LONELINESS
Portraits
Samantha had been nervous about going on the trip with the youth group. She was a freshman, so she didn’t know many of the older kids. And to be honest, she didn’t have many friends in her own class. She had a problem with ace and she didn’t see herself as even remotely attractive. She was one of the first ones on the bus, but no one sat next to her. She wished she had stayed home.
Brandon’s older brother was the life of every group he was in. He was funny, clever and smart, and everyone loved him. But his brother often used Brandon as the butt of a lot of his jokes, and it hurt Brandon’s feelings terribly. He tried to smile and act like it didn’t matter, but it did. He never felt as though anyone wanted to be his friend.
Definitions and Key Thoughts
Loneliness is the common condition of fallen humanity. It is the painful experience of isolation triggered by one or several factors, including exclusion or the perception of exclusion from groups, abandonment by a person or family, cultural differences or a feeling of alienation from God.
Loneliness tells us that we are alone and cut off from any hope of meaningful interaction, resulting in sadness, hopelessness and sometimes anger.
Feelings of loneliness are common in our culture, and even more prevalent in adolescence. Developmentally, young people are trying to establish their identity and they get much of their self-worth from the acceptance of friends and family. When they don’t feel accepted, they feel abandoned, isolated and alone.
Assessment Interview
1. When do you feel particularly lonely?
2. When do you feel connected to people?
3. When did those feelings begin? What was going on in your life at that time?
4. Tell me about your family. Do you feel close to them (or to some of them)? Tell me about that.
5. Who is your most trusted friend? Tell me what makes this friendship special for you.
6. What do you think is the most significant cause of your loneliness?
7. How have you tried to connect with people? What happened? How did you respond to their rejection?
8. How do you feel about God? Have you ever felt close to Him? Tell me about that.
9. Who are the people–teens or adults–who are genuinely interested in you? How do they make you feel?
Wise Counsel
The feelings of emptiness or abandonment may be overwhelming, and the teen may not understand the cause of the problem. Explore the possible factors that may contribute to the lonely feelings, including broken or strained friendships, moving to a new city and not getting into a group, cultural differences (including race, nationality or financial disparity), failure to meet an important person’s expectations, part of the grieving process or the sense of being far away from God.
Often loneliness begins at home. Without a firm foundation of love and support from parents, adolescents may have unrealistic expectations of their friends at school, unwittingly demanding they be more accepting than they are able. Parents need to provide plenty of physical and emotional presence coupled with strong doses of affirmation as they gradually grant more autonomy to their adolescent kids. It’s not easy, but it’s essential for their teens’ emotional and relational health.
Loneliness almost always is part of a larger emotional package. Feelings of isolation and rejection trigger a wide range of powerful emotions: anger at those who failed to accept the person, fear that it will happen again and a sense of shame that she isn’t worthy of anyone’s love.
The counselor’s unconditional warm regard is important to the teen struggling with loneliness. The fact that she came to you is an expression of need and trust. Build on that connection. Enjoy talking and listening to her.
To be emotionally healthy, people don’t have to be friends with everybody, but they certainly need one or two people who accept them for who they are. Help the teen identify others (maybe just one person) who might be a real friend to her. The first person she chooses may not respond the way she hopes. Encourage her not to despair but to keep looking for friends she likes and trusts.
Action Steps
1. Recognize the Feeling: Put your thoughts and feelings in writing–possibly in a journal–as a way to determine the source of your loneliness.
2. Realize Loneliness Won’t Last Forever: It may seem as though your feelings of loneliness are the only emotions you’ll have for the rest of your life. Understand that everyone has these feelings from time to time. Your situation is not hopeless. You will not always feel lonely. Remember that no one is truly alone if she has God in her life.
3. Examine Your Coping Styles: Every person tries to compensate for painful feelings in one way or another. For example, some become busy to fill the time; some engage in risky behavior to win acceptance and find excitement; some passively withdraw into an emotional shell. Talk with your counselor about nonproductive coping styles you may be using that ultimately lead to more isolation.
Boredom is often a problem when it comes to loneliness. If you are bored, find a new hobby or activity that keeps you busy. If your activity involves being outdoors or in a public place, it also will increase your chance of meeting new people who could become your friends.
4. Build on Positive Relationships: Take steps to build healthy relationships of trust and respect. Identify any healthy, positive relationship in your life–even if it’s with an aunt who lives across the country. Think about what makes that relationship positive and pleasant, and pursue deepening the relationship even more.
5. Get Involved: Join your church youth group, a Bible study, a service organization or club in your school, or a sports team. Volunteer–volunteering for a community agency is a great way to help pthers and at the same time engage in meaningful relationships.
6. Remember How Much God Loves You: Lonely times can draw you closer to God. He wants His children to depend on Him for everything. Ultimately, God is the only One who truly loves us and accepts us unconditionally. His love and grace are endless, and we can enjoy His company all day every day. The problem, or course, is that He is invisible, while people who reject you are flesh and blood. Study the nature of God’s grace, His presence in your life, and His tender care for you. You may want to memorize verses that will comfort you when you feel particularly lonely.
Biblical Insights
“Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins” (
When we feel alone, we’re in good company. King David felt the same way, and he cried out to God to come to him, forgive him and free him from his painful feelings.
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast” (
In this beautiful psalm, David explains that we are with God all day every day, in all physical and spiritual dimensions. He holds us gently in the pam of His hand.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (
Jesus knows what it feels like to be abandoned, betrayed and isolated. Whatever difficulties we experience and however awful we feel, Jesus understands because He experienced the same things when He was on Earth. For that reason, we can confidently go to Him with our cares and feelings of loneliness.
Prayer Starter
Lord Jesus, You are a God of the lonely and the forgotten. Today, my friend is struggling with feelings of loneliness. Reveal Your kindness and Your prescense to her and draw Your child closer to You. Bring godly, encouraging friends into her life, and diffuse any drama in her relationships. Use my friend to comfort others who feel lonely, too. We thank You, Jesus, that You never leave us or forsake us, and that, in You, we have a best Friend forever.
Used with permission from Dr. Tim Clinton, Dr. Chap Clark and Dr. Joshua Staub’s The Quick Reference Guide to Counseling Teenagers, Copyright© 2010 by Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group.
