As fathers, we sometimes think it’s our job to prepare our sons for a specific vocation. Say, to become a doctor, mechanic, builder, or accountant. But, in fact, college or vocational education can do that much better than you or I can. My goal in this chapter is to focus on how your son can develop integrity, self-discipline, and the proper motivation to be successful in any job he attempts to do.
Jesus’ life was lived with purpose. He was very intentional about the things He did, the people He saw, the miracles He performed, and even the words He spoke. He lived His life by design and not by accident. He knew what He was about, and that fact alone led Him to the cross despite numerous obstacles—not the least of which was Satan. No doubt Satan wanted to steer Jesus off-course from His intended destiny, and the temptation of Christ seems to have been designed by Satan with this in mind (
The temptation is the same for each of us—to live life by happenstance as opposed to living it deliberately, with goals in view.
It’s absolutely essential that we, as fathers and mentors, relentlessly live our lives with purpose. To do this, you and I must be convinced that we were created for a reason. Although that reason may include our vocation, work should never be an end in itself. As someone has wisely discerned, “There is no future in any job. The future is in the person who holds the job.”
Again, this was true of Jesus, who was chosen by God to save the world. Only Jesus could have been qualified to accomplish the redemptive work of God. God’s plan called for a person who was sinless and who would voluntarily bear our sins in His body on our behalf (see
Likewise, we can help our sons to understand that it’s not so much finding the right kind of job as being the right kind of person that matters. Many employers understand that the character of a man is as important as the job he is trained to do, because it inevitably affects the job. Honest, hardworking men and women are wanted everywhere.
A story is told of the late Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart. Walton had just hired a senior executive for his company, and to celebrate, he took the young man to lunch. As was Sam’s custom, instead of choosing a fancy restaurant, he picked a local cafeteria. While they were in line waiting to pay for the food, Mr. Walton noticed his hireling stuffing pats of butter into his suit-coat pocket. The butter pats cost mere pennies, and Mr. Walton was footing the bill—which made this petty thievery seem all the more senseless to Sam. During lunch Mr. Walton withdrew his offer to the young man, citing the stolen butter as his reason. The now unemployed senior executive was dumbfounded, and unfortunately could never quite understand why such a small—to him, even insignificant—thing, like taking a few pats of butter, could cost him his job. To Walton, it was an obvious character flaw—a small crack that could well lead to an even bigger ethical rupture later.
Our goal as mentors is primarily to train our sons to be worthy of a position. Character is what makes the difference. To be worthy is to deserve a job or position. When we study the word deserving, there is associated with it the concept of merit. When I am responsible with menial tasks, the door may be opened for me to be responsible for even greater assignments. Unfortunately, many employers today observe that too many young men believe the world owes them the best jobs, the most esteemed positions, and the most prominent titles, whether they have demonstrated that they deserve them.
This was true even of the disciples. You may remember how they argued about who among them would be the greatest of all. (See
Beyond Ourselves
You see, Jesus taught this great principle: that you and I and our sons have a place and a purpose far greater than us. Sure, fishing is a fine profession (although tax collecting may not be!), but Jesus connected His men to a greater sense of purpose. How many men do you know who feel purposeless and empty? We must first teach our sons that God has a purpose for them. A sense of purpose will help motivate them to do a worthy job. Jesus said that one of the reasons God sent Him into the world was to serve (
To teach our sons how to serve will be the basis, or the foundation, of a greater purpose—achieving success in whatever profession they choose. It also will establish them as valuable witnesses to help the world, and those with whom they work, understand the true nature of Christianity. God did not abandon us to meaningless toil—this was the result of the curse (
Jesus, again, is our example here. Remember the Last Supper when He wrapped a towel around His waist and washed the feet of His disciples? (See
When I am seen washing dishes with my wife or pre-paring the evening meal, I am telling my son who Christ is and what attitude he must take on. When my son sees me cleaning the church building, raking the yard, and shoveling snow on the walkways, I am telling him what Christ was like and what attitude he must adopt. When he sees me visiting the sick, taking the Word of God to the local prison, or feeding the poor in our community, I am showing him God as He really is!
