Can you recall your best days? Not just good days, but best days. Any childhood memories stick out? Perhaps it’s the day you caught Oscar, that massive fish that was the stuff of fishing-hole legend. Or perhaps when you hit the winning home run in the championship game or got the lead in the school play.
How about adult memories? One of my best days was my wedding day. Kathy was everything I ever imagined a bride could be (I definitely got the better end of the deal). Plus, there was no fainting, vomiting or mooning—all experiences that historically have tainted wedding ceremonies.
My kids’ births are at the top of the list, as well. Before their arrivals, I wasn’t sure I’d make it through the experience. In all honesty, I don’t do well with blood. Just writing the word makes me feel faint. Yet when my children were born, a fascination with birth took over and gave my fear of blood a good, old-fashioned butt-kickin’. What I once dreaded suddenly shot to the top of my best-days list.
The Best Ministry Days
What about ministry? We’ve all heard of best days in ministry, but what ingredients make for best days? Is it when we “hit a home run” with a talk? Or perhaps it’s when the event we’ve geared toward all year runs flawlessly.
Sure, these make for great days, but truth be told, they fall way short of best days, because best days in ministry always revolve around people.
Perhaps it’s when Jeremy, that awfully hard-to-reach kid, finally responds. Or maybe it’s the day Kelsey, a student in whom you’ve invested your life, leads her friend to Christ. Such days deserve to be stamped with the best-days seal of approval. They represent breakthroughs and transformation. They make much of the stuff of youth ministry worthwhile.
Amazingly, after 16 years in youth ministry, I’m discovering yet another type of best day. It’s a category of best I didn’t realize existed. In many ways, it out-bests all my other best days.
Another Type of Best Days
Somewhere between the 10 to 15 year mark of service, youth workers get to claim the cherished title of veteran. During my recent entrance into these veteran years, I’ve noticed more and more of my most significant ministry moments are happening way outside the bounds of what I used to consider “official” student ministry. In fact, I’m discovering a staggering reality. In some cases, God is granting me greater influence in the lives of former students than in the lives of students presently involved in youth ministry. What’s more, the moments with former students often out-best all my other best days.
The Best Days Modeled
This new discovery shouldn’t be so astonishing. In fact, I’m a bit surprised and embarrassed that I’m so surprised. Somehow I missed seeing how one particular youth worker I know is impacting someone’s life way beyond official boundaries, and he’s doing it right before my very eyes—my youth pastor is still impacting my life! For some reason, the “aha” moment of applying his ministry model to my life is just now taking place.
All confessing aside, the most significant person in my life besides my wife, parents and grandparents is probably Dan Glaze, a volunteer youth worker from my high school days. Even though I’m officially all grown up, I still unofficially talk with Dan about all kinds of life stuff. Whether I’m stumbling through a valley or dancing on a mountaintop, the pattern I developed in high school of hashing things out with my trusted friend and mentor remains a natural reflex. He hears it all—the good, the bad and the ugly. Just like in high school, Dan helps me wrestle through it all. He’s the kind of youth worker we all dream about being. He encourages and loves me, but also challenges me with in-your-face words.
What’s more, Dan says his best youth ministry days are with guys and girls like me—former students now in their mid-30s. He’s been the best man in weddings. He and his wife have done premarital counseling. They’ve helped dozen of former students work through major financial and family decisions. To Dan, these days out-best his former best days.
I, too, am experiencing this new kind of best day, and what follows are a few personal stories. In no way do I share these stories to convince anyone that I’m now an expert on ministry to former students. Take these stories for what they’re meant to be—simple, learn-as-I-go tales upon which to reflect—and view the dos and don’ts at the end of this article as personal journal entries I’m still writing as I travel through this new, evolving journey.
The Best Days Experienced
While I view the former students I’m connecting with as peers (they’re in their late 20s), they still see me as their youth pastor and mentor. In other words, many see me the same way I view Dan Glaze. He is and always will be my youth pastor.
For instance, one former student I’ll call Blake meets me at Starbucks pretty regularly. We talk about anything and everything on his mind: theology, potential careers, potential dates. Our conversations, while usually casual, quickly become in-depth when Blake is facing something significant. What has intrigued me most has been Blake’s openness. Even though he’s the quiet, confident type, he now shares freely about family difficulties and his own personal insecurities. Blake was tight-lipped about personal stuff back in high school, but now, everything just comes out without any probing. It’s taken years (12 to be exact) for him to be this open with me, and this new openness has created ministry opportunities I never dreamed were attainable back when Blake was in high school.
Another student I’ve reconnected with is Travis. Travis was my first “trophy” student, because his walk with God was so stellar. Today, Travis is engaged to a non-believer. He asked me to do the ceremony. My personal conviction is that I’ll do premarital counseling with any couple, but that doesn’t mean I’ll perform every marriage ceremony. While I’ll perform ceremonies for two followers of Christ or two non-believers, I won’t perform a ceremony for a Christian and non-Christian. For me, the “unequally yoked” passage (
So when Travis asked me to perform the ceremony, I asked a few questions. Once I discovered his fiancée was not following Christ, I was in a difficult situation. Do I hold to my convictions and run the risk of offending a friend? I prayed, restudied biblical texts and explained my convictions to Travis. He was disappointed (as was I), but understanding.
