Why do our youth group students so often abandon the church as young adults? When The Barna Group asked young church dropouts why they left, one frequent answer was that “young Christians’ church experiences related to sexuality are often simplistic and judgmental.”
We meet these young adults when they get to college, Hannah as a fellow student, and Jenell as a professor. Students are longing to connect the sacred with the sexual, to see how they can join their bodies with the body of Christ, but their youth groups didn’t teach them how. Their churches don’t talk about sexuality and gender, so they believe the Bible isn’t relevant to that part of their lives. Instead, they turn to non-Christian sources for advice. Or, their youth pastors teach about sexuality and gender, but only give rules about morals.
The Bible has a lot to say about gender and sexuality, and its teachings are far more complex and grace-filled than a list of rules. Genesis 1:27 describes sex and gender as a central part of creation: “God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (NLT). The greatest commandment is to love the Lord our God with our whole lives (Matt. 22:37-38). To discover how we reflect God’s image, love God and love people, we must address gender and sexuality.
Young Christians come to the church with body issues. They need the church to be a place where they can come with their toughest questions and find people willing to walk alongside them in their spiritual journeys, but our church body has issues helping them.
God is certainly big enough to handle all our body issues, but is the church brave enough to address them effectively?
Holiness and Compassion
Sex and gender norms, labels and practices are changing quickly. As a professor, I (Jenell) hear questions such as, “What exactly is virginity?” or “What does it mean to have sex?” I’m sometimes uncertain whether to speak of people as homosexual, straight, LGBTQ or not label sexuality at all. Using the correct language is a balancing act. I want to keep up with culture, because new labels, words, trends and practices really do shape how people experience sex and gender. On the other hand, borrowing the words of a hymn, I simply want to “tell the old, old story of Jesus and His love,” helping young people see their lives as part of a story greater than themselves, one that arcs toward the love of God. This means preparing them for college with more than lists of rules, rather than increasing discernment and knowledge for navigating what’s really out there.
Those of us who lead ministries need balance between raising questions and having answers, between cultural relevance and the old, old story. Raising questions is important, but endless speculation is hardly fruitful. At the other extreme, offering an airtight package of answers (Gender Roles According to Expert A, or Sexual Boundaries According to Expert B) isn’t the goal either. Though they may express it with annoyance or boredom, youth rightly perceive overreliance on moral teaching as missing the mark—having a form of godliness that denies the full power of God (see 2 Tim. 3:5).
Holiness is the fullness—living life more and more centered in the love of Jesus. John Wesley said that when people follow hard after rules and laws, they may perform right behaviors, but they do so for the wrong reasons. Instead, when you know God loves you, you move more and more toward the freedom, mercy and grace that flow from that love. Right action flows from knowing you are loved by God, not fear of punishment or desire for approval from earthly religious authority.
When the church reduces itself to dispensing answers regarding appropriate behavior, the body of Christ becomes dependent on church leaders for answers. (Can I get away with this? What about this?) Or, it turns away from the church’s seeming obsession with controlling people’s sexual behavior, which reduces the mystery and complexity of sex to a list of rules. When churches invite people to begin or continue a life-long journey toward God, they often are made to feel as if they are criminals standing in the stocks rather than travelers on a journey. When a person orients his or her life toward Jesus, that person’s body—sex and gender included—comes along for the ride.
Connecting the Greatest Two Commandments to Grace
If we teach youth that gender and sexuality are central in the faith journey, their perspectives shift. Instead of avoiding sinful behaviors, youth learn to offer their bodies as living sacrifices to do God’s will. Christ’s lordship begins to transform and impact all areas of life.
A Christian speaker once preached that God accomplishes His mission through men, women and God working together. If one of these relationships is broken, the team suffers. When I (Hannah) looked at my own life, I realized I constantly was measuring guys against a list of strict requirements. I thought, “If he’s not perfect, I can’t love him.” It was my little trick to avoid getting emotionally entangled.
However, the speaker’s challenge showed me that I believed God felt the same way about me: “She’s not perfect, so I don’t have to love her yet.” Then God reminded me that only Jesus was perfect, yet He died for imperfect me. God’s grace was enough for me at my weakest (Rom. 5:8; 2 Cor. 12:9). Integrating body and spirit helped me discover God’s grace and led me back to the old, old story of Christ’s love for me.
