I want to acknowledge and confess my deepest struggle and frustration as a youth worker. It comes from that overbearing parent who thinks you are doing youth ministry all wrong. It comes from parents who constantly critique you and don’t give the ministry any credibility. It comes from parents who don’t want to send their teenagers to youth group.

I once heard from the teenager of such a parent that she could not go on any retreats or mission trips with the youth group because her parents don’t trust the youth ministry. Worse, they were telling other parents negative things and why they didn’t trust the youth ministry.

It comes from parents who rarely show up for church or their children are missing every other week because of soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring. It comes from parents who we as try to help be the primary, spiritual caretakers of their teenagers but they still pawn it off and proclaim that it’s the job the youth ministry. It comes from parents who blame the youth worker and youth ministry when their teenagers are not “changing.” It comes from parents who seem entitled to say and do whatever they want with their teenagers and have no problem subverting your authority. It comes from parents who don’t understand your deep love and laboring for their teenagers, but rather come off disrespectful and ungrateful. It comes from parents who only send their kids to youth group when their teenagers need community service hours or need to fulfill a school requirement. It comes from parents who demand certain youth group programs (despite the fact that often you are usually already doing them). It comes from parents who go to your Senior Pastor behind your back and only give a “one-sided” story of a situation, instead of talking to you first. It comes from parents who want to send their teenagers on a short-term mission trip, but don’t understand the requirements or needs of the preparation meetings. It comes from…(insert your own example here).

As a young, fresh youth worker over 25 years ago, I soon realized that ministry is joyful, but it is also deeply frustrating. After just a few months on the job, it seemed like there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t want to quit.

Over the years, I tell people that now it has gone from “not a day goes by” to “not a week goes by” to probably now, “not a month goes by.” Still, I will confess that there are always deep frustrations in ministry with teenagers. In particular, for me, the biggest frustrations in ministry have not come from teenagers. Nor has it been coming from the church leadership, with pressures to “produce” numbers or do a better job with the youth ministry. My biggest frustrations have come from parents.

Yet, we have often heard that the “success” of one’s youth ministry depends on working with parents well. Others have said that 50% of youth ministry is working with parents. While these may be true, I will say it again, that even after 25 years, I have found that working with parents, while extremely vital and important, is still extremely difficult and frustrating. Even today, after 21 years at one church as the pastor of youth and families, I find the most maddening and disheartening aspect of youth ministry is working with parents.

Are you frustrated with parents? Do they sometimes drive you nuts? Do they make you sometimes what to pull out your hair? It’s ok to confess it.

Last year, I wrote a book on parents that was subtitled, “Understanding Parents of Teenagers.” I jokingly say to many youth workers that it should have been called “Why I once hated parents.” For me, it is still frustrating for me dealing with parents. And believe me, I have three teenage children in my youth group, so no parent can say to me as a youth worker, “you don’t understand me, you don’t have teenagers.” I am long tenured in my church. I have two graduate degrees and a Ph.D.  But still, parents don’t care about that. Ultimately, even today as I still get frustrated with parents, Despite my frustrations, I’ve learned a few things that have helped me endure parents, and these things always lead me on a path back to remembering why I actually love youth ministry. I guess in my own way, these ideas move me for “hating” parents, to understanding them and embracing their frustrations, for the sake of our teenagers. They move me from frustrations to ways I can have a fruitful outlook during frustrating situations.

Accept the Reality

What has always given me peace is that there will always be parents who are critical, “haters,” or have different expectations for your youth ministry. It is just a fact of reality. This may sound nerdy, but what often comforts me is that when I think about the theory of “bell curves” or normal distribution, that there will always be that last 20% of curve that is outside of the norm. Hence, in any group of parents, I just know that 20% at the very least will be those who are outside of those who are generally supportive of the youth ministry. I understand that there will always those who don’t accept or embrace the youth ministry. It is just comforting to know that we will have haters who hover around our youth ministry (and often, those haters manifest themselves in the form of parents).

Focus on the 80% instead of the 20%

I have learned that while it is important to hear, embrace, and learn from critiques (even antagonistic ones) that I need to also see that there are many good things happening in the youth ministry. I sometimes get stuck in seeing that 20% and it can sure bring me down spiritually. I have to remind myself that God is still doing much good in the youth ministry, and probably a lot more that don’t I see.  Focus on the 80% too. God is probably doing a lot of good through your ministry and many do appreciate it.

Remember Who They Belong To

When I’m frustrated by disagreements, or conflicts that may be brewing with parents, I have to remind myself who the students in our ministry belong to. I have to remind myself, that I can’t force parents to be what they are not, nor am I ultimately the parents of their teenagers. I remember a few years ago, a new youth ministry intern of mine was asked by a middle school student in his small group if he could leave early for a soccer game and that his parents asked him to attend. My young intern asked the student if he loved soccer more or his small group more. This led the student to stay in small group that evening, missing the game. When he got home his parents were upset, and called me later that very angry. When I went to talk to my intern about this, I had to remind them that even “if” he was right, that the middle school student was not his child. Ultimately, sometimes as youth workers, we may think we know what is better for the students in our ministries. However, we are also not the parent and we need to respect and remember that.

Learn to Handle Uncomfortable Places

The kid in my story above enjoyed and wanted to come out to youth group. But now the parents did not want to send them (they were still pretty upset). And I can understand their feelings. Ultimately, all that resulted was a student torn between his parents and our youth group. The teenager was an innocent bystander in this situation but now was torn between his parents and the youth ministry. This should never happen. There is a time for confronting and speaking prophetically into the lives of parents. However, I always tell youth workers, at what expense to the teenagers? Are we going to have them be caught and torn between their parents and the youth ministry? It is something that needs to seriously be considered and remembered.

Be Gracious and Available

I have found that being gracious and available to parents who frustrate me has been helpful. For example, we are quite firm with parents who want to send their child on a short-term mission trip, if they say they cannot attend a certain number of preparation meetings due to travel baseball or soccer in the spring when we prepare for our summer short-term mission trips. Some parents get indignant and vehemently complain to church leadership about these things, which is frustrating to me. Nonetheless, I try to explain to these parents in the most gracious and kind way that as soccer teams have practice requirements, so do our short-term mission teams. I’ve seen great fruit from being gracious in these moments.

Similarly, presenting a spirit of availability, even to the most frustrating parents, opens doors. I have found over 21 years at my church that when there is a deep need or crisis in a family, that promoting graciousness and availability leads families toward you when they need counseling or care.

In the end, I confess my frustration with parents. I confess them all here authentically and honestly, for my tribe of youth workers. Yet, I also confess that I can be fruitful, that I can handle it in ways that can be fruitful in my heart, and for the sake of the parents…and most of all…for the teenagers we so dearly love.