Well, that’s what happened to me. As a full-time youth worker, a person very engaged in my family life, and a soon-to-be wife I began to feel a stirring in my spirit that was not all wedding-planning bliss. It was full-blown stress, fear and anxiety. I knew this feeling all too well. I am prone to stress and anxiety. My body knew anxiety more than it knew any other feeling. I felt it as a kid. I felt it throughout my teen years. It followed me into college and seminary. So, now…here I was in the middle of planning one of the most important days of my life, and I felt as if I were breaking down.
Consider This
I went to see my pastor, who told me something that would change my life.
I sat in his office and told him about how I felt with all these things that were coming my way. I told him of the constant pressure from the people around me to produce—beyond the wedding planning. Most significant, I told him that I felt there were some things I needed to work on for myself that had nothing to do with the wedding. It had more to do with my marriage, my life and my call to ministry. There were some questions I had about myself that never had surfaced before. I questioned how I would handle conflict within my marriage if I couldn’t handle conflict with my mother about centerpieces. I wondered if I could balance being a wife, youth worker, daughter, sister and friend. I questioned if I really had been in touch with my true self. Suddenly, I felt the urge to dig deeper.
All the wedding and marriage planning had brought up feelings and questions for me, and it caused me to be more aware of some deeply rooted issues I had within myself.
My pastor listened intently as I unloaded all my doubts and fears on him. Then he said, “One of the greatest gifts I gave myself during one of the most important times of my life was the gift of therapy.” He scooted to the end of his seat, closer to me, and he continued. “Many people are afraid to talk about therapy or seeing a counselor. As ministry leaders, we owe it to the people we serve, to our families, to ourselves and to God to practice self-care. We cannot always take on everybody else’s issues without confronting our own. Seeing a therapist changed how I came into ministry. I think you should consider it, too.”
I never had considered a therapist before. Years of hidden anxiety and stress had taught me how to smile and keep going. If I had a personal motto, it would be, “Just keep smiling and moving, and no one will see how much of a mess you are.” I realized sitting in that office that my whole life had been wrapped up in making sure everybody else was OK, but I had taken very little care of making sure I was OK.
Don’t Forget About YOU
As youth workers, we have this great tendency to think we can take on the weight of the world. We try to counsel and console teens and their parents. We feel as if we must be the experts on the war on drugs, sexuality, peer pressure, and the latest large-group games. For many of us, being a youth worker is a 24/7 job. Even when we are not in the office, we still are working. Teens always are on our minds. We constantly are thinking about how they are living, the next trip to be organized, and the teen who is struggling with his or her identity, the parent who is flailing, and the committee that is questioning.
With all these things going on, we sometimes ignore the other parts of our lives. Sometimes we forget that we have more parts to our lives. When we finally begin to try and play catch up, we realize we have put more weight on our shoulders than we can handle.
So, what do we do? Most of us keep plugging away. We keep smiling and moving. The danger in that is that one day it all will come crumbling down. For me, I didn’t want that day to be my wedding day.
Getting Through the Door
Upon my pastor’s advice, I decided to see a therapist. I had no idea where to start. I asked someone I trusted and was open about the value of seeing a therapist for a recommendation of a counselor. She immediately gave me the name of a certified Christian counselor in Manhattan. I called right way, for fear that if I waited I would chicken out altogether. We set up a time for our first appointment.
I would be lying if I said I was ready for the time to sit and talk to a stranger about all my years of anxiety and how I was afraid of the new life coming my way. Deep down inside, I wanted to get through that door and spill my guts. I wanted to open up and have the counselor dissect my thoughts and send me out healed and brand new. However, as I stood on the sidewalk at the entrance to the office, all I had was more anxiety. “What if she thought I was just being silly? What if my issues are not serious enough? What if I can’t open up and I waste my time and hers?”
Before I could turn and run, the door opened, and a smiling person (a client) walked out and said, “It’s all yours.” As I stepped into the office, I realized this might be the only time I get someone’s undivided attention, who was trained to listen, and who wanted to listen…to me…about me. It was time for me to take a step in being a healthier me—for my sake and the people around me.
The Value of Letting Go
One of the biggest obstacles for youth workers is that we don’t always feel comfortable opening up to people. We are so used to being the ones who take on (responsibility, others’ fears, others’ issues) that we are uncomfortable when it is our turn to let go and open up about ourselves.
For most youth workers, there doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day to find a place to release. We flood our days with appointments, meetings, events and planning. We go about our days taking on more and more without finding the time and place to let go so we can move forward a bit lighter then next day.
I believe this is the value of seeing a counselor. Having someone who will listen without judgment or bias is refreshing. It can be intimidating at first. Our natural reaction is to hold back or try to have a solution as we are talking about the problem. It is the counselor’s job to assure us that we are in a safe place where we can open up without having to solve anything.
Letting go of something took me about three visits to the counselor. After three whole sessions, she finally said, “So, we’ve talked about everyone else and their issues…Can we talk about you now?” I said, “I thought we were talking about me this whole time.” She began to break down how I had talked about my parents, my brother, the church, the kids in the youth group, the pressure of the wedding plans on everyone else. She told me that I had talked—for three one-hour sessions—about everyone else’s feelings and had not once shared how I was feeling.
That hit me hard because I didn’t realize what I had been doing. The counselor said she suspected this is how I was all the time. She was right: I always was concerned with others and putting myself on the side, and that is the very reason I was sitting in her office at that moment. I needed to be able to talk about myself—my feeling, my pain, and my joys—and not feel guilty for opening up about myself.
So we began a journey of letting go. I began with letting go of the fact that I had to have all the answers to all the questions of the entire world. The counselor dug deeper and deeper until I was coming into the sessions with notes on moments in my week when I had not been in touch with myself. Slowly, I began to let go of my fears of not being able to balance my marriage and ministry. She helped me see them as a whole rather than two separate lives. She didn’t have a magic formula or a slick way to get me to talk. She simply told me the truth and challenged me to look beyond everyone else and see myself.
I left those sessions with the counselor stronger and healthier. Not all my questions were answered. I still had to plan a wedding and find out for myself how to navigate all the changes in my future. However, those sessions gave me courage and tools to move forward with less anxiety, less stress, greater focus, and more thankful.
Finally, we made it to the wedding day. The save-the-dates had been outstanding; the centerpieces were beautiful; the iPod playlist was a hit at the reception. Most importantly, I didn’t crumble under the pressure. We were able to come to the wedding day happy and stress-free.
Seven years later, I am still reaping the benefits of those counseling sessions. When I feel overwhelmed, I know it’s time to take a step back and take note of how I am caring for myself. I try to ask myself honest questions about where I am and how I will let go to come to a place of peace and thanksgiving.
My prayer is that if you find yourself in a place of being overwhelmed, stressed out, afraid, anxious and out of touch that you would give yourself a special gift: the gift of therapy, of being heard, being cared for, and learning to let go of anything that keeps you from being your personal best.