There was a man in our parish who was well-educated, well-traveled, and highly respected in his field, and yet he was the one who repaired the toilets in our church building, stripped and waxed the floors, and did general maintenance on a regular basis. We were the only church I knew of who had an MBA senior-executive mowing the parish lawn! Is it any wonder, then, when it came time to appoint a president for our congregation’s Board of Trustees that this man was chosen? He deserved to be our chief executive officer be-cause he was and is a servant who continues to be responsible for all those unwanted, undesirable tasks.
You and I both know men in the working world who can think of nothing more than their own agenda and personal needs. They may even be successful, for now. But self-seekers have a way of getting ruined in the end. Men who are there for others are sought and valued.
We can train our sons today to be the valued and sought-after employees of tomorrow—young men who do not demand position, authority, and big bucks, but rather those who command these benefits because of their character.
Integrity
Integrity is the quality of being complete, or undivided—when someone has integrity, he proves worthy of our trust. A bridge that has structural integrity can be trusted to hold up under our feet or carry our car safely to the other side. Teaching our sons to have integrity—that is, to be whole, single in purpose, and undivided—will prepare them well for any future employment.
Men who have integrity are dependable! These guys can be trusted to show up for work on time, meet deadlines, be there in a crisis, and even go the extra mile if that’s what it takes to get the job done. Unfortunately, people aren’t always born dependable. Most often, dependability is learned.
To help your son learn dependability, put him on a weekly work schedule. Make sure to assign things he can do after school, such as cleaning his room, putting out the trash, helping to set the dinner table, and caring for younger siblings. Make up a chart that lists his weekly chores and let him be responsible to complete them. You may need to sit down with him and figure out a timetable for each activity. Being punctual is another indispensable part of being dependable. When all of his responsibilities are completed, either that day or by the end of the week, reward him. Let him choose an activity—such as playing catch in the backyard, playing a board game, taking him to the movies, or just hanging out together. It’s not so important what you do, but that you do it together! Or you may wish to offer him a small sum of money, appropriate to the amount of work and time spent.
Another thing you can do to help your son learn dependability is to allow him to experiment with long-term projects around the house. Obviously, these would not fit into his after-school work schedule, but would be reserved for Saturdays and days off from school. It is so important that he find out what he’s good at doing so that he’ll be enthusiastic and throw himself into his work. A powerful esteem-builder is your son’s ability to master new skills, receive recognition for a job well done, and gain confidence to do a particular task entirely on his own.
For example, I found that my son, Patrick, loved to strip wood, sand it, and then paint it. It wasn’t hard, therefore, to get him to be dependable with a job when it was something he enjoyed doing. Encouraging my son’s sense of industry made him feel capable and useful. And when a boy brings his whole being into a weekend project he loves, he does an even better job than usual.
Encourage your son to experiment with various projects, such as fixing up a classic car or repairing a motorcycle. Or help him learn to use tools as you work together to make general repairs around the house. In these ways, your son might even find a career path that suits him. We never know what will spark our son’s interest until we let him try a number of things. And doing what he likes to do can be more motivational than a paycheck. Just ask the guy who hates his job. He’ll tell you how he does damaging things to deaden the pain, like drinking or gambling, or how he blows money on toys to fill in the emptiness or salve the anger.
When your son is trying out his newfound abilities, don’t compare his work to that of other siblings. Having an older brother and sister, I can relate to the misguided effort of my parents who, when comparing me to my brother or sister, tried to communicate that I could do something. Unfortunately, all I heard was, “You’re not as good as Billy or Dee.” Rather, compare your son to his past performance: “You’ve done better” or “I see improvement.”