So why do I consider these my best ministry days with Travis? I’m disappointed in Travis’ decision, but I’m also incredibly grateful he trusts me enough to open up to me, even though he knew I’d be disappointed. When he first asked me to perform his wedding ceremony (via e-mail), I could tell something wasn’t right. When it took more than a month for him to respond to my return e-mail, I knew he was wrestling with something and contemplating whether or not to let me into his world. He finally did, and now we’re engaged in extremely significant interaction. I challenge him. He challenges me. We both end up encouraging one another. What an opportunity to walk through the stuff of real life with a youth group kid!
Kathy and I are having Travis and his fiancée over for dinner to get to know her, as well as share why I’m not performing the ceremony (We were willing to do pre-marital counseling, but neither their schedules nor ours permit it, so we’re trying to help them line up counseling with someone else.). Sure, getting together will be awkward; and no, we aren’t trying to pressure her to accept Christ. We simply want to start our relationship with them in an honest, loving manner. Jesus spoke truth in love; we want to do the same.
I have numerous other best-days stories from this past year. Aaron’s father died suddenly, and a few weeks later his first child was born. I’ve had the opportunity to talk with him about both experiences. The conversations have been difficult and delightful, but they authentically revolved around the stuff of life, which makes them best day experiences.
Best Days Do’s and Don’ts
So what am I learning as I process these new best days? Here are a few insights, not from an expert, but from a fellow journeyman:
DO—I’m discovering I can and should contact former students who I highly regarded when they were in high school. Let’s face it, we relate to some students easier than others; and when they’re in youth ministry, we must be careful of playing favorites. Once students become former students, they’re just that—former students. At the same time, we become peers who just happen to be their former youth workers. In our new role, there are no official expectations or responsibilities. So as peers, we can pick and choose with whom we hang. This is not to say we’re free to ignore former students; it just means we have more freedom in choosing with whom to spend our time.
I’ve found this clarity especially helpful. When coming back to Atlanta where I had a former ministry, I’ve felt the freedom to initiate contact with some former students and not initiate contact with others. While I might bump into numerous students from time to time, I’m at liberty only to pursue those God puts on my heart.
DON’T—I’m also discovering I can’t have best days with former students who are still in the youth ministry. In other words, if I move from a church, youth ministry teens are pretty much off-limits. With the decision to leave comes the responsibility to back-off relationally so new leaders can establish themselves.
I’ve personally experienced this in two different ways during the past few years. First, I left a church in Omaha (where I served for almost eight years) about two years ago. I left well. The youth ministry was fully equipped with paid and volunteer staff, which meant no new person would come in to replace me. So, as far as leadership transitions go, it was pretty seamless. Yet moving was still emotional. Even though the leadership baton was passed to an established team, students needed time to connect with this team in a new way. If I stayed in contact with students, I’d sabotage what God had built and wanted to build. My responsibility was to let go.
I also experienced the need to back off after another move just a year later. I moved from Omaha to a church in Chicago and it wasn’t a good fit. The fit had little to do with the church or students and tons to do with me and what God was doing in my life. Within a year, I sensed God releasing me into another ministry. Yet this quick release, in many ways, made the move harder. To make matters even more difficult, I frequently travel back to the town where this church is located. There’s a temptation to contact students with whom I connected during my short tenure to see how they’re doing. Yet this would be extremely unfair for the youth ministry team at this church. Again, my responsibility is to let go.
DO—I’m also discovering the most strategic post-youth ministry relationships I can develop are with former students pursuing (or already in) ministry. Because I’ve lived the path they’re walking—Bible college, internships, financial concerns, questions about how ministry effects a spouse, choosing a church, issues with senior pastors—I can help them navigate the journey. Because my life is about investing in God’s kingdom by impacting students, multiplying what God does in my life into the lives of next generation youth workers just makes sense.
DON’T—I’m learning not to equate an occasional deposit in a life as an investment. Kathy and I have former students visit us from time to time; some even stay at our house during their vacations. We consider this a great honor and try to make deposits in their lives while they’re with us; but investments, by definition, require consistent, ongoing deposits. So, out of the many contacts we have with former students, we only consider a handful investment-level relationships.
The Best Days Are Still Ahead
My commitment to youth ministry is as strong as ever. Student ministry is in my blood. By nature, I’m drawn to teenagers.
While I continue to grapple with the significance behind my recent best-days discovery, I’m convinced God will grant me opportunities for greater impact. What’s more, I believe the term veteran, at least for me, doesn’t mean inching closer to retirement, but means my best days will become even better.
