriage! That means eight out of every 10 leaders serving the church have poor marriages.

Ministry is tough on marriage. Ministry couples live in a fish bowl and often endure harsh and unfair criticism. A church or youth ministry can suck everything out of the leader, leaving little left for the mate. In time, no matter how wonderful or effective the ministry, it can become the other woman in the marriage.

I have met many whose marriage is the victim of ministry. They are gifted, committed passionate men and women with a heart for the kingdom and the Lord; but in time, their marriages drifted out of their sight and they found themselves in a place they never dreamed they would go. Some of these men and women are broken. Some are defensive. Some are angry. All of them allowed the soul care of their marriages to get away from them, and they waited too long to get help.

So how does one care for the soul of marriage?

First, not waiting too long means starting to make things better before a problem is on the horizon. The ministry with which my wife and I work, SonScape Retreats, would love to spend all our time in preventative care for those in ministry, helping youth workers, pastors and missionaries build strong biblical lives and marriages. Unfortunately, too many who come to us have waited until the resentment is so deep and the anger so intense that reconciliation is difficult, though not impossible.

Begin by making your marriage a key priority of your life and ministry. That demands time! Don’t make excuses. Spend time daily, weekly and in special events. What is true of a strong relationship with Christ is true of a strong marriage: Time is essential. For almost 20 years, my wife and I have spent an hour each day together talking, listening and praying. Don’t say it can’t happen. We have raised four children, been active in demanding ministries and experienced many traumas. We have learned this time is as crucial as regular time with the Lord. In fact, they build on each other. Take time for dates, vacations, conferences, hobbies, activities, listening and romance together.

Second, when life and ministry cause a distance or an issue to grow in your relationship, get help immediately. One of the great deceptions of the evil one is that admitting we have a problem is somehow an admission that we are inadequate spiritually. What a lie! We all have problems, issues and failures. Ask for help as soon as an issue arises. There are great counselors, retreat ministries and conferences available.

Oh, by the way. As I am writing this, today I am celebrating my 36th wedding anniversary. My wife is still my best friend, confidante and lover. Life and ministry have not always been easy; but with intentional care, marriage gets better every year if not every day.