Ask your youth to examine their relationships, fears and desires around gender and sexuality. Then ask them how that connects to their relationship with God. You’ll be amazed at how God’s grace comes alive.
Encourage Questions
Another learning opportunity occurred when I took Sociology of Sexuality at a secular university. We had debates about abstinence education and class activities ordering the progression of physical intimacy in a relationship. I realized I was one of the only people who believed people shouldn’t always act on their sexual desires.
I wanted to ask questions but worried that people would think I was judging them. Many of my classmates had close connections to the gay community and felt alienated by Christianity. I didn’t want to make things worse. Then I realized that in most situations, they would be the ones with the questions, afraid they would be judged if they raised the questions.
We may think, “If I’m a skeptic, does that mean I don’t belong? Should I be ashamed of my doubts?” That’s how people can feel at youth group, too. To combat this, welcome questions and set an example by sharing your own struggles.
Bible Study and Cultural Discernment
When we take questions seriously, we don’t jump straight to answers. We teach youth how to be truth seekers themselves.
Our final assignment in my class could address any topic. I realized I needed to discern: what was Christian culture, what was secular culture, and what I really believe.
Leaders can empower the body by teaching discernment. We can teach lifelong skills of studying Scripture in its original context, then thinking critically about how to apply that teaching to today.
Peers in my Bible study group shared their own questions, and I felt supported to seek answers. My professors had taught me to research. My parents and Christian leaders had taught me to study the Bible. Equipped with these tools, my doubts became research questions. I discovered new truths about God, gender and sexuality—and then presented them to my classmates as a youth group curriculum.
Zeroing in on our Body Issues
As we examine the body issues of our youth, we may find the rest of the church body is dangerously overdue for a checkup, too. We have open sores and self-inflicted wounds.
Our body issues play out publicly when churches divide and argue over LGBTQ people in church leadership, gay marriage, women in leadership, or abortion. We’re humiliated when sex scandals, child abuse, and domestic violence within the church are exposed.
We need to realize every part of Christ’s body is in this together. We simply can tolerate each other or else force everyone to pretend they agree with a given theology. Instead, we are called to be so united in love and worship that we cannot bear to be separated from our Christian brothers and sisters, including those with whom we may disagree.
Jesus prayed that we would be one just as the Trinity is one, that we would be brought to complete unity to let the world know the Father sent Him (John 17:21-23). In 2 Corinthians 5, we find that Christ’s love neither compels us to gloss over questions about sexuality just to avoid offense nor to shout and picket in someone’s eternal best interest. It does not call us to militant defense or to attack gender stereotypes. Instead, it compels us to be ministers of true reconciliation—begging people to be reconciled with God.
In college, our Christian group had a body checkup when the campus began discussing Christian privilege. Some Christian students were tempted to be defensive or to distance themselves from criticism, but we eventually realized this was an opportunity for healing. Several Christian groups, mine included, responded with an event that humbly recognized the church’s brokenness. About 20 students reflected on ways we personally had contributed to the church’s failure to act Christ-like. We each wrote a paragraph apology, and then stood and read them aloud at a public event held in our campus chapel: “I’m sorry for acting holier-than-thou, for being insensitive to single mothers, for my response when my friend came out as gay, for judging people based on their skin color…” This neither was safe and stale group conversation nor a lecture from concerned adults. It was true biblical interpretation—acting together as Christ’s body.
Imagine if we taught our youth to act out the good news, creatively engaging with gender and sexuality. What if Christians were known for supporting single mothers, caring for those with AIDS in the LGBTQ community, and fighting sex trafficking? What if Christian adults companioned youth as they seek and live out their own answers, including changing course and making mistakes? What if churches made room for those who cannot or will not squeeze into conventional categories? That is the kind of drama that draws people to the playwright.
Our God is big enough. Is our church brave enough?
Jenell Paris is a professor of anthropology at Messiah College in Grantham, Pennsylvania. In addition to many articles about sexuality and gender, she wrote The End of Sexual Identity: Why Sex is Too Important to Define Who We Are (InterVarsity Press, 2011).
Hannah Rasmussen grew up as a missionary kid in Tanzania and Kenya. She recently graduated with degrees in English and sociology from Macalester College in Minnesota and is writing a curriculum for young adults on gender in the church, which will be released by Christians for Biblical Equality this fall.
