I grew up in a family with many Toms, but there was only one Uncle Tom in my world while growing up.
Once upon a time, Uncle Tom took two youngsters—my dad and his sister—fishing at a creek a short walk from their house. Now this creek was lucky to have a couple frogs, some worms and a stray snake or two. It majored mostly on mosquitoes; but my dad and Aunt Harriet didn’t know better, so off they went with two fishing rods and Uncle Tom, who generated the sort of enthusiasm fit for a serious fishermen at a raging Montana stream.
When they got to the creek, Tom spread them out a bit, “so we can find out where the fish are really biting.” He moved back and forth between the two of them for a bit before telling my dad, “You’d better go see if Harriet needs some help. I think they might be biting down there. Here, I’ll hold your rod.”
Before long, a big fish was tugging at my dad’s line. After Harriet came to inspect the fish, she discovered a whopper at the end of her own rod. What an absolutely wonderful afternoon for Dad and Aunt Harriet! It was not until years later they learned of Uncle Tom’s stop at the fish market before they headed down to the creek.
There are Uncle Toms in all of our lives, bringing us grace, laughter and acceptance. For some, it was a grandparent or a teacher early in our lives, for others it is was a neighbor, coworker or pastor. Their impact is written all over the stories of our lives. Their attention may have lasted for decades, or it may have been a penetrating conversation at a critical time in our lives. Most often such relationships are unspectacular, but their effects are dramatic.
Five Dynamics of a Spiritual Mentoring Relationship
Two questions often associated with spiritual mentoring relationships are:
1. What actually takes place in the relationship?
2. Why are some relationships more effective than others?
The following five dynamics, which we have adopted from J. Robert Clinton and Richard W. Clinton’s The Mentor Handbook: Detailed Guidelines and Helps for Christian Mentors and Mentorees (Altadena, Calif.: Barnabas, 1991), seek to address these questions. It is best to see these five dynamics as processes that take place as the relationship progresses. They serve as guides to see what is taking place and why the relationship may be working well or struggling to survive.
Dynamic 1: Attraction and Initiation (The Art of Beginning Well)
Relationships invariably will begin because someone sees something in the life of another that causes him or her to desire a more intentional meeting together. Perhaps it is the person’s character or wisdom or the healing in his or her story that draws us. Energy is stirred, a sense of curiosity or a simple desire to explore more intentionally greater depth in the relationship. This dynamic of attraction can start with either one or both parties. Most commonly, it is the more mature believer who is sought out by another; but more mature people should also seek out those they sense God leading them toward to invest in their formation.
Dynamic 2: Relationship (Developing Trust and Intimacy)
A critical work of a spiritual mentor is to cultivate a hospitable environment where trust and intimacy naturally can grow in the relationship. Without the creation of this safe space, honest and prayerful discovery will become frustrated. Developing trust requires a way of being with another that lovingly moves the relationship beyond the pretense and comparison that pervades so many of our daily relational interactions. Trust is not simply built by following a clear set of steps, but there are things we can do. In particular, the practices of listening, asking questions and prayerfulness serve to foster this trust and intimacy in a relationship that is concerned with helping one another “grow up in every way…into Christ” (
Dynamic 3: Responsiveness (A Spirit of Teachability)
Dynamic 4: Accountability (Exercises of Grace)
The spiritual mentoring relationship flourishes long-term in a climate of support and challenge. Typically, a supportive and trusting environment must precede the sort of growth challenges that will emerge in the relationship. Our capacity to challenge one another graciously to greater faithfulness will depend on our ability to build a trusting and safe climate. In contrast, there are some relationships that stall due to their inability to offer challenge. The mentor never risks moving the conversation beyond its safe confines. Nothing is asked of the mentee. No invitation for greater honesty or challenge to look at things differently is ever offered. If we desire to grow, then some challenge to move beyond our comfortable securities is required.
Dynamic 5: Empowerment (The Goal of Mentoring)
Whether structured or unstructured, formal or informal, the spiritual mentoring relationship is always intentional. There are certainly meeting times that will seem wandering, inefficient or unfocused; but often these times are spent cultivating context and building trust amid the ordinary, everyday details of life. The mentor, though, always must keep in mind the purpose of the relationship.
The Dance of Spiritual Mentoring
A gentle process of leadership is the responsibility of the mentor. Being led is the responsibility of the mentee. As a dance partner leads by guiding, gently moving, listening to the music and attending to the movements of the other, so spiritual mentoring requires a back and forth, a give and take. Accountability and leadership are required of the mentor. From the mentee, responsiveness and teachability are necessary. Prayerful attention to each of these dynamics serves to foster an encouraging and challenging environment in which growth can occur.
Annie Dillard writes, “You were made and set here for this, to give voice to your own astonishment.” We engage in a spiritual mentoring relationship in an effort to assist others in discovering their unique voice, their amazement in who God is, who they are and what God has invited them to be about.”
While the particular set of life circumstances in which a mentee finds herself dictates where her mentor begins and builds the conversation, ultimately the goals of their meeting together develop along the trajectory of three primary questions. A faithful and honest exploration of these questions allows our unique sense of calling or voice to unfold:
A: Who is God? Living in a relationship of intimacy with a loving God
B: Who am I? Coming to understand our identity as a beloved child of God
C: What am I to do with my life? Discovering our unique voice in God’s story
We then set out to help the mentee discover how God wants him or her to embrace the
Each of us is invited into a life of partnering with God’s creative and reconciling work in this world, but the way we express this cooperation is unique to who we are. The Spirit of God is shaping who we are—our particular mix of experiences and relationships, gifts and strengths, temperament and character, personality and passions—for unique kingdom purposes.
Our hope as spiritual mentors is to play a modest part—for God is the primary worker—in awakening anew the mentees’ awareness of God’s calling in their lives and empowering their unique voice for kingdom service and leadership.
Robert Loane (M.Div., Biola University, Talbot School of Theology) oversees educational design at VantagePoint3, a ministry seeking to foster renewal and maturity in local communities through the development of lifelong approaches to Christian leadership formation. Randy Reese (Doctor of Missiology, Fuller Theological Seminary) is president of VantagePoint3. He is also adjunct faculty at Fuller Theological Seminary, teaching courses on global leadership and missiology. This article is adapted from Deep Mentoring: Guiding Others on Their Leadership Journey by Randy D. Reese and Robert Loane. Copyright(c) 2012. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press P.O. Box 1400 Downers Grove, IL 60515. IVPress.com.