You can also teach your son that God will help him as he develops skills, for as Paul said, “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (
Self-Discipline
According to a USA Today article, 90 percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions. Experts tell us, however, that only one in five people follow through on their vows to lose weight, get out of debt, or develop a daily devotional life. Helping your son to be self-disciplined enough to do what needs to be done is no small task. To be self-disciplined is to know one’s whims, patterns, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. To know them so well, in fact, that, according to Paul and Sarah Edwards, who are gurus of the work-at-home movement, “We can literally feed ourselves the exact words, schedule, food, routines, and resources we need to nourish our competence and enable us to operate consistently at our best.”1
Our mentoring as dads can begin with simple things that connect with our sons’ interests. This can include helping your son develop a tailor-made training schedule that includes a practice routine or workout with regard to his favorite sport or chosen athletic endeavor; helping him find information about cars, animals, computers, music, ocean-ography, or whatever else interests him; helping him develop a diet that focuses on good nutrition and balanced meals so he can stay in shape; or helping him have a daily devotional life that includes beginning the day with prayer and Bible study. These habits, if developed early, will form a solid foundation for your son to build on physically, mentally, and spiritually throughout his life. They will help him gain the sense of well-being and focus that he will need to stay on track through adulthood.
What we’re talking about is training in self-motivation.
Again, I look to Jesus as the ultimate example. There is no doubt that He had the self-motivation to follow through on what His heavenly Father wanted Him to do—a motivation so powerful that He could go all the way to the cross.
This self-motivation came from His relationship with His Father. From birth, Jesus was determined to do God’s will, obviously with the capable help of His earthly father, Joseph. Jesus was really God-motivated. Because He wanted to do whatever God told Him to do, He fasted for 40 days, said no to Satan’s temptations, rose early for prayer, healed the multitudes even when He was tired, and eventually suffered the unjust agonies of the cross.
The Proper Motivation
A.C. Green, a two-time NBA champion, in his autobiography Victory, writes, “Purify your motives and your heart. Get a pure desire for victory that wants victory for the Lord’s sake, not just for your own.” He continues:
“Pastor Dave Elian taught me a lot about the Word and building character. First I learned about serving others. We were a small group, so everyone had to pitch in. Even though I was the star athlete, I cleaned toilets, both in my church and in my apartment. Once again I felt ownership. As my ‘star’ rose, work like that helped keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. I realized I was always going to be a person as well as an athlete. I also learned that unless you’re willing to serve, you cannot earn the right to lead.
“Pastor Dave taught us about the importance of daily Bible reading and prayer…God honored our obedience…Pastor Dave also emphasized keeping our word. He lived with integrity and challenged us to a high level of integrity ourselves.
“‘The honesty of a man’s heart, the depth of his manly character, is shown by how he keeps his word,’ he said…He taught us to honor whatever we said we would do, to control our tongues and to not make careless promises…If we didn’t make it to a 6 a.m. prayer meeting after saying we’d go, we were rudely awakened by a telephone call…Pastor Dave drilled integrity into our lives not out of legalism but out of respect for ourselves, others, and God.”2
I think Andrew Murray said it best when he wrote, “Acknowledge the sacred right of ownership Christ has in you, His blood-bought ones. And let nothing prevent you from answering: Yes, dear Lord, as far as is allowed to a child of dust, I will be like You. I am entirely Yours. I must, I will, in all things bear Your image…”
The proper motivation, then, comes from a heart fully yielded to God in all things—this includes one’s vocational aspirations. We should strive to be a Christian carpenter, a Christian lawyer, a Christian teacher, a Christian politician, a Christian plumber, a Christian bank executive, a Christian doctor or nurse, whatever the case may be. Yes, even a Christian NBA all-star athlete.
The proper motivation will also come when we help our sons understand that work is God’s provision for His people, and as such should be done as unto the Lord. “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (
Basics that Never Fail
Helping our sons take responsibility early in life will prepare them well for the workplace in the future. Two kinds of responsibility should be emphasized: responsibility for themselves, and responsibility toward others.
Taking responsibility for themselves may include personal grooming, exercise, care of the family car with each use (including filling the gas tank), taking care of personal possessions, doing homework assignments on time, earning money and saving some by taking a part-time job outside the home, and tithing. In our household, Patrick had four cups for his money. One was labeled “for God,” which contained his tithe 10 percent of everything he earned plus monetary gifts). One was labeled “long-term savings,” which could not be tapped into. One was labeled “short-term savings,” which helped pay for specialty items or gifts for Christmas or birthdays. The fourth was labeled “immediate use,” which covered day-to-day expenses such as snacks, etc.
Responsibility for others may include caring for a pet for someone; watching or playing with a sibling or helping to dress a younger sibling; or doing household chores, such as cleaning or helping in the kitchen. When I was growing up, we were required to shovel snow and mow the lawn for the widow next door. My wife’s father, a pastor, used to take Rachel with him to nursing homes and the hospital to visit the elderly, and to in-home Bible studies that he led. I believe such experiences paved the way for my wife’s benevolence and goodwill that characterizes her work as a private schoolteacher today.
Stephen Covey, in his bestselling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, suggests that if we really want to see our sons do a job responsibly, we must give them a clear, mutual understanding of what needs to be accomplished, concentrating on what not how, results not method. He says to be patient and spend time helping your son visualize the desired result: Let him see it, describe it, talk about what the results will look like, and when they must be completed. He calls it the “Green and Clean” method of delegation. I’ll let him explain.
“Some years ago, I had an interesting experience in delegation with my son. My 7-year-old, Stephen, volunteered to take care of the yard. Before I actually gave him the job, I began a thorough training process. I wanted him to have a clear picture in mind of what a well-cared-for yard was like, so I took him next door to our neighbor’s.
“‘Look son,’ I said. ‘See how our neighbor’s yard is green and clean? That’s what we’re after: green and clean. Now come look at our yard. See all the colors? That’s not it; that’s not green. Green and clean is what we want. Now, how you get it clean is up to you. You’re free to do it any way you want to, except paint it. But I’ll tell you how I’d do it if it were up to me.’
“‘How would you do it, Dad?’
“‘I’d turn on the sprinklers. But you may want to use buckets or a hose. It makes no difference to me. All we care about is that the color is green. Okay?’
“‘Okay.’
“‘Now let’s talk about “clean,” son. Clean means no messes around—no paper, strings, bones, sticks, or anything that messes up the place…Let’s just clean up half the yard right now and look at the difference.’
“So we got two paper sacks and picked up one side of the yard. ‘Now look at the other side. See the difference? That’s called clean.
“‘Now, before you decide whether or not you’re going to take the job, let me tell you a few more things. Because when you take the job, I don’t do it anymore. It’s your job. It’s called a stewardship. Stewardship means “a job with trust.” I trust you to do the job, to get it done…You’re the boss…'”3
Trust is one of the highest forms of motivation, says Covey. Whenever I trust my son to do a job entirely on his own, it brings out the best in him. As Covey reminds us, it will take time and patience. You may have to help your son several times before he’s completely on his own, but soon his level of competence will rise to the occasion. The idea is to not do the task for your son, but—with the proper training and development—to empower him to do it.
Another concept to help your son grasp is what we call “balancing frugality with extravagance.” I’m thinking about frugality as a way of life, but tempered by moments of carefully planned extravagance for special family celebra-tions, such as Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, Thanksgiving, baptisms, weddings, and the like. The idea is to help our sons know the importance of living well within their means—i.e., teaching them how to develop a budget and securing for them a savings account, etc.—but also showing them how to spend money in a very calculated way that tells our families that they are deserving of our hard-earned dollars.
Lastly, take a walk through the Bible with your son. Highlight the following books or passages of Scripture with him on a regular basis:
1. Read the Book of Proverbs, which speaks out against sloth or slack and in favor of being diligent and hardworking.
2. Read Paul’s warning in
3. Read about the parable of the talents in
4. Review Paul’s counsel that equates work with serving the Lord, not men (
5. Review sins that pertain to the marketplace—pilfering (
6. Study “the wife of noble character” in
7. Read
For Thought and Discussion
1. In Stephen Covey’s book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he provides a paradigm of delegation, called “Green and Clean.” The idea is to train our sons to be stewards who are trusted, their own boss governed by a conscience committed to agreed-upon results. How will such an approach help prepare your sons for the workplace?
2. How does the Indian proverb “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime” apply to the task of preparing our sons for the workplace?
3. Covey says, “No amount of technical administrative skill in laboring…can ever make up for a lack of nobility of personal character…It is at a very essential, one-on-one level that we live the primary laws of love and life.”4 Do you agree? Explain.
This article is excerpted from his book What a Son Needs from His Dad Copyright © 2011; ISBN 9780764209697. Published by Bethany House Publishers. Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.
